Loretta and Blanche in dealing with and taking advantage of lowly roommates

In this very special smooshedface edition How to deal with and take advantage of your lowly roommates Blanche Bulldog and Loretta Bulldog team up to teach us about lowly roommates and how to take advantage of them.

Blanche: today Loretta and I are going to teach you about lowly roommates. First you need to establish which of your roommates are the lowly ones. For example, in my household my roommates include a fish, three hermit crabs and two budgies who are constantly making out in front of everyone. Ok guys, we get it, you love each other. Now please excuse us while we all barf from all the intensity of your romance. Those two definitely would be considered lowly in my book. Any animal that feels romance toward another is automatically lowly.

Loretta: that would definitely mean that Pug Brother is lowly. Did you see that story about his Valentine’s Day date with Stella? Blaaaaaa.

Blanche: Yes I did. I threw up 6 times. He is definitely lowly, not to mention a total loser. Anyway, back to my roommates, the hermit crabs are hard. I can’t really figure them out. Sometimes they’re fierce and brave, which would mean they are unlowly. But as soon as a human walks by they snap into their shells and being afraid of humans is definitely lowly.

Loretta: I would have to say Pug Brother is always afraid of our humans whenever he relieves himself on the carpet.

Blanche: that Pug Brother of yours seems very lowly.

Loretta: He is. In fact I tested him. He has no brain. One time my dad yelled at him from the second floor and he looked side to side instead of up.

Blanche: wow that’s very lowly.

Loretta: tell me about it.

Blanche: ok we have to focus back to my roommates. Ok where were we … oh, the fish. Surprisingly I find fish to be very wise. My good friend Lilly, who recently passed away (R.I.P Lilly by the way), has given me some great advice over the years. I don’t actually know what she looked like because she was on a high dresser so I could only ever hear her voice. Anyway the fish we have know, his name is Dwayne…

Loretta: Dwayne?

Blanche: yes Dwayne. He is only a baby fish so I would say he’s not that wise yet but he’s getting there.

Loretta: So he’s like half-lowly half-not?

Blanche: Exactly

Loretta: Ok my turn, baby! If you have another doggy roommate it is usually pretty straightforward in figuring out if they are lowly or not. The first question you should ask is “is my roommate a bulldog?” If they are they are automatically not lowly. When dealing with a roommate like this you have two choices. You can either make friends with them or make war. Most other dog breeds, you don’t have to worry about. You just have to show them who’s boss by sitting on their heads. But let’s talk about my doggy roommate. Racky is a pug and let me tell you pugs are the lowliest kind of dog on the earth. Heck pugs are the lowliest kind of animals in the world. And I have to live with the lowliest pug in the history of the universe. Racky, as you may know, has zero IQ at all. I mean, baby, what did you expect from a dog who eats his own poos? The only thoughts he has in his mind are “foooood!!!!! “And, “I like chicken.” If your dog roommate has any of these characteristics you are very lucky baby and will have lots of fun with them (or you will have lots of fun with them. Not so much them).

Blanche: I would really like to meet this Pug Brother of yours who eats turds. Prank time! Fun with a chicken leg on a string I’m thinking.

Loretta: Now that you have established which of your roommates are lowly and which are not, it’s time to have some fun baby. There are many wonderful ways to take advantage of lowly roommates. Lowly roommates are lowly so they are very easily manipulated. You just need to complete one more step: finding their weaknesses.

Blanche: let me guess, one of Racky’s is chicken.

Loretta: don’t spoil it ,Blanche! Now I can’t include this weakness of pug brothers  as an example because they already know!!

Blanche: Sorry.

Loretta: That’s ok baby just try not to spoil the Baby Girl’s wonderful advice in the future. Anyway I will now show you how I found some of Pug Brother’s weaknesses and then how I have used them for my own pleasure. The first thing you must do to find your lowly roommate’s weaknesses is to get your notebook and pen out and carefully watch they’re daily life.

Blanche: I thought we agreed we would have a fun part in this piece. Sitting around all day watching lowly life forms isn’t fun.

Loretta: It’s getting there baby, just let the Baby Girl get to it. Anyway take notes on everything your lowly roommate dose that could potentially be a weakness so that you can use it against him in the future. For example, Pug Brother’s schedule starts something like this. First, he gets up about an hour before anyone is actually planning to feed him and sits in front of his food dish and just repeats over and over “food, eat food, love food” like he’s hypnotised. Next, when he is fed by Mom he scarfs it all down in an instant like his mouth is a vacuum cleaner.

