Smooshed Face

Well hello adoring fans. Blanche the most beautiful, intelligent and by far the best creature in existence has returned to tell you why dogs hate Halloween. It might come as a surprise to you that dogs hate Halloween. After all in your mind Halloween is the perfect holiday, the costume, the spooky decorations, lots and lots of candy. But let me open your eyes and hopefully you’ll understand what dogs have to deal with during this holiday.

The first reason dogs hate Halloween are the costumes and I’m not talking about the trick or treaters costumes even though they can be pretty disturbing and even confusing. I’m still under house arrest for attacking a kid who was dressed as a sausage but can you really blame me for that? I’m talking about the costumes you humans try to dress us up in. What is more humiliating than wearing a witch hat and skirt? Or a hamburger suit? Nothing that’s what! My personal experience with costumes might play into my hate for them though. When I was only a wee pup the girl human took me to a dog costume contest. Shudder, I still get the shivers thinking about this experience. Anyway I was paraded around in with Fourth of July amarican flag headbands on my head for what seemed like hours. (Speaking of my costume, can you get more uncreative? The girl human literally just dug around in the costume bin in the back room and then picked what looked “good” in her twisted mind and shoved me into it!) Anyway continuing on, the judges came around and inspected each of the costume. Of course the girl human lost because my costume was half broken and had nothing to do with Halloween. The girl human was pretty upset but I was just glad to get out of there. Honestly I’m glad the girl didn’t win because then she might have gotten the idea to put me into more embarrassing costumes and parade me around and believe me I don’t need that.   

Another reason dogs hate Halloween are the trick or treaters. I’m already perturbed by the doorbell and having it go off every five seconds with a new group of dressed up second graders on a sugar buzz is not helping my mental health. Also lets just take a moment to acknowledge that the whole concept of trick or treating isn’t at all accurate. I’ve been through lots of halloweens and the trick or treaters always get treats they never ever get tricked. I think you stupid humans should either change the name so it actully makes sense or take up the tricking part of this holiday, and I’d be happy to help because I’ve got a elecric doorbell, an exploding doormat and a complex laser system just lying around and I’m hoping I get to use them at some point, but at the rate this is going it’s probably never going to happen. 

The final reason dogs hate halloween are the decorations. I for one get extremely freaked out by new unexplained objects that find their way into my home. I scared myself half to death a few times when I’ve walked by one of the halloween decorations which is this creepy talking pumpkin that randomly turns on and cackles loud enough to break the sound barrier. There are lots of other decorations around that freak me out as well like the ghosts hanging from the trees, the spider that comes after you when you get too close to the garage and the blow up ghost that has fallen on me too many times to count. I guess the point of these decorations are to freak people out but I really don’t see the joy in that. Being scared is one of my least favorite activities which is just another reason Halloween is on the bottom of the holiday list for me. 

Well hopefully now you understand my perspective about this holiday. Halloween brings along a lot of my least favorite things. The only thing I really like about this holiday is all the candy so if you happen to get some dog treats in your Halloween stash yours truly would appreciate it if you gave them to her.

• Blanche the Bulldog