If you want to know all about Valentine’s Day I’m the pug to talk to. I know everything there is to know about Valentine’s Day. Many people have asked me what the meaning of Valentine’s Day is. Is it when you get stung by the bee that you didn’t know was in the flower you picked for your date? Yes, kind of. Is it when you accidentally poo in your true love’s water dish thinking it was a toilet? Yes, partly. Is it when you attack the TV in front of your date when you think there’s a lion in there and you try to protect her but instead you give yourself a minor concussion? Unfortunately, yes. Valentine’s Day is a day to be with your true love but it is also a day to make a complete fool of yourself in front of your date. But I had to learn that the hard way.
For Valentine’s Day I knew exactly who I wanted to ask out. She’s the most beautiful, wonderful pug I have ever met. She has the softest black hair and the cutest curly tail. Her name is Stella and I have always wanted to ask her out for Valentine’s Day but only this year I finally had the courage to confront her. And by some miracle she said yes! Stella is the most perfect pug in the world (her only flaw is that she’s best friends with Loretta) so I wanted this to be a perfect night for us. I picked her a bouquet of hosta flowers, dandelions, and weeds I stole a chicken wing out of the refrigerator for us to share. I like chicken. And I even made her a necklace of dog treat hearts (but I ate half of it by the time she arrived.)
When Stella came prancing in the front door she was even more beautiful then I remembered. She had a rose tucked behind her ear and her collar had little hearts embroidered on it. Best of all she smelled like chicken. I like chicken. We said hello by sniffing rears and then I presented to her the dog treat heart necklace and the bouquet of flowers I had picked. As I pawed her the flowers a bee flew out and headed straight for my face. It turned its pointy backside at my delicate nose and began stinging it! I whimpered and hopped around from the pain. Stella finally killed the bee with her rawhide bone and then removed it painfully from my nose. What a girl!
After I had presented Stella with the necklace and flowers we went to the kitchen to enjoy the chicken wing I had snatched from the refrigerator. We split it in half and I swallowed it on one gulp. Stella on the other paw took teeny bites of her chicken. I waited and waited for her to finish and I started to feel the need to use the bathroom. I didn’t want to be rude and leave without her finishing so I tried to hold it but very soon it was clear it needed to come out. I jumped up and ran to the back door whimpering for my humans to let me out but they must have had Valentines plans of their own because they weren’t coming. I rushed around the house desperately looking for a place to relieve myself. Finally I found a toilet. I don’t usually use them (they are for the humans) but I don’t think my humans would have been pleased if I just went on the floor. After I had finished I turned around trying to find my way back to the kitchen. Stella would probably be wondering where I had gone. I was in for a terrible surprise though when I turned around. Stella was standing right there! She had watched me poop! But why was she in the bathroom? That’s when I made an even worse discovery. I looked down and realized that I had just pooped in Stella’s water bowl! I would have turned fire-hydrant red if dogs could blush.
After the water bowl toilet incident Stella and I went to watch a romantic nature show on TV. Everything was going fine I hadn’t done anything embarrassing for 10 minutes and Stella’s cute little paw was resting on top of mine. That’s when I saw the lion on TV. It roared loudly and came running toward us. I warned Stella to stand back and that I would take care of this. Then I charged bravely at the TV. Well I thought I looked brave. What I actually ended up looking like was a dumb pug running into a TV. After I had collided with the TV my head was spinning so much I had to lie on the floor for five minutes before I could stand upright. After that Stella changed the channel so I wouldn’t suffer any more concussions that evening.
When It was time for Stella to go home I walked her to the front door and said goodbye, disappointed the Valentine’s date hasn’t been all that perfect. But what Stella did next made up for all the disasters that had happened that night. She licked me! Right on the nose where the bee stung me, then with that cute smile she does she headed out the door. After that I fainted from love and when my owners got home they thought I was dead, but that was still one of the best nights of my life.