Why dogs hate Halloween

Look at these poor souls! How embarrassing.

Well hello adoring fans. Blanche the most beautiful, intelligent and by far the best creature in existence has returned to tell you why dogs hate Halloween. It might come as a surprise to you that dogs hate Halloween. After all in your mind Halloween is the perfect holiday, the costume, the spooky decorations, lots and lots of candy. But let me open your eyes and hopefully you’ll understand what dogs have to deal with during this holiday.

The first reason dogs hate Halloween are the costumes and I’m not talking about the trick or treaters costumes even though they can be pretty disturbing and even confusing. I’m still under house arrest for attacking a kid who was dressed as a sausage but can you really blame me for that? I’m talking about the costumes you humans try to dress us up in. What is more humiliating than wearing a witch hat and skirt? Or a hamburger suit? Nothing that’s what! My personal experience with costumes might play into my hate for them though. When I was only a wee pup the girl human took me to a dog costume contest. Shudder, I still get the shivers thinking about this experience. Anyway I was paraded around in with Fourth of July amarican flag headbands on my head for what seemed like hours. (Speaking of my costume, can you get more uncreative? The girl human literally just dug around in the costume bin in the back room and then picked what looked “good” in her twisted mind and shoved me into it!) Anyway continuing on, the judges came around and inspected each of the costume. Of course the girl human lost because my costume was half broken and had nothing to do with Halloween. The girl human was pretty upset but I was just glad to get out of there. Honestly I’m glad the girl didn’t win because then she might have gotten the idea to put me into more embarrassing costumes and parade me around and believe me I don’t need that.   

Another reason dogs hate Halloween are the trick or treaters. I’m already perturbed by the doorbell and having it go off every five seconds with a new group of dressed up second graders on a sugar buzz is not helping my mental health. Also lets just take a moment to acknowledge that the whole concept of trick or treating isn’t at all accurate. I’ve been through lots of halloweens and the trick or treaters always get treats they never ever get tricked. I think you stupid humans should either change the name so it actully makes sense or take up the tricking part of this holiday, and I’d be happy to help because I’ve got a elecric doorbell, an exploding doormat and a complex laser system just lying around and I’m hoping I get to use them at some point, but at the rate this is going it’s probably never going to happen. 

The final reason dogs hate halloween are the decorations. I for one get extremely freaked out by new unexplained objects that find their way into my home. I scared myself half to death a few times when I’ve walked by one of the halloween decorations which is this creepy talking pumpkin that randomly turns on and cackles loud enough to break the sound barrier. There are lots of other decorations around that freak me out as well like the ghosts hanging from the trees, the spider that comes after you when you get too close to the garage and the blow up ghost that has fallen on me too many times to count. I guess the point of these decorations are to freak people out but I really don’t see the joy in that. Being scared is one of my least favorite activities which is just another reason Halloween is on the bottom of the holiday list for me. 

Well hopefully now you understand my perspective about this holiday. Halloween brings along a lot of my least favorite things. The only thing I really like about this holiday is all the candy so if you happen to get some dog treats in your Halloween stash yours truly would appreciate it if you gave them to her.

  • Blanche the Bulldog     

The dangers of outdoors

Where Road demons lurk!

Well hello fans, it is I the amazing Blanche the Bulldog and I’m here to tell you about the dangers of the outdoor world. Sure many people assume dogs love being outside but that’s the stupid ones. The smart ones like yours truly hate being outside for there are many dangers in that vastly unexplored place. Let me tell you about them.

The first reason the outside world is dangerous is because of roads and worse yet rode demons!. Sure many people call them cars or automobiles but if you’ve witnessed there true colors like me you would call them road demons too. One time I was on a nice walk with my humans alongside a busy road. I didn’t understand the threat of the outside world back then though for I was only a wee little pup. Anyway I turned my back to the road for a split second and the mother of all road demons called “Shudder” a BUS snuck up right behind me and blew it’s horrid horn as loud as it could! Even though I am the bravest dog out there even that scared me and I jumped straight up into the air! After that I was always very weary of busy roads because that’s where the giant, loud and the most terrifying of all road demons live.

