Dear Confused in Chevy Chase,

I tend to avoid discussion of religious topics since they are so divisive and our world already has enough anger. But I'll gladly make an exception for you! I really will!

I must admit that previous to receiving your note I was ill-informed about Loretto. Yes, it's true. Somehow, a speck of knowledge slipped between the recesses of my brain. I know this must sadden you and my readers, but think of it this way: My one flaw proves that I'm a mortal -- a gorgeous mortal, but a mortal nonetheless. So now you know! Be happy!

Anyway, since I didn't know much about Loretto, I fired up my 9.5 GHz Loretta Super Computer (custom designed and manufactured by NASA) to do some research. Here's what I learned:

• The sacred location I believe you're referring to is Loreto, Italy. As the story goes, Mary was born in the Holy House of Loreto, but here's the really interesting bit -- when Mary was born the house was nowhere near Loreto, Italy. In fact, it was in Nazareth. Many years later the house was magically transported to Loreto by angels. The Holy House is now visited by thousands of pilgrims every year. I, too, am visited by thousands of pilgrims every year. This brings up an important related point: I appreciate the attention these pilgrims bring, but I really wish they'd be more careful on our front lawn. We work hard on that lawn, people! Watch where you step and pick up after yourselves!
• Our Lady of Loreto is the patron saint of aviation. Perhaps you can use this trivia on "Jeopardy!" someday. You see how giving I am? Do you? You should!

• The Villages of Loreto Bay in California look lovely. If anyone would like to sponsor a trip for the Baby Girl, please email her representatives.

So what does all this Loreto stuff have to do with etymology of "Loretta"? In my informed opinion: squat. The name "Loret - TA" is clearly feminine. The name "Loret - o" is masculine. Last time I checked, the Baby Girl was most definitely not male. Beyond that, the name "Loretta" has two T's while "Loreto" is T Deficient. We should all feel very sad for Loreto's T problem, but we most definitely should not make any comparisons between Loreto and Loretta. That would be silly! Why would you do that?

Now, I know that discussions of this nature can cause all sorts of arguments, so here's what I recommend: If the name "Loretta" inspires strife, you should use the alternate moniker "Baby Girl." Use this carefully, however. Under no circumstances can you use the phrase "The Baby Girl." I have this trademarked because there is only one "The Baby Girl" and that's me. However, you are free to use the term "A Baby Girl." This solves the problem through and through. You see? You see how easy and wonderful this is? Of course you do!

Signed,
Loretta the Linguistics Expert and Religious Scholar

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