Humans, the perfect servants

All around the world in every city and town humans keep dogs as “pets”. They think they own us. They are wrong. We, the dogs are the true owners. Humans think they can train us, but really we are the ones training them. Humans were obviously put on earth to serve dogs. Why else would such a stupid and easily manipulated life form be created?

Some dogs (the ones that have never experienced how life with humans is) argue that living with humans makes the humans think they own us and being owned is something only lowly life forms (like cats) are. I say let the humans think whatever they want because the truth is that we are the real owners and what the humans think doesn’t matter.

Humans are relatively easy to train to serve you. The three most important things to a dogs life to make it a good one are plenty of food, (and not dog food good real food) excitement and entertainment, and of course pampering.

Training your human or humans to give you food is quite simple. Humans are very easily manipulated by cuteness so make your eyes as big and watery as you can and wine desperately like if you don’t get some food your going to starve to death. (this technique is known as cuteness control) Most humans take pity on what they think are “lower life form”, and we can use this to our advantage. If puppy dog eyes and a desperate wine don’t melt your humans heart and make them give you lots of food you should try pawing at their legs and whimpering some more. If this has still not made your human give you food then you have to take it up a notch. The way to get food out of these humans is by pestering them until they give you what you want. Whimper and paw at their legs until they get annoyed and give you food. They think you will stop complaining but the trick to this strategy  is to make your human think that when they give you food you will stop being a bother. (This technique is known as annoy it out of em). When you have convince your human this they will give you food whenever you annoy them.

When it comes to humans you don’t even have to do anything to make them entertain you. There is plenty of entertainment around the household because humans tend to make lots of mistakes (mostly big ones) the are quite exciting to watch. For example, in my house hold the most entertainment happens from when the humans lose their footing and fall down the stairs or wipe out on the floor. The most amusing wipeout happened when my large male puffy haired human attempted to take down the christmas tree and it squished him.

It is also amazingly easy to train your human to pamper you and give you lots of attention. As you know humans are easily manipulated by cuteness so turn up the volume on your depressed whimpers and make your eyes as big and watery as you can. Once you have caught the attention of your human turn the part of your body that you want petted/scratched towered there hand and let the good times roll. (cuteness control) When you are first brought to your home by the humans you must quickly show them who’s boss. This will make it much easier to make them pamper you in the futcher. Teach them that when you growl at the coach you are to be picked up and cuddled, and when you pluck things you shouldn’t have it means you are board and they must give you a peanut butter bone.

In all humans are the most perfect servant a dog could ask for. They provide food, entertainment, and pamper you to the extreme if you train them correctly. All dogs should own one!                        

Rare Turkey River Flows

The source of the Turkey River.

A rare and amazing event occurred in the south end of the kitchen last evening at 6:30 pm. A turkey river flow, a rare and truly spectacular moment to be seen in the kitchen was spotted tumbling down the side of the counter. This kitchen wonder occurs when an especially juicy turkey is set on a slanted counter. The slight slant in the counter causes the turkeys juice to slide down the counter and tumble over the ledge and down to the floor.

This event is a beautiful thing to watch happen but it is also a truly delicious occasion as well. The turkey river is the most rare of all meat rivers. A few other types of meat flows are the chicken, beef and also hamburger, all are truly delicious but the turkey river is certainly the rarest kind of all and it is a once in a lifetime experience to see and or taste.

The Turkey river was first spotted by Blanche the Bulldog who smelled the lovely aroma that it gives off and followed the scent to the kitchen miracle. When she arrived at the sight of the flow she immediately positioned herself below the river of turkey and like any sain animal would, began to lap up the delishus flow of turkey juice.

“I have never tasted something as extraordinary as this turkey flow.” Said Blanche the Bulldog when questioned. “It was a once and a lifetime experience but I am lucky not to live with any other dogs so I had it all to myself.”

The flow lasted for a little over two hours and was stopped when one of the owners of the household put the turkey in the refrigerator. It was a truly amazing event for those who witnessed it, and the wonderful scent of the turkey river flow still lingers in the air around the far south cabinet where this miracle occurred.