One of the other reasons to avoid the outdoors is other dogs. Sure most dogs are fine but every once and a while you run into a crazy one! For instance one time I was out on a walk with Lady Charge (my favorite human in my pack) minding my own business when a giant slobbering nightmare of a dog lunged out of a car window and made a beeline right for me. Luckily Lady Charge kicked that beast and that slowed it down a little but it still tried to attack me! Fortunately the human of that nightmarish beast grabbed it and I didn’t get too hurt but you can understand how that would make me weary of the outdoors!  

The third and final reason to avoid the outdoors is because indoor life is SO, SO much better! Sure humans are dumb most of the time but they have created some pretty great things such as the heater witch keeps you warm, the air conditioner which keeps you cool and the couch that keeps you comfy! With all the comforts of indoor life there really is no reason to venture out into the dangerous and unpredictable outdoors. The only outdoor place I still go (without being forced) is my backyard. At least there I’m protected from road demons and crazed hounds! But seriously can’t humans use their big ugly heads to add air conditioning and couches to the outdoors!? Then I’d gladly go outdoors.

  • Blanche the Bulldog

Squirrel baffled by baffle!

A few years ago my humans decided to embrace their love of the backyard birds and put feeders all around the yard. Now I was quite happy with this because I quite enjoy birds for many reasons too. They are pretty, interesting to watch, and perhaps the best thing of all about them is how fun it is to chase them. For the first couple days it was very peaceful in the backyard. I lounged around watching the birds come and go (and chased a few too). But that was before the squirrels invaded.

They came charging forward, lunging onto the feeders and draining them in mere seconds! Every time I saw one of the beady-eyed vermins stuffing their faces at the feeder I bravely chased them away but I couldn’t be there every second. After all dogs need weekends too! Soon it was clear to the humans that they needed to invest in something other than an overwhelmingly beautiful bulldog to protect their yard from the fiendish squirrels.

So the big, male, puffy haired human ordered a squirrel baffle to stop the little jerks from eating all the seeds. Now let’s pause the story for a moment because it has come to my attention that most of you people have been wondering their whole lives why dogs hate squirrels. Well the answer is they are jerks! Take a moment and think of the person you hate most. Maybe it’s because they’re greedy and selfish and always act like you’re a stinky turd compared to them. Well that’s what squirrels are like except instead of it just being one person it’s a whole species! Anyway back to the story, the male puffy haired human installed the squirrel baffle and for the first few months it seemed to work. I would sit and laugh hysterically as they tried over and over every day to get past the squirrel baffle but they never could. That was until this spring when Mr. Nubby Tailed squirrel figured out how to get past the baffle.

At first I had no idea how the squirrels were getting up on the feeder. It infuriated me! Finally I caught a squirrel I call Mr. Nubby Tail (because he has a short tail) in action. Basically the little evil genius ran as fast as he could, jumped up, and used the baffle to trampoline himself onto the feeder! And of course just when I thought I didn’t have to deal with the evil squirrels anymore they had returned!

Over the course of the next week the humans have tried many things to prevent the squirrels from accessing the feeder. They have moved the feeder, they have moved the baffle up and down, but nothing has stopped the squirrels! Finally the male puffy haired human had had enough and he went online and bought a fancy feeder that closes when something over the weight of a bird (like an evil squirrel) is on it. The fancy feeder still hasn’t arrived but for now I enjoy watching the squirrels that still haven’t figured out how to get over the baffle and dreaming of rubbing it in the evil Mr. Stubby Tail’s face when the day comes that he’s prevented from getting to the feeders.

Why Dogs Hate Summer

How could anyone not love this well you’ll see

Summer, a season that lots of people look forward to. The days are warmer and longer, there is no school for the kids, or sometimes work for the grown ups, and tons of fun in the sun at the beach or pound. You may find it a surprise that I do not at all look forward to summer. You must be thinking that’s crazy! What are you talking about, summer is the best! Well I think you will come to understand why I do not take pleasure in summer once I explain myself. Summer for a dog like me is no fun at all.

