Blanche the Bulldog is the one of the most wonderful bulldogs in the world. Her owners love here dearly and they pamper her to the extreme! Blanche loves sharing her opinions with the world (because it sorely needs them) and that is why she began publishing on SmooshedFace.com. Blanche loves chasing bunnies, lying in the sun and peanut butter bones. She sincerely hopes you enjoy SmooshedFace.com!
Has your human or humans every taken you to dog training classes? Have they screamed at you and waved their hand in your face for an hour and a half while you sit there not having a clue what to do? Well don’t feel bad, it’s really the humans who who are being dumb. They expect certain responses from us that make absolutely zero sense. I learned that when my girl puppy human and Lady Charge took me to dog training classes trying to get me to run some dumb obstacle course.
Most dogs do the commands their humans give them because they want to please their human or they are mindless sheep that need a shepherd to tell them what to do, (most likely number two). Humans have come up with lots of humiliating tricks, (and I mean what are me ponies!?) for us to preform. They all make no sense and are extremely stupid and embarrassing. I was first taken to training classes because my girl puppy human saw a sorry excuse for a bulldog doing agility course on T.V. Of course that gave her the brainless idea that she should try that with me, and the next week I found myself in the town rec departments gym with two other extremely stupid dogs who actually thought that following dumb commands and making a fool of yourself was somehow fun.
Anyway, the first command my girl puppy human tried to get me to do was sit. Now of course I know what sit means but I prefer to do it whenever I want not whenever I’m told. Plus my girl puppy human was holding a treat up over my head so the logical thing to do was jump up and get it so that’s what I did. We tried this a few more times but my girl puppy human started holding the treat out of my reach so I had no choice but to sit down so that she’d hand over the treat.
My humans also tried to teach me how to come. I had no problem with this one according to my humans, but I wasn’t doing it for them I was only coming because my girl puppy human was holding food out in front of me so the obvious thing to do was run and to her so she’d give it to me. That command made the most sense of all of them but the command before come really had me stumped. Stay makes no sense at all. Why should I sit and wait for my treat when I can just go to my girl puppy human who has them. All the other dogs just sat there mindlessly staring off into space until their human called them. What’s the logic in that.
In the end my humans apparently decided I was hopeless or something but the truth is I‘m the smart one and it was the other dogs who are hopeless. The only thing I did learn at dog training class is that I’m the only intelligent one in a world full of idiots.
As you may already know we dogs find it entertaining to watch our humans mess up, get crushed by the Christmas tree, and of course my personal favorite freak out. Well the key to getting your human to entertain you by freaking out is annoying them constantly, and lucky for you you’ve come to the right place for that information.(Not to brag but I’m rather good at getting my humans into that state).
On great way to get your human to freak out is repeatedly do something they consider “Bad” like peeing on the carpet, getting on the coach without the dog cover or chewing on their brand new shoes. (You don’t only have to chew on shoes though gloves or socks will do just fine). These acts will be sure to get your human to go bananas in no time at all!
Another way to drive your humans up the wall is to hide things they really need and make it seem as if they have magically disappeared. First you must find something that is very important to your humans like a paper for work or there favorite pair of fancy shoes ( I recommend not taking anything that is extremely valuable because your humans may resort to calling the police and saying there’s been a robbery and I’m assuming you don’t want those big strangers with tasers turning your house upside down looking for a diamond ring and a guy in a bandit mask). Anyway after you have successfully gotten whatever important thing of your owners you must hide it in a place they will never look for it. For example every week I try to hide my puppy humans school library books like on the shelf were they are supposed to be ( my humans aren’t very organized). When they realize that they aren’t ready for library they totally freak out! They pull out every drawer and look under every coach and when they still can’t find it they freak out even more. You can also do this with your adult human but they may be less easy to fool. You will probably have to hide it in a place like one of the puppy humans assignment notebooks or at the bottom of their soccer trophy box in the basement. Either way the reaction from both puppy humans and adult humans is very entertaining to watch with this method.