Blanche: Are you sure it isn’t?

Loretta: No, baby, maybe I should check that out. Anyway back to Pug Brother’s weaknesses. I think we already may have found a weakness actually. The intense love of food otherwise known as fatpugitis.

Blanche: how is this a weakness?

Loretta: Well, you see baby, there are many lovely ways to take advantage of a weakness like this and I of all bulldogs should know because the baby girl is the best but also…

Blanche: Hey I’m clearly the best!

Loretta: No, your not baby. Your just not.

Blanche: Prove it!

Loretta: Fine, name Pug Brother’s biggest weakness.

Blanche: Ok, this is too easy…. Um.. Is it, uh… is it chicken?

Loretta: Wrong! His biggest weakness is Stella.

Blanche: That girl pug in his Valentine’s story?

Loretta: Yes her, but just so you know chicken is his second biggest weakness.

Blanche: So I was close then!?

Loretta: Yes, you could say that baby.

Blanche: Yes!

Loretta: Anyway back to how I know how to take advantage of this weakness because I am the best ( and all of you know it now, thanks to Blanche).

Blanche: Hmmphh.

Loretta: Yes I am the best but also I live with a lowly roommate who is obsessed with food even when he’s asleep (once he accidently ate the carpet when he was having his bottomless bowl of chicken dream).

Blanche: That’s just sad. I’m sorry you have to live with such a lowly roommate.

Loretta: Me too baby, me too. Anyway there are many ways to take advantage of a roommate who has this weakness. Let me tell you baby by offering Racky food he will do whatever you say, so one thing you can do to take advantage of your lowly roommate is to trick them into doing something for you for food. Here are a few of the things I have bribed Pug Brother into doing for me for a bite of chicken. He has been my personal bodyguard by protecting me from baby attacks, taking the blame for the wet spot on the rug or anything broken, and peeing on the lawn mower so that the Baby Girl will not have to give up her bed of cool grass just yet.

Blanche: Boy, now I’m starting to wish I had a lowly dog servent.

Loretta: Well there are good parts there are also parts that really suck. Have you ever come to your bed after a long day looking forward to going to sleep and when you lie down your bed is damp? Then you look over and see Pug Brother lurking in the corner peeing on the clothes rack and you realize what you’ve just laid down in.

Banche: Ok, on second thought I don’t want to share my bed with a dog with a weak bladder.

Loretta: Yes baby you definitely don’t. Anyway After Pug Brother has eaten his meal (and waited around for another hour just incase by some miracle that this is the day that Lady starts giving second helpings on breakfast.) he sits in the middle of the living room floor pondering his future with Stella. His thoughts usually start off good and happy like where they would get married or if Stella would like to frolic in the waves with him at the beach. But then he starts to get all paranoid. He runs in circles around the room blabbing about how she probably doesn’t even like him and she would never be with him on account of his weak bladder…

Blanche: I certainly wouldn’t.

Loretta:  And what if she doesn’t want to frolic in the waves with him ever at all. I actually find this to be a very interesting and exciting way to start my morning. It’s like a romance drama movie happens every morning in my own home. Anyway, eventually Pug Brother wears himself out and falls asleep in the middle of the carpet ( or he passes out from dizziness from running around in circles. It’s hard to tell.)

Blanche: Oooo! Oooo! I know. His weakness here it’s Stella right!

Loretta: That is correct baby. Now if your lowly roommate is in love you are in luck baby there are many ways to take advantage of a lovesick roommate. One thing you can do is tell them whoever they are in love with would like them better if they change how they look or talk or even walk.

It can be whatever you like. For example, one time I told Pug Brother that girls go crazy for guys who sparkle. He let my put sequins and glitter all over him and cover his collar with fake rhinestone gems that the kids use for crafts sometimes. We covered Dads fancy hat in glitter as well and put it on him. He even let me put some moisturizer in his fur witch didn’t go exactly as planned so in the end he looked like a pug dipped in white goo wearing a fedora caught in a glitter explosion. That sure surprised Stella when mister sparkle monster greeted her at the door.

Blanche: Pug Brother has a very serious case of lovesickness if he would do whatever you say if it could impress Stella.

