Has your human or humans every taken you to dog training classes? Have they screamed at you and waved their hand in your face for an hour and a half while you sit there not having a clue what to do? Well don’t feel bad, it’s really the humans who who are being dumb. They expect certain responses from us that make absolutely zero sense. I learned that when my girl puppy human and Lady Charge took me to dog training classes trying to get me to run some dumb obstacle course.
Most dogs do the commands their humans give them because they want to please their human or they are mindless sheep that need a shepherd to tell them what to do, (most likely number two). Humans have come up with lots of humiliating tricks, (and I mean what are me ponies!?) for us to preform. They all make no sense and are extremely stupid and embarrassing. I was first taken to training classes because my girl puppy human saw a sorry excuse for a bulldog doing agility course on T.V. Of course that gave her the brainless idea that she should try that with me, and the next week I found myself in the town rec departments gym with two other extremely stupid dogs who actually thought that following dumb commands and making a fool of yourself was somehow fun.
Anyway, the first command my girl puppy human tried to get me to do was sit. Now of course I know what sit means but I prefer to do it whenever I want not whenever I’m told. Plus my girl puppy human was holding a treat up over my head so the logical thing to do was jump up and get it so that’s what I did. We tried this a few more times but my girl puppy human started holding the treat out of my reach so I had no choice but to sit down so that she’d hand over the treat.
My humans also tried to teach me how to come. I had no problem with this one according to my humans, but I wasn’t doing it for them I was only coming because my girl puppy human was holding food out in front of me so the obvious thing to do was run and to her so she’d give it to me. That command made the most sense of all of them but the command before come really had me stumped. Stay makes no sense at all. Why should I sit and wait for my treat when I can just go to my girl puppy human who has them. All the other dogs just sat there mindlessly staring off into space until their human called them. What’s the logic in that.
In the end my humans apparently decided I was hopeless or something but the truth is I‘m the smart one and it was the other dogs who are hopeless. The only thing I did learn at dog training class is that I’m the only intelligent one in a world full of idiots.
Earlier this morning, at 9:15 a.m, Blanche the Bulldog was going to her girl- puppy- human’s room to enjoy her early morning sunbathing ritual on her puppy-human’s bed. When she entered her sunbathing room, she was in for a nasty surprise. Two birds had broken into her room and were taking over the place!
Blanche bravely assessed the situation of the bird break in. From the start, Blanche had many questions, but her biggest was, “How the heck did they get in here? I have only ever seen birds outside my home.” Said Blanche the Bulldog, “And I have never seen birds quite like this before, so I knew I must be careful, in case they had some kind of evil plan.”
For weeks Blanche had been noticing odd objects appearing in her girl-puppy-human’s room. First, they were small, like a wooden ladder, but then, bigger things started popping up and when a cage appeared on the dresser, Blanche knew that she should prepare for herself, but she never suspected two birds!
Blanche bravely leapt onto her sunbathing bed and watched the two bird intruders. “They were showing of their colorful feathers and making little chirps at me. What show offs!” said Blanche the Bulldog.
“I was about to take matters into my own paws and banish the two squawking show offs when my girl-puppy-human came into my sunbathing room and shooed me right out the door!” said Blanche the Bulldog. Blanche waited patiently by the door so that she could get rid of the two break in birds but her girl-puppy-human never let her get a chance, she even closed her door so that no one could get in and banish the birds.
“Humans are so strange,” said Blanche. “Whenever you try to do something for them, they never let you get the chance.”
The two birds are still hidden behind the door but Blanche will continue to try to find a way to banish the squawking menaces so that her sunbathing room will be peaceful once again.
If you want to know all about Valentine’s Day I’m the pug to talk to. I know everything there is to know about Valentine’s Day. Many people have asked me what the meaning of Valentine’s Day is. Is it when you get stung by the bee that you didn’t know was in the flower you picked for your date? Yes, kind of. Is it when you accidentally poo in your true love’s water dish thinking it was a toilet? Yes, partly. Is it when you attack the TV in front of your date when you think there’s a lion in there and you try to protect her but instead you give yourself a minor concussion? Unfortunately, yes. Valentine’s Day is a day to be with your true love but it is also a day to make a complete fool of yourself in front of your date. But I had to learn that the hard way.
