Dealing with obnoxious little kids

Are you forced everyday of your life to share your home, humans and sometimes even your bed with annoying and obnoxious little kids? If you do I’m sure you know that it makes your life absolutely miserable but I have some good news for you baby. If you follow my helpful tips those little pests will always respect you and your property.

The first tip is to not let the enemy invade your territory. In order to do this there are a few simple tricks you can use. There’s the simple yet effective growl and show your teeth when baby gets to close, there’s the toy bin mysteriously falls and traps little Timmy underneath, or my personal favorite the room clearing gas bomb. Baby will not stick around long after she smells that.

When trying to escape from little kids there are a few tricks you can use. There’s the retreat to place baby or toddler can’t get you like the scary basement stairs, the thick backyard bush, or the too high bed. You can also accidently trap baby behind the door, under the randomly falling laundry basket or up on the chair they can get up on but not down. My favorite by far is throw the stupidest of your roommates, for example pug brother under the bus and while baby is distracted by pulling his ears flee for safety.

Now that you’ve learned how to keep baby away and how to escape it’s time to have some fun. To deal with a little kid you should also give them a taste of their own medicine. For example, you can tease baby by holding, again your stupidest room mate’s tail just out of pulling range of baby. This is sure to cause a lot of frustration for baby and laughs for you. But it is important to never use your own tail incase babys had a growth spurt and you haven’t noticed, or he learned to fly. You can also annoy baby by whenever your grown humans aren’t looking, jumping up and stealing her meatballs of the highchair tray. But you have to be cautious because of what happened to pug brother once. Mama turned around and pea brain pug was still licking meatball juice of babys tray. That didn’t end well for pug brother.

As you can see baby there are many ways to deal with annoying and obnoxious kids. Keep in mind the Baby Girls tips when dealing with your little nuisance. That is unless you want to become like pug brother, the living Doggy playground.       




Doggy Birthdays, the Best Birthday’s of Them All

The Baby Girls dream cake

Do you love birthdays, especially yours? Well if you do your just like me baby. The Baby Girl loves birthdays! What’s not to like the cake, the presents, the singing, there wonderful. My humans even once threw me and pug brother a huge doggy birthday and invited all our doggy friends. What a blast that was!

That birthday was on of the Baby Girls very favorite days of her life. My humans went all out on it (they even made a pinata shaped like me!) My best friend Stella came and also her very obnoxious brother Oliver. Pug brother mostly just stood in the corner panting and staring at Stella as we played. (That pug is stupid enough when he’s not love sick.)

My humans also prepared a pinata shaped like the Baby girl and stuffed it with peanut butter dog treats. As soon as pug brother got a whiff of that he started circling the kitchen trying to find out where the scent was coming from. Sadly pug brothers neck doesn’t allow him to look upward (or his brain) so I was the one who ended up bringing down that gorgeous pinata. It hurt a bit to see my beautiful pinata face ripped open and my treat guts spill out but I did it for pug brother. (Remember this next time you think I’m always mean to him). Well pug brother was so ecstatic that he scarfed all the treats down to quick and ended up puking it back up in a few minutes. I bet he would have eaten his peanut butter puke too but my humas cleaned it up before he got the chance. (Thank goodness).

That wonderful birthday my humans even made a dog peanut butter and carrot cake. It was much more delicious than dog food but as pug brother said (and for once was right) it wasn’t as good as chicken. My humans and Stella and Olivers humans sang me happy birthday. And the Baby Girl never felt so loved in her life.

Birthdays really are one of the most wonderful things in life (especially if there yours) and you should enjoy every last one of yours. I would also like to wish Bulldog Uncle a very happy birthday. I hope you get a pinata with the Baby Girls face on it too baby! Happy birthday!         




Showing Brother Who’s Boss

Pug brother doing his duty (being a pillow)

Do you have a very unintelligent, stinky, cross eyed sibling? Or at least one who needs showing who’s boss? Well if you do I feel your pain Baby. Lucky for you the Baby Girl is an expert on showing siblings who’s boss. In fact I have to do this to pug brother every day.

Pug brother is very easy to boss around because he doesn’t have very many thoughts of his own. (Or any very good ones anyway). The Baby Girl has a pretty good idea of what’s going on inside that pugs head. “I want to eat some of my own poop, I hope dinner is soon, I like chicken.” Anyway siblings are usually not that bright so you should start showing them who’s boss right away. There are many ways of doing this, pushing your sibling off the bed, taking his favorite bone, or my personal favorite sitting on his head for extended periods of time.

You should also keep in mind while bossing your sibling that they may try to stand up to you. Pug brother has only attempted this once or twice because when he did I made sure he understood that he doesn’t get a say by sitting on his head. I recommend that if your sibling tries to stand up for themselves as well you should try the Baby Girls technique. (It worked very well on pug brother, he hasn’t ever tried to defend himself again).

As you can now see showing your sibling who in charge isn’t as hard as it may seem if you follow the Baby Girls pointers, and very soon your sibling will know who’s the boss.            