The first reason I don’t like summer is in the day it can be very, very hot for a bulldog like me. Don’t get me wrong, being a bulldog is the best. We’re beautiful, intelligent, and did I mention beautiful? But being a bulldog in the summer is no walk in the park. Our faces are smushed so it is a lot harder for us to breathe in the first place, but add a 90-degree day to the picture and it’s nearly impossible! Also imagine putting on your heavy winter jacket and lying in the summer sun. Get the picture? Hot summer days are not exactly my idea of a fun day unless the kiddie pool is out in the backyard and I can splash around in it.

The second reason I despise summer is a simple word, “vacation”! Why don’t I like vacation, you ask. While it’s not that kind of vacation where you go to the beach or stay in a hotel and do something fun. The kind of vacation I’m talking about is SUMMER VACATION! Which means the two annoying kids in my family, Boy human — whom I call Food Face Screamer Boy; I call him this because, well he has a knack for getting food all over his face and he likes to scream — and Girl human — whom I call Hissy cat girl; I call her that because Food Face Screamer Boy often gets on her nerves and then she hisses at him; she will also do this to anyone in her family who did something to make her mad and then stomp up to her room; I call her “cat” because she doesn’t like to be with other humans that much, just like how cats are; being a social pack animal I don’t understand this much but whatever floats her boat I guess — are home all summer long to harass me! Thats around two whole months I have to deal with them hugging, kissing, and screaming random things in my ears. I shudder at just the thought!

Anyway, I always look forward to when Food Face Screamer Boy and Hissy Cat Girl going back to school in the fall. I have peace and quiet for a full six hours of the day. Ahhhhh. I can’t wait.  

The third reason I don’t like summer is that dogs, or any pets, are never allowed at all the fun places humans go to! Instead we are put in the kennel for a week while the humans get to go live it up in Disney World! Who says a dog wouldn’t enjoy a day in Epcot or a ride on Space Mountain! Seriously! No one ever even thought about making a special place where dogs could go to have summer fun like humans! For dogs, summer is just a hot time to stay at the kennel while their humans go on vacation!

Now do you see where I’m coming from!? Do you see why summer absolutely sucks for dogs!? The heat, the kids being home all day, the not ever getting to go somewhere fun or on vacation like the humans do! Summer for you might mean rollercoasters and ice cream and good times but if you ask me I’d gladly take a cold winter day with no kids around where I can peacefully lie on the window sill over the radiator and watch the snow fall.

Commands and How to Follow Them

An perfect example of a brainless dog

Has your human or humans every taken you to dog training classes? Have they screamed at you and waved their hand in your face for an hour and a half while you sit there not having a clue what to do? Well don’t feel bad, it’s really the humans who who are being dumb. They expect certain responses from us that make absolutely zero sense. I learned that when my girl puppy human and Lady Charge took me to dog training classes trying to get me to run some dumb obstacle course.

Most dogs do the commands their humans give them because they want to please their human or they are mindless sheep that need a shepherd to tell them what to do, (most likely number two). Humans have come up with lots of humiliating tricks, (and I mean what are me ponies!?) for us to preform. They all make no sense and are extremely stupid and embarrassing. I was first taken to training classes because my girl puppy human saw a sorry excuse for a bulldog doing agility course on T.V. Of course that gave her the brainless idea that she should try that with me, and the next week I found myself in the town rec departments gym with two other extremely stupid dogs who actually thought that following dumb commands and making a fool of yourself was somehow fun.

Anyway, the first command my girl puppy human tried to get me to do was sit. Now of course I know what sit means but I prefer to do it whenever I want not whenever I’m told. Plus my girl puppy human was holding a treat up over my head so the logical thing to do was jump up and get it so that’s what I did. We tried this a few more times but my girl puppy human started holding the treat out of my reach so I had no choice but to sit down so that she’d hand over the treat.