For Valentine’s Day I knew exactly who I wanted to ask out. She’s the most beautiful, wonderful pug I have ever met. She has the softest black hair and the cutest curly tail. Her name is Stella and I have always wanted to ask her out for Valentine’s Day but only this year I finally had the courage to confront her. And by some miracle she said yes! Stella is the most perfect pug in the world (her only flaw is that she’s best friends with Loretta) so I wanted this to be a perfect night for us. I picked her a bouquet of hosta flowers, dandelions, and weeds I stole a chicken wing out of the refrigerator for us to share. I like chicken. And I even made her a necklace of dog treat hearts (but I ate half of it by the time she arrived.)
When Stella came prancing in the front door she was even more beautiful then I remembered. She had a rose tucked behind her ear and her collar had little hearts embroidered on it. Best of all she smelled like chicken. I like chicken. We said hello by sniffing rears and then I presented to her the dog treat heart necklace and the bouquet of flowers I had picked. As I pawed her the flowers a bee flew out and headed straight for my face. It turned its pointy backside at my delicate nose and began stinging it! I whimpered and hopped around from the pain. Stella finally killed the bee with her rawhide bone and then removed it painfully from my nose. What a girl!
After I had presented Stella with the necklace and flowers we went to the kitchen to enjoy the chicken wing I had snatched from the refrigerator. We split it in half and I swallowed it on one gulp. Stella on the other paw took teeny bites of her chicken. I waited and waited for her to finish and I started to feel the need to use the bathroom. I didn’t want to be rude and leave without her finishing so I tried to hold it but very soon it was clear it needed to come out. I jumped up and ran to the back door whimpering for my humans to let me out but they must have had Valentines plans of their own because they weren’t coming. I rushed around the house desperately looking for a place to relieve myself. Finally I found a toilet. I don’t usually use them (they are for the humans) but I don’t think my humans would have been pleased if I just went on the floor. After I had finished I turned around trying to find my way back to the kitchen. Stella would probably be wondering where I had gone. I was in for a terrible surprise though when I turned around. Stella was standing right there! She had watched me poop! But why was she in the bathroom? That’s when I made an even worse discovery. I looked down and realized that I had just pooped in Stella’s water bowl! I would have turned fire-hydrant red if dogs could blush.
After the water bowl toilet incident Stella and I went to watch a romantic nature show on TV. Everything was going fine I hadn’t done anything embarrassing for 10 minutes and Stella’s cute little paw was resting on top of mine. That’s when I saw the lion on TV. It roared loudly and came running toward us. I warned Stella to stand back and that I would take care of this. Then I charged bravely at the TV. Well I thought I looked brave. What I actually ended up looking like was a dumb pug running into a TV. After I had collided with the TV my head was spinning so much I had to lie on the floor for five minutes before I could stand upright. After that Stella changed the channel so I wouldn’t suffer any more concussions that evening.
When It was time for Stella to go home I walked her to the front door and said goodbye, disappointed the Valentine’s date hasn’t been all that perfect. But what Stella did next made up for all the disasters that had happened that night. She licked me! Right on the nose where the bee stung me, then with that cute smile she does she headed out the door. After that I fainted from love and when my owners got home they thought I was dead, but that was still one of the best nights of my life.
As you may already know we dogs find it entertaining to watch our humans mess up, get crushed by the Christmas tree, and of course my personal favorite freak out. Well the key to getting your human to entertain you by freaking out is annoying them constantly, and lucky for you you’ve come to the right place for that information.(Not to brag but I’m rather good at getting my humans into that state).
On great way to get your human to freak out is repeatedly do something they consider “Bad” like peeing on the carpet, getting on the coach without the dog cover or chewing on their brand new shoes. (You don’t only have to chew on shoes though gloves or socks will do just fine). These acts will be sure to get your human to go bananas in no time at all!
Another way to drive your humans up the wall is to hide things they really need and make it seem as if they have magically disappeared. First you must find something that is very important to your humans like a paper for work or there favorite pair of fancy shoes ( I recommend not taking anything that is extremely valuable because your humans may resort to calling the police and saying there’s been a robbery and I’m assuming you don’t want those big strangers with tasers turning your house upside down looking for a diamond ring and a guy in a bandit mask). Anyway after you have successfully gotten whatever important thing of your owners you must hide it in a place they will never look for it. For example every week I try to hide my puppy humans school library books like on the shelf were they are supposed to be ( my humans aren’t very organized). When they realize that they aren’t ready for library they totally freak out! They pull out every drawer and look under every coach and when they still can’t find it they freak out even more. You can also do this with your adult human but they may be less easy to fool. You will probably have to hide it in a place like one of the puppy humans assignment notebooks or at the bottom of their soccer trophy box in the basement. Either way the reaction from both puppy humans and adult humans is very entertaining to watch with this method.