Another great way to make your humans completely lose it is to not listen to anything they say. This method is my personal favorite but it is best applied in front of an audience so your human will feel even more embarrassed when you ignore them. I have done this many times to my girl puppy human at dog training classes. When ever she tells me to do something I just completely ignore her. What does she think I am her sheep to be herded? The only time you should listen to your humans commands is when there is a reward like treats or tummy rubs. Or when you want to show off to your dog friends like that you can jump over a two foot hurdle when your only a foot tall and definitely not built for it.
As you can see there are many wonderful methods that you can apply to your humans to make them go completely bananas. I hope you enjoy using my ways to make your humans freak out they should work on every kind of human especially the dumb ones.
To many people it may come as a surprise that I don’t enjoy a nice relaxing walk with my humans. Most dogs love walks, and will jump around with excitement when they see their leash or even when someone says the word. Not me, when I see my harness I cower in the corner trying not to be seen. There are many reasons why I don’t like walks that I think you should consider yourself.
First, I do not particularly enjoy walks because my humans make me wear my Harness of Shame on them. (They put it on me when I’m being bad and then I have to go sit in the corner and be quite). When they put it on me for a walk I don’t think they are really trying to punish me but it sure comes across that way. When ever my humans are going to put on my Harness of Shame I always attempt to persuade them out of it by giving them my biggest, saddest, wateriest puppy dog eyes and putting my ears way back on my head but it never works.
Another reason that I hate walks is because cars trucks and other dogs are constantly spooking me. I have to be on high alert when I’m on a walk because I have learned that if I’m not a crazy pitbull will jump out of a car window and try to attack me. I don’t just have to look out for out of control mutts but also for cars and trucks. Once I was on a very busy road and I turned my back to it sniffing some grass or something but a bus snuck up behind me and honked right in my very sensitive ears! I jumped a foot in the air it scared me so bad! I have never turned my back to the street again in case any other cars or trucks try to sneak up on me.
The third and final reason I hate walks is because I’m never actually able to stop and sniff things because my humans are always telling me to “hurry up” and “they don’t have all day”. What humans don’t understand is that us dogs need our time when it comes to sniffing. There is so much to smell on walks and you pull us along not letting us stop and smell them at all. This is compleat torture to us dogs!
Do you know understand why I absolutely hate walks? I have to wear my Harness of Shame, have machines and animals constantly spooking me and on top of all that I never get to enjoy all the wonderful smells because my humans are always dragging me along. ( In fact, the only time I enjoyed a walk was when there were a bunch of acorns on the ground and I got to eat a them.)
When it comes to territory there are many important keys to understanding it. It is very important to have territory when you are a dog so that other dogs and leser animals like squirrels and bunnies know that you are in charge in this area and they should stay out of your way. You should claim as much territory as you can because the more you have the more powerful you will be. You must not only claim territory but also protect what is already yours. You don’t want any intruders to invade so if you see any run them off immediately. When you have territory you must also know how to use it. There are many things you can do on your territory that you will see are quite great.
When claiming territory the most common way dogs do this is by spreading their urine on whatever they want to be theirs. They will often put messages in like “stay back” or “this is mine.” Although most people think that only male dogs mark that is not true at all. I have many times after another dog urinates on my territory gone right over and peed exactly on top of their spot to show that this is mine and not theirs. Most dogs leave small messages but I want to have others understand not to mess with me so I leave something more like this “stay back or I’ll send the vacuum cleaner after you.”
Protecting territory that is already yours is a very important because you do not want to lose it to invaders. If you are a brave and courageous bulldog like me you will most likely have no trouble at all protecting what is yours. But for those of you who don’t have as much experience here are a few pointers. First whenever you hear a sound that you are unsure of you should bark at it. This may drive your humans insane but what they don’t understand is that we’re protecting them from what could possibly be an invader by scaring it of with our terrifying barking. Humans are so strange. Second if you do spot an invader like a squirrel, bunny, or in the worst case the mail carrier, chase after them until they have left your territory (or in the mail carriers case bark and lunge at the door). Third and finally you should also patrol your territory daily to make sure there is no suspicious activity that you should know about. If you happen to stumble across some see above what to do.