Ball Game, The Most Wonderful Thing Ever

Lots of people love to argue over which games are better but the answer is very clear baby! The best game in the world and also the only one that matters at all is Ball Game. Ball game is the Baby Girls favorite game in the whole world. Just the words ball game get me super exited. My Dad and I play it every day for 20 to 30 minutes but I could go on playing for six to eight hours, I could.

Ball game is very simple to play and also extremely fun as well. The way this wonderful game works is that my dad wheres his baseball glove and throws a tennis ball at the basement wall and when it bounces off I run after it. It may not sound like much but this is all the Baby Girl needs to have said she had an excellent day. I love this game so much that one time I had to use the facilities real bad but I was enjoying Ball Game so much I did right then and there as I was playing.

The only beings I know that appreciate Ball Game are myself and my dad. My Mom and Racky have no idea what they are missing out on. One time I did try to teach Racky the rules of Ball Game but that pug is so thick you couldn’t cut through to him with a chainsaw, and instead he decided he would rather go outside and eat his own poop as an activity.

Yes Ball game is the most wonderful game in the world. The Baby Girl will always love her Ball Game and she will cherish the wonderful moments she has had playing it. Everyone should love Ball Game including you baby, because it is clearly the only game in the world that matters!     


Loving Boxes

Most dogs would rather spend their time in a dog bed or on the coach. But not me baby, for me the most perfect place to spend my time is in a box. Any box will do for the Baby girl as long as it’s not flat and Pug Brother has not already been in it.

The Baby Girl has always loved boxes more than anything else and I have made sure to make myself very clear on this matter. Whenever my dad or mom gets a box in the mail they know just who to give it to. I have even taught the children, the small girl mostly to love boxes as much as I do. Both her and me love to climb into boxes and relax. I have taught that girl well I have, she will grow up to be a smart young lady if she already has so much sense.  

The children know I love boxes so much that one time they even made a special one just for the Baby Girl. They colored all over it with there creative little hands and it was the most beautiful box I had ever seen, because I could tell they had worked so hard on it just for the Baby Girl. I climbed right into that box, I did and it was even more wonderful on the inside then on the out ( as most boxes are). The Baby Girl will always remember that box.

The Baby Girl not only loves the look of boxes but also the smell. Cardboard is one of the most soothing scents in the world when you are trying to get to dreamland. The best of all boxes is when the owners are nice enough to put down blankets in the box so that the Baby Girl has something comfortable to rest on as she enjoys her box.

I hope that you will try relaxing in a box for a change because they really are one of the most magical places in the world. The Baby Girl will always love her boxes and you should try loving them too.       



Ask Loretta: Being Sure about Relationships

Dear Loretta,

I have recently met a man I am interested in. It seems that my
interest is reciprocated. However, it also seems that he is more
comfortable than I am with the interval between our meetings. What’s a
girl to do?

Unsure in MD

P.S. Please bear in mind that I was raised at a time when the mores of society dictated that it was a “No No” to even call a young man and now it seems that there are few if any “No Nos.” No wonder I am confused. Continue reading “Ask Loretta: Being Sure about Relationships”

Ask Loretta: What a Baby Girl Needs

Dear Loretta,

I am writing to ask for your advice. You see, much like you, I am
myself a baby girl of the smooshed-face variety, and as you are trying
to convince the masses, this is a wonderful thing.

But the problem I have is this. I’m just over 3 months old, and my
dad wants me to pee and poo outside. Do you hear me?!? He wants me
to go OUTSIDE in the cold, when there’s a perfectly good carpet to pee
on. And it’s warm.

I’m trying to convince my dad that he’s just unreasonable. Can you help??

Help me Loretta, you’re my only hope.

Lola Continue reading “Ask Loretta: What a Baby Girl Needs”

Ask Loretta: A Hidden Love for Pop Music

Dear Loretta,

My friends listen to bands no one knows. I pretend to like the music they like, but secretly I love pop songs. I’ll take Kelly Clarkson over the latest moppy-haired angst band anytime, but I’m afraid to reveal my true nature for fear my friends will leave me. Please help me Loretta.

Pop Lover Continue reading “Ask Loretta: A Hidden Love for Pop Music”

Ask Loretta: Baby Attacks

Dear Loretta,

I am a very fat cat. I pride myself on my girth and my disdain for humans. Since October 2003, unfortunately, my human roommates (I mean really … who can afford to live alone in Boston these days?) have allowed a child into my
living space. She’s a peanut of a girl, but wily and very very noisy. For nearly two years now, I have had to put up with the humiliation of having my ears pulled and the annoyance of her poking and prodding me and yelling, “Mow, mow, mow” in my face.

I have had enough.

Surely there must be a way to rid myself of this pest. Perhaps a quick dash under her feet near a stairwell … a swift, well-aimed nip at her jugular … or maybe something as simple as sucking her breath while she sleeps (which it seems she never does!)

Surely a bulldog as streetwise as you has connections? Help me, Loretta. I can make it worth your while to help me.


P.S. I am attaching a photo to give you an idea of the conditions under which I am living.

An unprovoked baby attack.
Continue reading “Ask Loretta: Baby Attacks”