Another great way to make your humans completely lose it is to not listen to anything they say. This method is my personal favorite but it is best applied in front of an audience so your human will feel even more embarrassed when you ignore them. I have done this many times to my girl puppy human at dog training classes. When ever she tells me to do something I just completely ignore her. What does she think I am her sheep to be herded? The only time you should listen to your humans commands is when there is a reward like treats or tummy rubs. Or when you want to show off to your dog friends like that you can jump over a two foot hurdle when your only a foot tall and definitely not built for it.
As you can see there are many wonderful methods that you can apply to your humans to make them go completely bananas. I hope you enjoy using my ways to make your humans freak out they should work on every kind of human especially the dumb ones.
Do you love birthdays, especially yours? Well if you do your just like me baby. The Baby Girl loves birthdays! What’s not to like the cake, the presents, the singing, there wonderful. My humans even once threw me and pug brother a huge doggy birthday and invited all our doggy friends. What a blast that was!
That birthday was on of the Baby Girls very favorite days of her life. My humans went all out on it (they even made a pinata shaped like me!) My best friend Stella came and also her very obnoxious brother Oliver. Pug brother mostly just stood in the corner panting and staring at Stella as we played. (That pug is stupid enough when he’s not love sick.)
My humans also prepared a pinata shaped like the Baby girl and stuffed it with peanut butter dog treats. As soon as pug brother got a whiff of that he started circling the kitchen trying to find out where the scent was coming from. Sadly pug brothers neck doesn’t allow him to look upward (or his brain) so I was the one who ended up bringing down that gorgeous pinata. It hurt a bit to see my beautiful pinata face ripped open and my treat guts spill out but I did it for pug brother. (Remember this next time you think I’m always mean to him). Well pug brother was so ecstatic that he scarfed all the treats down to quick and ended up puking it back up in a few minutes. I bet he would have eaten his peanut butter puke too but my humas cleaned it up before he got the chance. (Thank goodness).
That wonderful birthday my humans even made a dog peanut butter and carrot cake. It was much more delicious than dog food but as pug brother said (and for once was right) it wasn’t as good as chicken. My humans and Stella and Olivers humans sang me happy birthday. And the Baby Girl never felt so loved in her life.
Birthdays really are one of the most wonderful things in life (especially if there yours) and you should enjoy every last one of yours. I would also like to wish Bulldog Uncle a very happy birthday. I hope you get a pinata with the Baby Girls face on it too baby! Happy birthday!
If you want to know all about crayons I’m the pug to talk to. I know everything about crayons because I have eaten so many of them. Many people have asked me what the meaning of crayons is and it is simple and very clear. Crayons are for eating!
Crayons are one of the best tasting things other than food or chicken. I like chicken. There are lots of crayons at my house because my human puppys use them all the time for coloring. For some reason they don’t eat them. If only they knew what they were missing out on. Luckily for me they also leave them all over the floor and that’s how I eat them.
Crayons come in many different colors. Red, orange, blue, green the list goes on and on. Surprisingly and disappointingly they don’t have different tastes when their color varies. My sister Loretta tells me that eating crayons is disgusting and that it’s bad for my teeth. I don’t listen to her though (plus I’m already am missing most of my teeth).
As you can see crayons are a very tasty and colorful way to fill your tummy. They will never be as tasty as chicken though I like chicken.
The beach is used to keep dogs happy the meaning of everything of course. Dogs arethe greatest type of life form can you believe that some beaches don’t allow dogs. If it was my rules humans shouldn’t be allowed to go on beaches especially with bathing suits. We dogs love to swim in fact we even invented a stroke called the doggy paddle its already famous its only been around for a fewdecades. Of course no human could master the doggiepaddle like us. Dogs have been swimming way before humans. The beach is now overrun by humans this is bad for dogs this means that theres less place for dogs to swim. When theres less place for dogs to swim theres less place for fetch and many other dog related activites.
Earlier this morning right after Blanche the Bulldogs puppy humans had left for school Blanche headed up to her girl puppy human’s room to lie on her warm bed and watch her territory from above. Blanche is very serious about protecting her territory from invaders so when she entered her lookout room she was shocked to see an invader was not just in her territory but in her home. A stuffed pug with a strange unicorn horn and rainbow main was sitting on her soft wight chair.
Blanche had never encountered such a creature before so she didn’t attack it right away. She knew that it could possibly have some kind of defense mechanism that it would release if she tried to attack. Blanche knew that if she snuck up behind it the unipug would not be able to defend itself as well unless it had retractable spikes on its back. Blanche bravely snuck up behind the invader and prepared to make her attack.
