Why dogs hate Halloween

Look at these poor souls! How embarrassing.

Well hello adoring fans. Blanche the most beautiful, intelligent and by far the best creature in existence has returned to tell you why dogs hate Halloween. It might come as a surprise to you that dogs hate Halloween. After all in your mind Halloween is the perfect holiday, the costume, the spooky decorations, lots and lots of candy. But let me open your eyes and hopefully you’ll understand what dogs have to deal with during this holiday.

The first reason dogs hate Halloween are the costumes and I’m not talking about the trick or treaters costumes even though they can be pretty disturbing and even confusing. I’m still under house arrest for attacking a kid who was dressed as a sausage but can you really blame me for that? I’m talking about the costumes you humans try to dress us up in. What is more humiliating than wearing a witch hat and skirt? Or a hamburger suit? Nothing that’s what! My personal experience with costumes might play into my hate for them though. When I was only a wee pup the girl human took me to a dog costume contest. Shudder, I still get the shivers thinking about this experience. Anyway I was paraded around in with Fourth of July amarican flag headbands on my head for what seemed like hours. (Speaking of my costume, can you get more uncreative? The girl human literally just dug around in the costume bin in the back room and then picked what looked “good” in her twisted mind and shoved me into it!) Anyway continuing on, the judges came around and inspected each of the costume. Of course the girl human lost because my costume was half broken and had nothing to do with Halloween. The girl human was pretty upset but I was just glad to get out of there. Honestly I’m glad the girl didn’t win because then she might have gotten the idea to put me into more embarrassing costumes and parade me around and believe me I don’t need that.   

Another reason dogs hate Halloween are the trick or treaters. I’m already perturbed by the doorbell and having it go off every five seconds with a new group of dressed up second graders on a sugar buzz is not helping my mental health. Also lets just take a moment to acknowledge that the whole concept of trick or treating isn’t at all accurate. I’ve been through lots of halloweens and the trick or treaters always get treats they never ever get tricked. I think you stupid humans should either change the name so it actully makes sense or take up the tricking part of this holiday, and I’d be happy to help because I’ve got a elecric doorbell, an exploding doormat and a complex laser system just lying around and I’m hoping I get to use them at some point, but at the rate this is going it’s probably never going to happen. 

The final reason dogs hate halloween are the decorations. I for one get extremely freaked out by new unexplained objects that find their way into my home. I scared myself half to death a few times when I’ve walked by one of the halloween decorations which is this creepy talking pumpkin that randomly turns on and cackles loud enough to break the sound barrier. There are lots of other decorations around that freak me out as well like the ghosts hanging from the trees, the spider that comes after you when you get too close to the garage and the blow up ghost that has fallen on me too many times to count. I guess the point of these decorations are to freak people out but I really don’t see the joy in that. Being scared is one of my least favorite activities which is just another reason Halloween is on the bottom of the holiday list for me. 

Well hopefully now you understand my perspective about this holiday. Halloween brings along a lot of my least favorite things. The only thing I really like about this holiday is all the candy so if you happen to get some dog treats in your Halloween stash yours truly would appreciate it if you gave them to her.

  • Blanche the Bulldog     

The dangers of outdoors

Where Road demons lurk!

Well hello fans, it is I the amazing Blanche the Bulldog and I’m here to tell you about the dangers of the outdoor world. Sure many people assume dogs love being outside but that’s the stupid ones. The smart ones like yours truly hate being outside for there are many dangers in that vastly unexplored place. Let me tell you about them.

The first reason the outside world is dangerous is because of roads and worse yet rode demons!. Sure many people call them cars or automobiles but if you’ve witnessed there true colors like me you would call them road demons too. One time I was on a nice walk with my humans alongside a busy road. I didn’t understand the threat of the outside world back then though for I was only a wee little pup. Anyway I turned my back to the road for a split second and the mother of all road demons called “Shudder” a BUS snuck up right behind me and blew it’s horrid horn as loud as it could! Even though I am the bravest dog out there even that scared me and I jumped straight up into the air! After that I was always very weary of busy roads because that’s where the giant, loud and the most terrifying of all road demons live.