My humans also tried to teach me how to come. I had no problem with this one according to my humans, but I wasn’t doing it for them I was only coming because my girl puppy human was holding food out in front of me so the obvious thing to do was run and to her so she’d give it to me. That command made the most sense of all of them but the command before come really had me stumped. Stay makes no sense at all. Why should I sit and wait for my treat when I can just go to my girl puppy human who has them. All the other dogs just sat there mindlessly staring off into space until their human called them. What’s the logic in that.  

In the end my humans apparently decided I was hopeless or something but the truth is I‘m the smart one and it was the other dogs who are hopeless. The only thing I did learn at dog training class is that I’m the only intelligent one in a world full of idiots.                        




The Keys to Making your Humans Freak Out

As you may already know we dogs find it entertaining to watch our humans mess up, get crushed by the Christmas tree, and of course my personal favorite freak out. Well the key to getting your human to entertain you by freaking out is annoying them constantly, and lucky for you you’ve come to the right place for that information.(Not to brag but I’m rather good at getting my humans into that state).

On great way to get your human to freak out is repeatedly do something they consider “Bad” like peeing on the carpet, getting on the coach without the dog cover or chewing on their brand new shoes. (You don’t only have to chew on shoes though gloves or socks will do just fine). These acts will be sure to get your human to go bananas in no time at all!

Another way to drive your humans up the wall is to hide things they really need and make it seem as if they have magically disappeared. First you must find something that is very important to your humans like a paper for work or there favorite pair of fancy shoes ( I recommend not taking anything that is extremely valuable because your humans may resort to calling the police and saying there’s been a robbery and I’m assuming you don’t want those big strangers with tasers turning your house upside down looking for a diamond ring and a guy in a bandit mask). Anyway after you have successfully gotten whatever important thing of your owners you must hide it in a place they will never look for it. For example every week I try to hide my puppy humans school library books like on the shelf were they are supposed to be ( my humans aren’t very organized). When they realize that they aren’t ready for library they totally freak out! They pull out every drawer and look under every coach and when they still can’t find it they freak out even more. You can also do this with your adult human but they may be less easy to fool. You will probably have to hide it in a place like one of the puppy humans assignment notebooks or at the bottom of their soccer trophy box in the basement. Either way the reaction from both puppy humans and adult humans is very entertaining to watch with this method.

Another great way to make your humans completely lose it is to not listen to anything they say. This method is my personal favorite but it is best applied in front of an audience so your human will feel even more embarrassed when you ignore them. I have done this many times to my girl puppy human at dog training classes. When ever she tells me to do something I just completely ignore her. What does she think I am her sheep to be herded? The only time you should listen to your humans commands is when there is a reward like treats or tummy rubs. Or when you want to show off to your dog friends like that you can jump over a two foot hurdle when your only a foot tall and definitely not built for it.  

As you can see there are many wonderful methods that you can apply to your humans to make them go completely bananas. I hope you enjoy using my ways to make your humans freak out they should work on every kind of human especially the dumb ones.     


Why I Hate Walks

To many people it may come as a surprise that I don’t enjoy a nice relaxing walk with my humans. Most dogs love walks, and will jump around with excitement when they see their leash or even when someone says the word. Not me, when I see my harness I cower in the corner trying not to be seen. There are many reasons why I don’t like walks that I think you should consider yourself.

First, I do not particularly enjoy walks because my humans make me wear my Harness of Shame on them. (They put it on me when I’m being bad and then I have to go sit in the corner and be quite). When they put it on me for a walk I don’t think they are really trying to punish me but it sure comes across that way. When ever my humans are going to put on my Harness of Shame I always attempt to persuade them out of it by giving them my biggest, saddest, wateriest puppy dog eyes and putting my ears way back on my head but it never works.

Another reason that I hate walks is because cars trucks and other dogs are constantly spooking me. I have to be on high alert when I’m on a walk because I have learned that if I’m not a crazy pitbull will jump out of a car window and try to attack me. I don’t just have to look out for out of control mutts but also for cars and trucks. Once I was on a very busy road and I turned my back to it sniffing some grass or something but a bus snuck up behind me and honked right in my very sensitive ears! I jumped a foot in the air it scared me so bad! I have never turned my back to the street again in case any other cars or trucks try to sneak up on me.