Loretta: Yes he has a very serious case baby, very, very serious indeed. Anyway, another way to take advantage of lovesickness is to do what I call the fake date trick. This is where you tell your lowly roommate that whoever they like is coming over for a date. Let’s use an example of me playing this prank on Pug Brother as an example, First I told him that Stella was coming over in an hour for a very special date they had planned a month ago (this part is vital to the prank so first your lowly roommate will think they are losing their mind that is if they even had one in the first place). Then I told him that Stella could’t wait for the seven course meal, and strolling violinist, and after dinner front row seats to a broadway play. This will be sure send your lowly roommate into a crazed panic attack that will be a very good show for you baby. While they run around trying to find a way to get a seven course meal, a strolling violinist and two front row seat tickets to a broadway show you can sit back and enjoy this reality of how dumb your roommate is (that I would personally take any day over a broadway play). Than five minutes before there date is supposed to arrive tell your lowly roommate that their true love had something come up and they had to cancel. When Pug Brother hears this he usually just collapses from exhaustion and falls asleep on the floor but sometimes he drags his way over to what he could scrape together of a seven course meal and eats it. Either way baby this a very entertaining prank to play on a lowly lovesick roommate and you should definitely give it a go.

Blanche: As you can see lowly roommates are a wonderful way to add some real life comedy to your life.

Loretta: You can play pranks on them, embarrass them in front of their true love and much much more. We hope you enjoyed this special edition of How to deal with and take advantage of your lowly roommates, we also hope you learned a lot to baby and will consider taking advantage of your lowly roommates too.

Budgie Break In

Earlier this morning, at 9:15 a.m, Blanche the Bulldog was going to her girl- puppy- human’s room to enjoy her early morning sunbathing ritual on her puppy-human’s bed. When she entered her sunbathing room, she was in for a nasty surprise. Two birds had broken into her room and were taking over the place!

Blanche bravely assessed the situation of the bird break in. From the start, Blanche had many questions, but her biggest was, “How the heck did they get in here? I have only ever seen birds outside my home.” Said Blanche the Bulldog, “And I have never seen birds quite like this before, so I knew I must be careful, in case they had some kind of evil plan.”

For weeks Blanche had been noticing odd objects appearing in her girl-puppy-human’s room. First, they were small, like a wooden ladder, but then, bigger things started popping up and when a cage appeared on the dresser, Blanche knew that she should prepare for herself, but she never suspected two birds!

Blanche bravely leapt onto her sunbathing bed and watched the two bird intruders. “They were showing of their colorful feathers and making little chirps at me. What show offs!” said Blanche the Bulldog.

“I was about to take matters into my own paws and banish the two squawking show offs  when my girl-puppy-human came into my sunbathing room and shooed me right out the door!” said Blanche the Bulldog. Blanche waited patiently by the door so that she could get rid of the two break in birds but her girl-puppy-human never let her get a chance, she even closed her door so that no one could get in and banish the birds.

“Humans are so strange,” said Blanche. “Whenever you try to do something for them, they never let you get the chance.”

The two birds are still hidden behind the door but Blanche will continue to try to find a way to banish the squawking menaces so that her sunbathing room will be peaceful once again.               


Invasion of the Unipug

The Unipug
The nasty invader

Earlier this morning right after Blanche the Bulldogs puppy humans had left for school Blanche headed up to her girl puppy human’s room to lie on her warm bed and watch her territory from above. Blanche is very serious about protecting her territory from invaders so when she entered her lookout room she was shocked to see an invader was not just in her territory but in her home. A stuffed pug with a strange unicorn horn and rainbow main was sitting on her soft wight chair.

Blanche had never encountered such a creature before so she didn’t attack it right away. She knew that it could possibly have some kind of defense mechanism that it would release if she tried to attack. Blanche knew that if she snuck up behind it the unipug would not be able to defend itself as well unless it had retractable spikes on its back. Blanche bravely snuck up behind the invader and prepared to make her attack.

She crouched waiting to make sure the unipug had not spotted her and then with great grace and accuracy she lunged at the unipug and sank her teeth into the back of it’s plush neck. Lucky for Blanche the unipug didn’t have retractable spikes on its back or for that matter any kind of defense at all. Blanche with the invader trotted downstairs to throw the unipug off her territory for good. But Blanches humans did not hear her whimpering at the door so she could banish the invader.

“As long as I had to wait I thought I might as well have some fun with the invader teach the nasty little creep a lesson.” Said Blanche the Bulldog when questioned. “So I gnawed on his legs as I waited for one of my humans to find me at the door.”

When Blanches humans did find her they were the opposite of pleased in fact they yelled at her for a good ten minutes. The worst of all they put the unipug the invader back in her fluffy white chair but out of her reach.  

“I will never understand humans.” Said Blanche the Bulldog. “Why would they punish you for trying to protect their territory from nasty little invaders like the unipug.”