One of the other reasons to avoid the outdoors is other dogs. Sure most dogs are fine but every once and a while you run into a crazy one! For instance one time I was out on a walk with Lady Charge (my favorite human in my pack) minding my own business when a giant slobbering nightmare of a dog lunged out of a car window and made a beeline right for me. Luckily Lady Charge kicked that beast and that slowed it down a little but it still tried to attack me! Fortunately the human of that nightmarish beast grabbed it and I didn’t get too hurt but you can understand how that would make me weary of the outdoors!  

The third and final reason to avoid the outdoors is because indoor life is SO, SO much better! Sure humans are dumb most of the time but they have created some pretty great things such as the heater witch keeps you warm, the air conditioner which keeps you cool and the couch that keeps you comfy! With all the comforts of indoor life there really is no reason to venture out into the dangerous and unpredictable outdoors. The only outdoor place I still go (without being forced) is my backyard. At least there I’m protected from road demons and crazed hounds! But seriously can’t humans use their big ugly heads to add air conditioning and couches to the outdoors!? Then I’d gladly go outdoors.

  • Blanche the Bulldog

Squirrel baffled by baffle!

A few years ago my humans decided to embrace their love of the backyard birds and put feeders all around the yard. Now I was quite happy with this because I quite enjoy birds for many reasons too. They are pretty, interesting to watch, and perhaps the best thing of all about them is how fun it is to chase them. For the first couple days it was very peaceful in the backyard. I lounged around watching the birds come and go (and chased a few too). But that was before the squirrels invaded.

They came charging forward, lunging onto the feeders and draining them in mere seconds! Every time I saw one of the beady-eyed vermins stuffing their faces at the feeder I bravely chased them away but I couldn’t be there every second. After all dogs need weekends too! Soon it was clear to the humans that they needed to invest in something other than an overwhelmingly beautiful bulldog to protect their yard from the fiendish squirrels.

So the big, male, puffy haired human ordered a squirrel baffle to stop the little jerks from eating all the seeds. Now let’s pause the story for a moment because it has come to my attention that most of you people have been wondering their whole lives why dogs hate squirrels. Well the answer is they are jerks! Take a moment and think of the person you hate most. Maybe it’s because they’re greedy and selfish and always act like you’re a stinky turd compared to them. Well that’s what squirrels are like except instead of it just being one person it’s a whole species! Anyway back to the story, the male puffy haired human installed the squirrel baffle and for the first few months it seemed to work. I would sit and laugh hysterically as they tried over and over every day to get past the squirrel baffle but they never could. That was until this spring when Mr. Nubby Tailed squirrel figured out how to get past the baffle.

At first I had no idea how the squirrels were getting up on the feeder. It infuriated me! Finally I caught a squirrel I call Mr. Nubby Tail (because he has a short tail) in action. Basically the little evil genius ran as fast as he could, jumped up, and used the baffle to trampoline himself onto the feeder! And of course just when I thought I didn’t have to deal with the evil squirrels anymore they had returned!

Over the course of the next week the humans have tried many things to prevent the squirrels from accessing the feeder. They have moved the feeder, they have moved the baffle up and down, but nothing has stopped the squirrels! Finally the male puffy haired human had had enough and he went online and bought a fancy feeder that closes when something over the weight of a bird (like an evil squirrel) is on it. The fancy feeder still hasn’t arrived but for now I enjoy watching the squirrels that still haven’t figured out how to get over the baffle and dreaming of rubbing it in the evil Mr. Stubby Tail’s face when the day comes that he’s prevented from getting to the feeders.

Why Dogs Hate Summer

How could anyone not love this well you’ll see

Summer, a season that lots of people look forward to. The days are warmer and longer, there is no school for the kids, or sometimes work for the grown ups, and tons of fun in the sun at the beach or pound. You may find it a surprise that I do not at all look forward to summer. You must be thinking that’s crazy! What are you talking about, summer is the best! Well I think you will come to understand why I do not take pleasure in summer once I explain myself. Summer for a dog like me is no fun at all.