There are many wonderful things that you can do on your territory that you can’t do anywhere else. For example since you are in charge here when your dog friends come to play they have to listen to what you say and if they don’t you can nip their ears until they do. You can also explore freely without worrying about other animals attacking you for invading. The only animals that don’t follow this rule are chipmunks. I hate those little guys! The most wonderful thing of all though is that you can use the bathroom wherever you like without getting threats from other dogs about using the bathroom on their lawn. (That’s why I never use the bathroom on walks).
As you can now see territory is a very important thing that all dogs should have. I hope you have learned about the keys to claiming and maintaining your territory. I also hope that if you see any chipmunks you will chase them off for me.
Many humans wonder why dogs hate bunnies. The answer is clear and simple, dogs hate any intruders who come into their territories and bunnies are the worst invaders of all. No matter how many times you chase them away they always return cottontails held high like they own the place (as a matter of fact they don’t!). They eat all the plants in my human ladys (Lady Charge’s) garden (not that I really care but I feel sorry for lower life forms when something doesn’t go right for them witch is a lot). As if invading and eating the plants in the garden isn’t enough they also leave there disgusting droppings all over the yard! And let me tell you it is not a pleasant surprise to step in one of those little gifts! The worst thing about bunnies by far is that they always get away with every one of these little pots to ruin my humans and I’s life because they are so darn fast that they are impossible to catch! If I could ever catch a bunny then they would be taught a lesson to stay out of my yard!
Many times I have caught bunnies red pawed eating all the plants in Lady Charges garden. Lady Charge doesn’t like it when I go in her garden because I run through the flower beds and pluck her gardening gloves. I do it anyway because it is quite amusing to watch humans get angry! I am always chasing those big eared nincompoops out of the garden but they escape under the fence ever time. I hate fences almost as much as I hate bunnies because they are always getting in the way. I have never gotten the bunnies to fully leave the garden alone but I sure have scared the living daylights out of the a few times!
Another terrible thing that bunnies do that I mentioned is that the poop all over the lawn. This part of bunnies I don’t mind so much because I do enjoy eating bunny poop but for my humans this is torture. They are forced to look where they are going when they are trying to play just so they don’t get their shoes nasty with rabbit dung! Bunnies find watching humans step in there poop amusing because I heard some of them laughing about it after my small human girl got her shoes covered in it. Don’t worry about them though I chased them off and hopefully they won’t be pooping on the lawn for a while for my humans sake.
The by far worst thing about bunnies it that they get away with all their evil schemes because they are much too fast to catch. I chase bunnies ever time I get the chance hoping that perhaps this time will be the time I finally catch one of those clover munching scoundrels but it never is. The only time I have ever gotten close to teaching a bunny a lesson was when I discovered a nest of baby bunnies in my backyard. Even then I wasn’t able to get back at the bunnies for making my life a constant work because my humans found out what I was doing and covered up the nest. I really don’t understand humans, if they hate the bunnies to then why don’t they let me teach those little fluff butted creeps a lesson for once.
I hope you know understand why dogs hate bunnies so much. They are constantly eating the garden, leaving their disgusting droppings on the lawn for my humans to step in, and they never get what they deserve for all the unspeakable things the do. I also hope you consider letting your dog teach bunnies a lesson if they have a chance, because your garden would probably be a whole lot greener if those big eared jerks weren’t always munching on it.
Humans often argue witch is better dogs or cats. The answer is very clear, dogs of course are superior to cats. Dogs are smart and loyal and just overall wonderful creatures, cats on the other hand are yowling, pesky flea magnets that are good for absolutely nothing! Nothing!
Even though dogs are obviously much better than cats some very dumb humans took pity on these lower life forms and adopted them into their homes. Don’t ask me what these humans were thinking (maybe they banged there head on the ceiling one to many times) but cats became very popular pets because they are supposedly “ easier to handle” than dogs.