The unipug continuous to sit on Blanches fluffy white chair just out of her reach. “I’ll get that little creature someday.” Said Blanche. “But for now I must be patient, that little invader has to come down one of these days.        


The Chicken Bone Run

The chicken bone that Blanche almost got to enjoy

It was a bright and sunny morning at Bethany Beach Delaware (Blanche the Bulldog’s humans favorite spot to vacation) and Blanche and her grown female human were taking a nice relaxing vacation walk.

They had just arrived home when Blanche smelled something in the air that made her nose tingle. Could it be? Yes it was the smell of chicken, and it was very close. Blanches grown female human (also known as Lady Charge) made the mistake of removing Blanches harness before they entered the house. (It was a mistake for the humans anyway not for Blanche). And Blanche smelling the wonderful aroma of chicken took off in search of it.

Blanche knew she must reach the source of the wonderful chicken sent before another dog or animal got to it so she ignored her humans cries of “Come back!” or “No” and continued her run in search of the chicken sent. The sent was very close now, Blanche put her nose to the ground and sniffed. She followed her nose until she found the source of the delicious aroma. A chicken bone with some meat still on it!

To Blanche this was a miracle, it wasn’t every day that she got so lucky. (Blanche’s humans didn’t feed her very much chicken because they think it will make her quite plump). Blanche snatched up the chicken bone but she couldn’t enjoy it yet, she had to make it past her humans who had surrounded her.

“I wasn’t going to let my humans ruin my day by taking my chicken bone.” Said Blanche when questioned. So I ran as fast as I could and dogged their grabbing hands every time they lunged.”

Blanches humans chased her around and around trying to grab her. (lucky for Blanche and her humans this event occurred on a dead end street so nobody got run over). They finally did manage to grab her by the collar and remove the bone from her mouth (but after many unsuccessful tries).  

“I hate collars. Said Blanche the bulldog. “If I didn’t have this stupid thing around my neck I would have gotten to enjoy my chicken bone.”

Blanches humans took her back inside and they remembered to only remove her harness once they were inside so that this sort of incident didn’t happen more than once. (Unfortunately for Blanche).    




Mourning Dove Snatch

Loretta’s victim (too dumb to be injured)

Yesterday afternoon at 3:15 pm Loretta the Bulldog and her humans were enjoying a peaceful afternoon outside in there screened tent. Everything was well until an unexpected even occurred. A mourning Dove (the stupidest of all birds witch is really saying something) flew right into the tent!

The biggest problem with most birds is that when they fly into something like a tent or a house they can figure out how to get in but they can never seem to find their way out again. In this case this is exactly what happened. The mourning dove blindly flew into the screened side of the tent over and over desperate to find a opening to escape out of. The humans fled the tent but Loretta bravely stayed behind trying to defend her humans from this very small brained bird.

Loretta watched the bird flying repeatedly into the screen and then decided to take action. She leapt up and snatched the bird right out of the air with her mouth. She bravely carried the bird out of the tent to show her humans she had it under control but they did not react exactly as she expected.

“When I showed them I had bravely taken care of the situation instead of praising their Baby Girl they instead started hollering and running around like they were on fire.” Said Loretta when questioned. “I will never understand humans.”

Loretta’s humans removed the mourning dove from her mouth and then spent the next hour making phone calls, running around and in Loretta’s small girl human case crying her eyes out. Loretta was not given any praise or rewards for being so brave witch she found very strange. The humans spent lots of time watching the still mourning dove on the ground. When it moved slightly they cheered and when it finally flew away they hugged one another and the small girl human started to cry again.

“Humans are so strange.” Said Loretta. “You never know how they are going to react.”The tent is now safe from anymore bird surprises thanks to Loretta’s brave efforts and the humans decision to close the tent doors.



Ground Hog Invasion

The fat and furious invader!

Yesterday morning at 10:30 am Blanche the Bulldog was doing her morning routine of patrolling her backyard to make sure no intruders had invaded. She was almost complete when she heard a strange squeaking coming from under the old shed at the very back of her yard. Blanche usually avoided the back shed because it smelled like dead mice but she knew she must complete her duty so she bravely trotted over to the scene to investigate the mysteries sound.  

When she arrived at the back of the shed the smell of large rodents was very strong. Blanche knew that this would be dangerous mission but she was ready to confront it in order to keep her backyard safe. She slipped under the shed to investigate what kind lowly rodents had invaded her territory.