The first reason I don’t like summer is in the day it can be very, very hot for a bulldog like me. Don’t get me wrong, being a bulldog is the best. We’re beautiful, intelligent, and did I mention beautiful? But being a bulldog in the summer is no walk in the park. Our faces are smushed so it is a lot harder for us to breathe in the first place, but add a 90-degree day to the picture and it’s nearly impossible! Also imagine putting on your heavy winter jacket and lying in the summer sun. Get the picture? Hot summer days are not exactly my idea of a fun day unless the kiddie pool is out in the backyard and I can splash around in it.

The second reason I despise summer is a simple word, “vacation”! Why don’t I like vacation, you ask. While it’s not that kind of vacation where you go to the beach or stay in a hotel and do something fun. The kind of vacation I’m talking about is SUMMER VACATION! Which means the two annoying kids in my family, Boy human — whom I call Food Face Screamer Boy; I call him this because, well he has a knack for getting food all over his face and he likes to scream — and Girl human — whom I call Hissy cat girl; I call her that because Food Face Screamer Boy often gets on her nerves and then she hisses at him; she will also do this to anyone in her family who did something to make her mad and then stomp up to her room; I call her “cat” because she doesn’t like to be with other humans that much, just like how cats are; being a social pack animal I don’t understand this much but whatever floats her boat I guess — are home all summer long to harass me! Thats around two whole months I have to deal with them hugging, kissing, and screaming random things in my ears. I shudder at just the thought!

Anyway, I always look forward to when Food Face Screamer Boy and Hissy Cat Girl going back to school in the fall. I have peace and quiet for a full six hours of the day. Ahhhhh. I can’t wait.  

The third reason I don’t like summer is that dogs, or any pets, are never allowed at all the fun places humans go to! Instead we are put in the kennel for a week while the humans get to go live it up in Disney World! Who says a dog wouldn’t enjoy a day in Epcot or a ride on Space Mountain! Seriously! No one ever even thought about making a special place where dogs could go to have summer fun like humans! For dogs, summer is just a hot time to stay at the kennel while their humans go on vacation!

Now do you see where I’m coming from!? Do you see why summer absolutely sucks for dogs!? The heat, the kids being home all day, the not ever getting to go somewhere fun or on vacation like the humans do! Summer for you might mean rollercoasters and ice cream and good times but if you ask me I’d gladly take a cold winter day with no kids around where I can peacefully lie on the window sill over the radiator and watch the snow fall.

Loretta and Blanche in dealing with and taking advantage of lowly roommates

In this very special smooshedface edition How to deal with and take advantage of your lowly roommates Blanche Bulldog and Loretta Bulldog team up to teach us about lowly roommates and how to take advantage of them.

Blanche: today Loretta and I are going to teach you about lowly roommates. First you need to establish which of your roommates are the lowly ones. For example, in my household my roommates include a fish, three hermit crabs and two budgies who are constantly making out in front of everyone. Ok guys, we get it, you love each other. Now please excuse us while we all barf from all the intensity of your romance. Those two definitely would be considered lowly in my book. Any animal that feels romance toward another is automatically lowly.

Loretta: that would definitely mean that Pug Brother is lowly. Did you see that story about his Valentine’s Day date with Stella? Blaaaaaa.

Blanche: Yes I did. I threw up 6 times. He is definitely lowly, not to mention a total loser. Anyway, back to my roommates, the hermit crabs are hard. I can’t really figure them out. Sometimes they’re fierce and brave, which would mean they are unlowly. But as soon as a human walks by they snap into their shells and being afraid of humans is definitely lowly.

Loretta: I would have to say Pug Brother is always afraid of our humans whenever he relieves himself on the carpet.

Blanche: that Pug Brother of yours seems very lowly.

Loretta: He is. In fact I tested him. He has no brain. One time my dad yelled at him from the second floor and he looked side to side instead of up.

Blanche: wow that’s very lowly.

Loretta: tell me about it.

Blanche: ok we have to focus back to my roommates. Ok where were we … oh, the fish. Surprisingly I find fish to be very wise. My good friend Lilly, who recently passed away (R.I.P Lilly by the way), has given me some great advice over the years. I don’t actually know what she looked like because she was on a high dresser so I could only ever hear her voice. Anyway the fish we have know, his name is Dwayne…

Loretta: Dwayne?