She crouched waiting to make sure the unipug had not spotted her and then with great grace and accuracy she lunged at the unipug and sank her teeth into the back of it’s plush neck. Lucky for Blanche the unipug didn’t have retractable spikes on its back or for that matter any kind of defense at all. Blanche with the invader trotted downstairs to throw the unipug off her territory for good. But Blanches humans did not hear her whimpering at the door so she could banish the invader.
“As long as I had to wait I thought I might as well have some fun with the invader teach the nasty little creep a lesson.” Said Blanche the Bulldog when questioned. “So I gnawed on his legs as I waited for one of my humans to find me at the door.”
When Blanches humans did find her they were the opposite of pleased in fact they yelled at her for a good ten minutes. The worst of all they put the unipug the invader back in her fluffy white chair but out of her reach.
“I will never understand humans.” Said Blanche the Bulldog. “Why would they punish you for trying to protect their territory from nasty little invaders like the unipug.”
The unipug continuous to sit on Blanches fluffy white chair just out of her reach. “I’ll get that little creature someday.” Said Blanche. “But for now I must be patient, that little invader has to come down one of these days.
To many people it may come as a surprise that I don’t enjoy a nice relaxing walk with my humans. Most dogs love walks, and will jump around with excitement when they see their leash or even when someone says the word. Not me, when I see my harness I cower in the corner trying not to be seen. There are many reasons why I don’t like walks that I think you should consider yourself.
First, I do not particularly enjoy walks because my humans make me wear my Harness of Shame on them. (They put it on me when I’m being bad and then I have to go sit in the corner and be quite). When they put it on me for a walk I don’t think they are really trying to punish me but it sure comes across that way. When ever my humans are going to put on my Harness of Shame I always attempt to persuade them out of it by giving them my biggest, saddest, wateriest puppy dog eyes and putting my ears way back on my head but it never works.
Another reason that I hate walks is because cars trucks and other dogs are constantly spooking me. I have to be on high alert when I’m on a walk because I have learned that if I’m not a crazy pitbull will jump out of a car window and try to attack me. I don’t just have to look out for out of control mutts but also for cars and trucks. Once I was on a very busy road and I turned my back to it sniffing some grass or something but a bus snuck up behind me and honked right in my very sensitive ears! I jumped a foot in the air it scared me so bad! I have never turned my back to the street again in case any other cars or trucks try to sneak up on me.
The third and final reason I hate walks is because I’m never actually able to stop and sniff things because my humans are always telling me to “hurry up” and “they don’t have all day”. What humans don’t understand is that us dogs need our time when it comes to sniffing. There is so much to smell on walks and you pull us along not letting us stop and smell them at all. This is compleat torture to us dogs!
Do you know understand why I absolutely hate walks? I have to wear my Harness of Shame, have machines and animals constantly spooking me and on top of all that I never get to enjoy all the wonderful smells because my humans are always dragging me along. ( In fact, the only time I enjoyed a walk was when there were a bunch of acorns on the ground and I got to eat a them.)
If you want to know all about babies I’m the pug to talk to. I know everything about babies because I have had to put up with not one but two of them! They pull your ears, rip your fur out, and grab your tail every time you walk by. They are intent on making my life as miserable as possible.(Just like sisters). The only things that got me through those dark times was the thought of them growing up and leaving, and chicken. I like chicken.
The babies that live in my house have many methods of making my life miserable. First they steal all the attention from me and my sister Loretta. Well that’s not true. Loretta still gets lots of attention from Man, but Lady is the one that gives me attention and she’s much too busy with the baby. Once they were both so busy that they forgot to let me outside, and I pooped in the kitchen.
Another way that the babies have made my life miserable is by messing up my sleep schedule. I need my rest or else I get oblivious to what’s going on around me, and Loretta can sneak up and sit on my head before I realize she’s there. The babies don’t seem to appreciate my personal problems though because they scream all through the night so I barely catch any z’s at all.
The worst thing yet about babies is that they don’t eat real food. They eat gross mushed up stuff that smells like dried fruit. Even I don’t want to eat that stuff when it drops on the floor and I’ll eat anything. (I eat it anyway though because if I do it insures I’ll make it to dinner without passing out from hunger).
As you can now see the meaning of babies is to steal all the attention from you, keep you up all night and drop food for you that probably isn’t even edible. Hopefully one day they’ll grow up and drop lot’s of chicken for me. I like chicken.