Cats may be easier to take care of in some ways like you can leave them alone for a few days and they don’t bark and annoy your neighbors but there are many more reasons that they are not good pets. True that you can leave your flea magnet alone in the house for a few days but could you really get them in the car in the first place? Cats hate cars and you can’t bring these hairball hackers anywhere without them yowling there head off the whole time. Dogs on the other hand love cars. When ever my humans start to pack the car I know we are about to go on a new and exciting adventure! Dogs will not yowl in the car or nearly claw your arm off when you try to wrestle them into a crate, dogs will be ecstatic to go in the car!
As for cats not barking and annoying the neighbors these evil felines have even worse ways of getting on the neighbors nerves. Cats like to sneak into the neighbor’s yard leave there droppings on the grass, walk through the flower beds and bite the poor birds at the feeders heads off and leave them lying on your front walk as though they are some kind of “gift”, if you could call it that.
Yet another terrible thing about cats is that these bags of fur use the bathroom in litter boxes! What a terrible thing to make your humans clean out every day! Dogs on the other hand use the bathroom outside so that it does not stink up the house. You might be thinking that you have to pick up your dog’s poop too but not if you leave it on your neighbors yard you don’t!
As you can now very clearly see cats are good for absolutely nothing! They are simply a pain in the butt that you should rid from your life forever by bring a more superior animal like a dog into your life. I hope that you now understand what a terrible pet a cat would be and how it would make your life absolutely miserable. I also hope that you appreciate how great dogs are and are thankful that at least some animals turned out wonderful.
All around the world in every city and town humans keep dogs as “pets”. They think they own us. They are wrong. We, the dogs are the true owners. Humans think they can train us, but really we are the ones training them. Humans were obviously put on earth to serve dogs. Why else would such a stupid and easily manipulated life form be created?
Some dogs (the ones that have never experienced how life with humans is) argue that living with humans makes the humans think they own us and being owned is something only lowly life forms (like cats) are. I say let the humans think whatever they want because the truth is that we are the real owners and what the humans think doesn’t matter.
Humans are relatively easy to train to serve you. The three most important things to a dogs life to make it a good one are plenty of food, (and not dog food good real food) excitement and entertainment, and of course pampering.
Training your human or humans to give you food is quite simple. Humans are very easily manipulated by cuteness so make your eyes as big and watery as you can and wine desperately like if you don’t get some food your going to starve to death. (this technique is known as cuteness control) Most humans take pity on what they think are “lower life form”, and we can use this to our advantage. If puppy dog eyes and a desperate wine don’t melt your humans heart and make them give you lots of food you should try pawing at their legs and whimpering some more. If this has still not made your human give you food then you have to take it up a notch. The way to get food out of these humans is by pestering them until they give you what you want. Whimper and paw at their legs until they get annoyed and give you food. They think you will stop complaining but the trick to this strategy is to make your human think that when they give you food you will stop being a bother. (This technique is known as annoy it out of em). When you have convince your human this they will give you food whenever you annoy them.
When it comes to humans you don’t even have to do anything to make them entertain you. There is plenty of entertainment around the household because humans tend to make lots of mistakes (mostly big ones) the are quite exciting to watch. For example, in my house hold the most entertainment happens from when the humans lose their footing and fall down the stairs or wipe out on the floor. The most amusing wipeout happened when my large male puffy haired human attempted to take down the christmas tree and it squished him.
It is also amazingly easy to train your human to pamper you and give you lots of attention. As you know humans are easily manipulated by cuteness so turn up the volume on your depressed whimpers and make your eyes as big and watery as you can. Once you have caught the attention of your human turn the part of your body that you want petted/scratched towered there hand and let the good times roll. (cuteness control) When you are first brought to your home by the humans you must quickly show them who’s boss. This will make it much easier to make them pamper you in the futcher. Teach them that when you growl at the coach you are to be picked up and cuddled, and when you pluck things you shouldn’t have it means you are board and they must give you a peanut butter bone.
In all humans are the most perfect servant a dog could ask for. They provide food, entertainment, and pamper you to the extreme if you train them correctly. All dogs should own one!