Blanche: yes Dwayne. He is only a baby fish so I would say he’s not that wise yet but he’s getting there.

Loretta: So he’s like half-lowly half-not?

Blanche: Exactly

Loretta: Ok my turn, baby! If you have another doggy roommate it is usually pretty straightforward in figuring out if they are lowly or not. The first question you should ask is “is my roommate a bulldog?” If they are they are automatically not lowly. When dealing with a roommate like this you have two choices. You can either make friends with them or make war. Most other dog breeds, you don’t have to worry about. You just have to show them who’s boss by sitting on their heads. But let’s talk about my doggy roommate. Racky is a pug and let me tell you pugs are the lowliest kind of dog on the earth. Heck pugs are the lowliest kind of animals in the world. And I have to live with the lowliest pug in the history of the universe. Racky, as you may know, has zero IQ at all. I mean, baby, what did you expect from a dog who eats his own poos? The only thoughts he has in his mind are “foooood!!!!! “And, “I like chicken.” If your dog roommate has any of these characteristics you are very lucky baby and will have lots of fun with them (or you will have lots of fun with them. Not so much them).

Blanche: I would really like to meet this Pug Brother of yours who eats turds. Prank time! Fun with a chicken leg on a string I’m thinking.

Loretta: Now that you have established which of your roommates are lowly and which are not, it’s time to have some fun baby. There are many wonderful ways to take advantage of lowly roommates. Lowly roommates are lowly so they are very easily manipulated. You just need to complete one more step: finding their weaknesses.

Blanche: let me guess, one of Racky’s is chicken.

Loretta: don’t spoil it ,Blanche! Now I can’t include this weakness of pug brothers  as an example because they already know!!

Blanche: Sorry.

Loretta: That’s ok baby just try not to spoil the Baby Girl’s wonderful advice in the future. Anyway I will now show you how I found some of Pug Brother’s weaknesses and then how I have used them for my own pleasure. The first thing you must do to find your lowly roommate’s weaknesses is to get your notebook and pen out and carefully watch they’re daily life.

Blanche: I thought we agreed we would have a fun part in this piece. Sitting around all day watching lowly life forms isn’t fun.

Loretta: It’s getting there baby, just let the Baby Girl get to it. Anyway take notes on everything your lowly roommate dose that could potentially be a weakness so that you can use it against him in the future. For example, Pug Brother’s schedule starts something like this. First, he gets up about an hour before anyone is actually planning to feed him and sits in front of his food dish and just repeats over and over “food, eat food, love food” like he’s hypnotised. Next, when he is fed by Mom he scarfs it all down in an instant like his mouth is a vacuum cleaner.

Blanche: Are you sure it isn’t?

Loretta: No, baby, maybe I should check that out. Anyway back to Pug Brother’s weaknesses. I think we already may have found a weakness actually. The intense love of food otherwise known as fatpugitis.

Blanche: how is this a weakness?

Loretta: Well, you see baby, there are many lovely ways to take advantage of a weakness like this and I of all bulldogs should know because the baby girl is the best but also…

Blanche: Hey I’m clearly the best!

Loretta: No, your not baby. Your just not.

Blanche: Prove it!

Loretta: Fine, name Pug Brother’s biggest weakness.

Blanche: Ok, this is too easy…. Um.. Is it, uh… is it chicken?

Loretta: Wrong! His biggest weakness is Stella.

Blanche: That girl pug in his Valentine’s story?

Loretta: Yes her, but just so you know chicken is his second biggest weakness.

Blanche: So I was close then!?

Loretta: Yes, you could say that baby.

Blanche: Yes!

Loretta: Anyway back to how I know how to take advantage of this weakness because I am the best ( and all of you know it now, thanks to Blanche).

Blanche: Hmmphh.

Loretta: Yes I am the best but also I live with a lowly roommate who is obsessed with food even when he’s asleep (once he accidently ate the carpet when he was having his bottomless bowl of chicken dream).

Blanche: That’s just sad. I’m sorry you have to live with such a lowly roommate.