When she was successfully under the shed the smell of the rodents was stronger than ever. It was very dark underneath but Blanche bravely carried through with her mission even without sight. Blanche carefully crawled along the soft dirt underneath the shed, following her nose to the smell of the rodents when she ran right into a family of groundhogs!

“I was definitely taken by surprise.”  Said Blanche the Bulldog when questioned. “I was expecting bunnies or voles, but being the brave and amazing protector I am I scared those clover munching scoundrels away for good.”

Blanche remained under the shed even after she had scared away the groundhogs just to be certain they would not be returning anytime soon. The one problem with this almost brilliant plan was that Blanches humans though that she was stuck under the shed because when they called to her and even tempted her with food she still didn’t budge.

“Of course I didn’t move!” Said Blanche the Bulldog. “I was fulfilling my duty, and a Bulldog as smart as me would never get stuck under a shed.”

Blanches humans didn’t believe this though because they resorted to digging her out from under there with a shovel, and then boarding up the entrance to the underside of the shed. Although the entrance to under the shed was covered and this will mean that Blanche will not be able to get rid of any invaders who decide to make the shed their home, they may not be able to get under there at all with it being covered, because like Blanche said “If a bulldog couldn’t do it nobody can.

The most important thing though, is that for now the groundhogs will not be making the shed there home and the backyard will be a safe place to be in without having to worry about groundhogs being a bother.       




Air wall Encountered in Basement

Who would ever create such a thing?!

Yesterday, Racky the pug was strolling through the basement. Everything in front of him looked like non-solid air but he was gravely mistaken. He walked right into what we have confirmed is a air wall.

Air walls are things that humans make to keep warmth, cold and dry in and to keep wet, bugs and birds out. The biggest problem when it comes to air walls is that they can not be seen. This means that if you do not know where they are you can walk right into them. They are very good for keeping a comfortable home but they are not good for running into.

The biggest problem with this particular air wall is that it is located right in the middle of the basement laundry room. Usually, air walls are only on the border of the inside and the outside so dogs have been able to know were they are and not walk right into them. Residents of the household have been told to avoid the downstairs laundry room so they do not fall captive to the air wall as well. Air walls can be very dangerous and although they have not killed any dogs they have managed to take many birds lives when they fly into them.  

Lucky for Racky the pug he did not sustain any major injuries as far as we can tell (although his brain never worked that well in the first place so we can not confirm brain damage).

Racky was not happy to have run into the air wall as he has done this many times in the past and in is very discomforting. “I hate air walls.” Said Racky when questioned. “I am always running into them, my sister says it is because I am stupid but really it is because I can not see them.” Racky was very mad at the air wall for disrupting his peaceful walk through the basement so he parked himself in front of it and barked at it for two hours perhaps trying to show it who was boss.  

The downstairs laundry room will continue to be out of bounds until the air wall is moved or moves on it’s own. (We do not believe they are alive but they are very shifty nevertheless and should not be trusted to remain in one spot) This air wall out in the open is a very mysterious event and we will continue to keep an eye on it in case it tries to claim anymore victims.  






Rare Turkey River Flows

The source of the Turkey River.

A rare and amazing event occurred in the south end of the kitchen last evening at 6:30 pm. A turkey river flow, a rare and truly spectacular moment to be seen in the kitchen was spotted tumbling down the side of the counter. This kitchen wonder occurs when an especially juicy turkey is set on a slanted counter. The slight slant in the counter causes the turkeys juice to slide down the counter and tumble over the ledge and down to the floor.

This event is a beautiful thing to watch happen but it is also a truly delicious occasion as well. The turkey river is the most rare of all meat rivers. A few other types of meat flows are the chicken, beef and also hamburger, all are truly delicious but the turkey river is certainly the rarest kind of all and it is a once in a lifetime experience to see and or taste.

The Turkey river was first spotted by Blanche the Bulldog who smelled the lovely aroma that it gives off and followed the scent to the kitchen miracle. When she arrived at the sight of the flow she immediately positioned herself below the river of turkey and like any sain animal would, began to lap up the delishus flow of turkey juice.

“I have never tasted something as extraordinary as this turkey flow.” Said Blanche the Bulldog when questioned. “It was a once and a lifetime experience but I am lucky not to live with any other dogs so I had it all to myself.”

The flow lasted for a little over two hours and was stopped when one of the owners of the household put the turkey in the refrigerator. It was a truly amazing event for those who witnessed it, and the wonderful scent of the turkey river flow still lingers in the air around the far south cabinet where this miracle occurred.