The third and final reason I hate walks is because I’m never actually able to stop and sniff things because my humans are always telling me to “hurry up” and “they don’t have all day”. What humans don’t understand is that us dogs need our time when it comes to sniffing. There is so much to smell on walks and you pull us along not letting us stop and smell them at all. This is compleat torture to us dogs!

Do you know understand why I absolutely hate walks? I have to wear my Harness of Shame, have machines and animals constantly spooking me and on top of all that I never get to enjoy all the wonderful smells because my humans are always dragging me along. ( In fact, the only time I enjoyed a walk was when there were a bunch of acorns on the ground and I got to eat a them.)                         


The Keys to Territory

When it comes to territory there are many important keys to understanding it. It is very important to have territory when you are a dog so that other dogs and leser animals like squirrels and bunnies know that you are in charge in this area and they should stay out of your way. You should claim as much territory as you can because the more you have the more powerful you will be. You must not only claim territory but also protect what is already yours. You don’t want any intruders to invade so if you see any run them off immediately. When you have territory you must also know how to use it. There are many things you can do on your territory that you will see are quite great.

When claiming territory the most common way dogs do this is by spreading their urine on whatever they want to be theirs. They will often put messages in like “stay back” or “this is mine.” Although most people think that only male dogs mark that is not true at all. I have many times after another dog urinates on my territory gone right over and peed exactly on top of their spot to show that this is mine and not theirs. Most dogs leave small messages but I want to have others understand not to mess with me so I leave something more like this “stay back or I’ll send the vacuum cleaner after you.”

Protecting territory that is already yours is a very important because you do not want to lose it to invaders. If you are a brave and courageous bulldog like me you will most likely have no trouble at all protecting what is yours. But for those of you who don’t have as much experience here are a few pointers. First whenever you hear a sound that you are unsure of you should bark at it. This may drive your humans insane but what they don’t understand is that we’re protecting them from what could possibly be an invader by scaring it of with our terrifying barking. Humans are so strange. Second if you do spot an invader like a squirrel, bunny, or in the worst case the mail carrier, chase after them until they have left your territory (or in the mail carriers case bark and lunge at the door). Third and finally you should also patrol your territory daily to make sure there is no suspicious activity that you should know about. If you happen to stumble across some see above what to do.

There are many wonderful things that you can do on your territory that you can’t do anywhere else. For example since you are in charge here when your dog friends come to play they have to listen to what you say and if they don’t you can nip their ears until they do. You can also explore freely without worrying about other animals attacking you for invading. The only animals that don’t follow this rule are chipmunks. I hate those little guys! The most wonderful thing of all though is that you can use the bathroom wherever you like without getting threats from other dogs about using the bathroom on their lawn. (That’s why I never use the bathroom on walks).

As you can now see territory is a very important thing that all dogs should have. I hope you have learned about the keys to claiming and maintaining your territory. I also hope that if you see any chipmunks you will chase them off for me.      

Bad Bunnies

Cute and deadly and pooping everywhere

Many humans wonder why dogs hate bunnies. The answer is clear and simple, dogs hate any intruders who come into their territories and bunnies are the worst invaders of all. No matter how many times you chase them away they always return cottontails held high like they own the place (as a matter of fact they don’t!). They eat all the plants in my human ladys (Lady Charge’s) garden (not that I really care but I feel sorry for lower life forms when something doesn’t go right for them witch is a lot). As if invading and eating the plants in the garden isn’t enough they also leave there disgusting droppings all over the yard! And let me tell you it is not a pleasant surprise to step in one of those little gifts! The worst thing about bunnies by far is that they always get away with every one of these little pots to ruin my humans and I’s life because they are so darn fast that they are impossible to catch! If I could ever catch a bunny then they would be taught a lesson to stay out of my yard!

