Showing Brother Who’s Boss

Pug brother doing his duty (being a pillow)

Do you have a very unintelligent, stinky, cross eyed sibling? Or at least one who needs showing who’s boss? Well if you do I feel your pain Baby. Lucky for you the Baby Girl is an expert on showing siblings who’s boss. In fact I have to do this to pug brother every day.

Pug brother is very easy to boss around because he doesn’t have very many thoughts of his own. (Or any very good ones anyway). The Baby Girl has a pretty good idea of what’s going on inside that pugs head. “I want to eat some of my own poop, I hope dinner is soon, I like chicken.” Anyway siblings are usually not that bright so you should start showing them who’s boss right away. There are many ways of doing this, pushing your sibling off the bed, taking his favorite bone, or my personal favorite sitting on his head for extended periods of time.

You should also keep in mind while bossing your sibling that they may try to stand up to you. Pug brother has only attempted this once or twice because when he did I made sure he understood that he doesn’t get a say by sitting on his head. I recommend that if your sibling tries to stand up for themselves as well you should try the Baby Girls technique. (It worked very well on pug brother, he hasn’t ever tried to defend himself again).

As you can now see showing your sibling who in charge isn’t as hard as it may seem if you follow the Baby Girls pointers, and very soon your sibling will know who’s the boss.            


Ball Game, The Most Wonderful Thing Ever

Lots of people love to argue over which games are better but the answer is very clear baby! The best game in the world and also the only one that matters at all is Ball Game. Ball game is the Baby Girls favorite game in the whole world. Just the words ball game get me super exited. My Dad and I play it every day for 20 to 30 minutes but I could go on playing for six to eight hours, I could.

Ball game is very simple to play and also extremely fun as well. The way this wonderful game works is that my dad wheres his baseball glove and throws a tennis ball at the basement wall and when it bounces off I run after it. It may not sound like much but this is all the Baby Girl needs to have said she had an excellent day. I love this game so much that one time I had to use the facilities real bad but I was enjoying Ball Game so much I did right then and there as I was playing.

The only beings I know that appreciate Ball Game are myself and my dad. My Mom and Racky have no idea what they are missing out on. One time I did try to teach Racky the rules of Ball Game but that pug is so thick you couldn’t cut through to him with a chainsaw, and instead he decided he would rather go outside and eat his own poop as an activity.

Yes Ball game is the most wonderful game in the world. The Baby Girl will always love her Ball Game and she will cherish the wonderful moments she has had playing it. Everyone should love Ball Game including you baby, because it is clearly the only game in the world that matters!     


Loving Boxes

Most dogs would rather spend their time in a dog bed or on the coach. But not me baby, for me the most perfect place to spend my time is in a box. Any box will do for the Baby girl as long as it’s not flat and Pug Brother has not already been in it.

The Baby Girl has always loved boxes more than anything else and I have made sure to make myself very clear on this matter. Whenever my dad or mom gets a box in the mail they know just who to give it to. I have even taught the children, the small girl mostly to love boxes as much as I do. Both her and me love to climb into boxes and relax. I have taught that girl well I have, she will grow up to be a smart young lady if she already has so much sense.  

The children know I love boxes so much that one time they even made a special one just for the Baby Girl. They colored all over it with there creative little hands and it was the most beautiful box I had ever seen, because I could tell they had worked so hard on it just for the Baby Girl. I climbed right into that box, I did and it was even more wonderful on the inside then on the out ( as most boxes are). The Baby Girl will always remember that box.

The Baby Girl not only loves the look of boxes but also the smell. Cardboard is one of the most soothing scents in the world when you are trying to get to dreamland. The best of all boxes is when the owners are nice enough to put down blankets in the box so that the Baby Girl has something comfortable to rest on as she enjoys her box.

I hope that you will try relaxing in a box for a change because they really are one of the most magical places in the world. The Baby Girl will always love her boxes and you should try loving them too.       



Ask Loretta: Being Sure about Relationships

Dear Loretta,

I have recently met a man I am interested in. It seems that my
interest is reciprocated. However, it also seems that he is more
comfortable than I am with the interval between our meetings. What’s a
girl to do?

Unsure in MD

P.S. Please bear in mind that I was raised at a time when the mores of society dictated that it was a “No No” to even call a young man and now it seems that there are few if any “No Nos.” No wonder I am confused. Continue reading “Ask Loretta: Being Sure about Relationships”

Ask Loretta: What a Baby Girl Needs

Dear Loretta,

I am writing to ask for your advice. You see, much like you, I am
myself a baby girl of the smooshed-face variety, and as you are trying
to convince the masses, this is a wonderful thing.

But the problem I have is this. I’m just over 3 months old, and my
dad wants me to pee and poo outside. Do you hear me?!? He wants me
to go OUTSIDE in the cold, when there’s a perfectly good carpet to pee
on. And it’s warm.

I’m trying to convince my dad that he’s just unreasonable. Can you help??

Help me Loretta, you’re my only hope.

Lola Continue reading “Ask Loretta: What a Baby Girl Needs”

Ask Loretta: A Hidden Love for Pop Music

Dear Loretta,

My friends listen to bands no one knows. I pretend to like the music they like, but secretly I love pop songs. I’ll take Kelly Clarkson over the latest moppy-haired angst band anytime, but I’m afraid to reveal my true nature for fear my friends will leave me. Please help me Loretta.

Pop Lover Continue reading “Ask Loretta: A Hidden Love for Pop Music”

Ask Loretta: Baby Attacks

Dear Loretta,

I am a very fat cat. I pride myself on my girth and my disdain for humans. Since October 2003, unfortunately, my human roommates (I mean really … who can afford to live alone in Boston these days?) have allowed a child into my
living space. She’s a peanut of a girl, but wily and very very noisy. For nearly two years now, I have had to put up with the humiliation of having my ears pulled and the annoyance of her poking and prodding me and yelling, “Mow, mow, mow” in my face.

I have had enough.

Surely there must be a way to rid myself of this pest. Perhaps a quick dash under her feet near a stairwell … a swift, well-aimed nip at her jugular … or maybe something as simple as sucking her breath while she sleeps (which it seems she never does!)

Surely a bulldog as streetwise as you has connections? Help me, Loretta. I can make it worth your while to help me.


P.S. I am attaching a photo to give you an idea of the conditions under which I am living.

An unprovoked baby attack.
Continue reading “Ask Loretta: Baby Attacks”

Ask Loretta: Yale’s New Mascot

Dear Beautiful Loretta,

Recently there was a competition for a successor in the long line of Yale Mascots and Handsome Dan XVI was chosen. However, this correspondent believes that there is no better looking bulldog alive today than yourself, The Little Girl, the Handsome Loretta.

So, if you would like to present yourself as available for selection as the Yale Mascot, I can make this happen. I would be able to “disappear” the incumbent, and arrange for the elevation of Loretta to the position by acclamation. No politicking necessary!

White House soirees, Harvard-Yale football games, and many other opportunities will be in your future if you take me up on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Please say yes!! I beseech you not to disappoint the Old Blues!

Sincerely, Eli ’68 Continue reading “Ask Loretta: Yale’s New Mascot”