Ask Loretta: Baby Attacks

Dear Loretta,

I am a very fat cat. I pride myself on my girth and my disdain for humans. Since October 2003, unfortunately, my human roommates (I mean really … who can afford to live alone in Boston these days?) have allowed a child into my
living space. She’s a peanut of a girl, but wily and very very noisy. For nearly two years now, I have had to put up with the humiliation of having my ears pulled and the annoyance of her poking and prodding me and yelling, “Mow, mow, mow” in my face.

I have had enough.

Surely there must be a way to rid myself of this pest. Perhaps a quick dash under her feet near a stairwell … a swift, well-aimed nip at her jugular … or maybe something as simple as sucking her breath while she sleeps (which it seems she never does!)

Surely a bulldog as streetwise as you has connections? Help me, Loretta. I can make it worth your while to help me.


P.S. I am attaching a photo to give you an idea of the conditions under which I am living.

An unprovoked baby attack.
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