Many times I have caught bunnies red pawed eating all the plants in Lady Charges garden. Lady Charge doesn’t like it when I go in her garden because I run through the flower beds and pluck her gardening gloves. I do it anyway because it is quite amusing to watch humans get angry! I am always chasing those big eared nincompoops out of the garden but they escape under the fence ever time. I hate fences almost as much as I hate bunnies because they are always getting in the way. I have never gotten the bunnies to fully leave the garden alone but I sure have scared the living daylights out of the a few times!

Another terrible thing that bunnies do that I mentioned is that the poop all over the lawn. This part of bunnies I don’t mind so much because I do enjoy eating bunny poop but for my humans this is torture. They are forced to look where they are going when they are trying to play just so they don’t get their shoes nasty with rabbit dung! Bunnies find watching humans step in there poop amusing because I heard some of them laughing about it after my small human girl got her shoes covered in it. Don’t worry about them though I chased them off and hopefully they won’t be pooping on the lawn for a while for my humans sake.

The by far worst thing about bunnies it that they get away with all their evil schemes because they are much too fast to catch. I chase bunnies ever time I get the chance hoping that perhaps this time will be the time I finally catch one of those clover munching scoundrels but it never is. The only time I have ever gotten close to teaching a bunny a lesson was when I discovered a nest of baby bunnies in my backyard. Even then I wasn’t able to get back at the bunnies for making my life a constant work because my humans found out what I was doing and covered up the nest. I really don’t understand humans, if they hate the bunnies to then why don’t they let me teach those little fluff butted creeps a lesson for once.

I hope you know understand why dogs hate bunnies so much. They are constantly eating the garden, leaving their disgusting droppings on the lawn for my humans to step in, and they never get what they deserve for all the unspeakable things the do. I also hope you consider letting your dog teach bunnies a lesson if they have a chance, because your garden would probably be a whole lot greener if those big eared jerks weren’t always munching on it.               




Cats and what they’re good for (nothing)

The lowest of life forms

Humans often argue witch is better dogs or cats. The answer is very clear, dogs of course are superior to cats. Dogs are smart and loyal and just overall wonderful creatures, cats on the other hand are yowling, pesky flea magnets that are good for absolutely nothing! Nothing!

Even though dogs are obviously much better than cats some very dumb humans took pity on these lower life forms and adopted them into their homes. Don’t ask me what these humans were thinking (maybe they banged there head on the ceiling one to many times) but cats became very popular pets because they are supposedly “ easier to handle” than dogs.

Cats may be easier to take care of in some ways like you can leave them alone for a few days and they don’t bark and annoy your neighbors but there are many more reasons that they are not good pets. True that you can leave your flea magnet alone in the house for a few days but could you really get them in the car in the first place? Cats hate cars and you can’t bring these hairball hackers anywhere without them yowling there head off the whole time. Dogs on the other hand love cars. When ever my humans start to pack the car I know we are about to go on a new and exciting adventure! Dogs will not yowl in the car or nearly claw your arm off when you try to wrestle them into a crate, dogs will be ecstatic to go in the car!

As for cats not barking and annoying the neighbors these evil felines have even worse ways of getting on the neighbors nerves. Cats like to sneak into the neighbor’s yard leave there droppings on the grass, walk through the flower beds and bite the poor birds at the feeders heads off and leave them lying on your front walk as though they are some kind of “gift”, if you could call it that.

Yet another terrible thing about cats is that these bags of fur use the bathroom in litter boxes! What a terrible thing to make your humans clean out every day! Dogs on the other hand use the bathroom outside so that it does not stink up the house. You might be thinking that you have to pick up your dog’s poop too but not if you leave it on your neighbors yard you don’t!

As you can now very clearly see cats are good for absolutely nothing! They are simply a pain in the butt that you should rid from your life forever by bring a more superior animal like a dog into your life. I hope that you now understand what a terrible pet a cat would be and how it would make your life absolutely miserable. I also hope that you appreciate how great dogs are and are thankful that at least some animals turned out wonderful.