Cats and what they’re good for (nothing)

The lowest of life forms

Humans often argue witch is better dogs or cats. The answer is very clear, dogs of course are superior to cats. Dogs are smart and loyal and just overall wonderful creatures, cats on the other hand are yowling, pesky flea magnets that are good for absolutely nothing! Nothing!

Even though dogs are obviously much better than cats some very dumb humans took pity on these lower life forms and adopted them into their homes. Don’t ask me what these humans were thinking (maybe they banged there head on the ceiling one to many times) but cats became very popular pets because they are supposedly “ easier to handle” than dogs.

Cats may be easier to take care of in some ways like you can leave them alone for a few days and they don’t bark and annoy your neighbors but there are many more reasons that they are not good pets. True that you can leave your flea magnet alone in the house for a few days but could you really get them in the car in the first place? Cats hate cars and you can’t bring these hairball hackers anywhere without them yowling there head off the whole time. Dogs on the other hand love cars. When ever my humans start to pack the car I know we are about to go on a new and exciting adventure! Dogs will not yowl in the car or nearly claw your arm off when you try to wrestle them into a crate, dogs will be ecstatic to go in the car!

As for cats not barking and annoying the neighbors these evil felines have even worse ways of getting on the neighbors nerves. Cats like to sneak into the neighbor’s yard leave there droppings on the grass, walk through the flower beds and bite the poor birds at the feeders heads off and leave them lying on your front walk as though they are some kind of “gift”, if you could call it that.

Yet another terrible thing about cats is that these bags of fur use the bathroom in litter boxes! What a terrible thing to make your humans clean out every day! Dogs on the other hand use the bathroom outside so that it does not stink up the house. You might be thinking that you have to pick up your dog’s poop too but not if you leave it on your neighbors yard you don’t!

As you can now very clearly see cats are good for absolutely nothing! They are simply a pain in the butt that you should rid from your life forever by bring a more superior animal like a dog into your life. I hope that you now understand what a terrible pet a cat would be and how it would make your life absolutely miserable. I also hope that you appreciate how great dogs are and are thankful that at least some animals turned out wonderful.    







Humans, the perfect servants

All around the world in every city and town humans keep dogs as “pets”. They think they own us. They are wrong. We, the dogs are the true owners. Humans think they can train us, but really we are the ones training them. Humans were obviously put on earth to serve dogs. Why else would such a stupid and easily manipulated life form be created?

Some dogs (the ones that have never experienced how life with humans is) argue that living with humans makes the humans think they own us and being owned is something only lowly life forms (like cats) are. I say let the humans think whatever they want because the truth is that we are the real owners and what the humans think doesn’t matter.

Humans are relatively easy to train to serve you. The three most important things to a dogs life to make it a good one are plenty of food, (and not dog food good real food) excitement and entertainment, and of course pampering.

Training your human or humans to give you food is quite simple. Humans are very easily manipulated by cuteness so make your eyes as big and watery as you can and wine desperately like if you don’t get some food your going to starve to death. (this technique is known as cuteness control) Most humans take pity on what they think are “lower life form”, and we can use this to our advantage. If puppy dog eyes and a desperate wine don’t melt your humans heart and make them give you lots of food you should try pawing at their legs and whimpering some more. If this has still not made your human give you food then you have to take it up a notch. The way to get food out of these humans is by pestering them until they give you what you want. Whimper and paw at their legs until they get annoyed and give you food. They think you will stop complaining but the trick to this strategy  is to make your human think that when they give you food you will stop being a bother. (This technique is known as annoy it out of em). When you have convince your human this they will give you food whenever you annoy them.

When it comes to humans you don’t even have to do anything to make them entertain you. There is plenty of entertainment around the household because humans tend to make lots of mistakes (mostly big ones) the are quite exciting to watch. For example, in my house hold the most entertainment happens from when the humans lose their footing and fall down the stairs or wipe out on the floor. The most amusing wipeout happened when my large male puffy haired human attempted to take down the christmas tree and it squished him.

It is also amazingly easy to train your human to pamper you and give you lots of attention. As you know humans are easily manipulated by cuteness so turn up the volume on your depressed whimpers and make your eyes as big and watery as you can. Once you have caught the attention of your human turn the part of your body that you want petted/scratched towered there hand and let the good times roll. (cuteness control) When you are first brought to your home by the humans you must quickly show them who’s boss. This will make it much easier to make them pamper you in the futcher. Teach them that when you growl at the coach you are to be picked up and cuddled, and when you pluck things you shouldn’t have it means you are board and they must give you a peanut butter bone.

In all humans are the most perfect servant a dog could ask for. They provide food, entertainment, and pamper you to the extreme if you train them correctly. All dogs should own one!