Ask Loretta: What a Baby Girl Needs

Dear Loretta,

I am writing to ask for your advice. You see, much like you, I am
myself a baby girl of the smooshed-face variety, and as you are trying
to convince the masses, this is a wonderful thing.

But the problem I have is this. I’m just over 3 months old, and my
dad wants me to pee and poo outside. Do you hear me?!? He wants me
to go OUTSIDE in the cold, when there’s a perfectly good carpet to pee
on. And it’s warm.

I’m trying to convince my dad that he’s just unreasonable. Can you help??

Help me Loretta, you’re my only hope.

Lola

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Dear Lola,

I have some bad news for you. Baby girls are diligent about doing their business outside. They even go and wait patiently by the door when the urge arises. Why? Because the alternative is best left to those who are unrefined and ugly, like pug brothers. These pug brothers lurk around peeing in empty laundry baskets, Diet Coke boxes, stereo speakers and the like. This is dirty business and does nothing to endear you to the masses. Having said this, there are some guidelines that your dad should follow — you are after all a baby girl and there are certain rights and privileges that should be afforded you. I will present these in list form so your dad can clearly understand them.

1. Baby baby girls should be carried outside. The air is cold and our exposure must be limited.
2. Baby baby girls should never be left out to do their business alone. They require an audience and frequent applause.
3. In the event of rain you should be provided shelter — moveable shelter in the form of tent or heated bubble.
4. In the event of snow, all bets are off.
5. Accidents happen (not to grown baby girls, but to baby baby girls). In the event of an accident there must be no yelling, swearing, or slamming (papa can you hear me?). Accidents are met with understanding, compassion, and treats. After all, we have now provided a level of cleanliness to your floors that would not have been provided heretofore.

Now go forth, put your dad in his place and remember to pay tribute to the Original Baby Girl.

Love,
The Original Baby Girl