Loretta: Me too baby, me too. Anyway there are many ways to take advantage of a roommate who has this weakness. Let me tell you baby by offering Racky food he will do whatever you say, so one thing you can do to take advantage of your lowly roommate is to trick them into doing something for you for food. Here are a few of the things I have bribed Pug Brother into doing for me for a bite of chicken. He has been my personal bodyguard by protecting me from baby attacks, taking the blame for the wet spot on the rug or anything broken, and peeing on the lawn mower so that the Baby Girl will not have to give up her bed of cool grass just yet.

Blanche: Boy, now I’m starting to wish I had a lowly dog servent.

Loretta: Well there are good parts there are also parts that really suck. Have you ever come to your bed after a long day looking forward to going to sleep and when you lie down your bed is damp? Then you look over and see Pug Brother lurking in the corner peeing on the clothes rack and you realize what you’ve just laid down in.

Banche: Ok, on second thought I don’t want to share my bed with a dog with a weak bladder.

Loretta: Yes baby you definitely don’t. Anyway After Pug Brother has eaten his meal (and waited around for another hour just incase by some miracle that this is the day that Lady starts giving second helpings on breakfast.) he sits in the middle of the living room floor pondering his future with Stella. His thoughts usually start off good and happy like where they would get married or if Stella would like to frolic in the waves with him at the beach. But then he starts to get all paranoid. He runs in circles around the room blabbing about how she probably doesn’t even like him and she would never be with him on account of his weak bladder…

Blanche: I certainly wouldn’t.

Loretta:  And what if she doesn’t want to frolic in the waves with him ever at all. I actually find this to be a very interesting and exciting way to start my morning. It’s like a romance drama movie happens every morning in my own home. Anyway, eventually Pug Brother wears himself out and falls asleep in the middle of the carpet ( or he passes out from dizziness from running around in circles. It’s hard to tell.)

Blanche: Oooo! Oooo! I know. His weakness here it’s Stella right!

Loretta: That is correct baby. Now if your lowly roommate is in love you are in luck baby there are many ways to take advantage of a lovesick roommate. One thing you can do is tell them whoever they are in love with would like them better if they change how they look or talk or even walk.

It can be whatever you like. For example, one time I told Pug Brother that girls go crazy for guys who sparkle. He let my put sequins and glitter all over him and cover his collar with fake rhinestone gems that the kids use for crafts sometimes. We covered Dads fancy hat in glitter as well and put it on him. He even let me put some moisturizer in his fur witch didn’t go exactly as planned so in the end he looked like a pug dipped in white goo wearing a fedora caught in a glitter explosion. That sure surprised Stella when mister sparkle monster greeted her at the door.

Blanche: Pug Brother has a very serious case of lovesickness if he would do whatever you say if it could impress Stella.

Loretta: Yes he has a very serious case baby, very, very serious indeed. Anyway, another way to take advantage of lovesickness is to do what I call the fake date trick. This is where you tell your lowly roommate that whoever they like is coming over for a date. Let’s use an example of me playing this prank on Pug Brother as an example, First I told him that Stella was coming over in an hour for a very special date they had planned a month ago (this part is vital to the prank so first your lowly roommate will think they are losing their mind that is if they even had one in the first place). Then I told him that Stella could’t wait for the seven course meal, and strolling violinist, and after dinner front row seats to a broadway play. This will be sure send your lowly roommate into a crazed panic attack that will be a very good show for you baby. While they run around trying to find a way to get a seven course meal, a strolling violinist and two front row seat tickets to a broadway show you can sit back and enjoy this reality of how dumb your roommate is (that I would personally take any day over a broadway play). Than five minutes before there date is supposed to arrive tell your lowly roommate that their true love had something come up and they had to cancel. When Pug Brother hears this he usually just collapses from exhaustion and falls asleep on the floor but sometimes he drags his way over to what he could scrape together of a seven course meal and eats it. Either way baby this a very entertaining prank to play on a lowly lovesick roommate and you should definitely give it a go.

Blanche: As you can see lowly roommates are a wonderful way to add some real life comedy to your life.

Loretta: You can play pranks on them, embarrass them in front of their true love and much much more. We hope you enjoyed this special edition of How to deal with and take advantage of your lowly roommates, we also hope you learned a lot to baby and will consider taking advantage of your lowly roommates too.