Invasion of the Unipug

The Unipug
The nasty invader

Earlier this morning right after Blanche the Bulldogs puppy humans had left for school Blanche headed up to her girl puppy human’s room to lie on her warm bed and watch her territory from above. Blanche is very serious about protecting her territory from invaders so when she entered her lookout room she was shocked to see an invader was not just in her territory but in her home. A stuffed pug with a strange unicorn horn and rainbow main was sitting on her soft wight chair.

Blanche had never encountered such a creature before so she didn’t attack it right away. She knew that it could possibly have some kind of defense mechanism that it would release if she tried to attack. Blanche knew that if she snuck up behind it the unipug would not be able to defend itself as well unless it had retractable spikes on its back. Blanche bravely snuck up behind the invader and prepared to make her attack.

She crouched waiting to make sure the unipug had not spotted her and then with great grace and accuracy she lunged at the unipug and sank her teeth into the back of it’s plush neck. Lucky for Blanche the unipug didn’t have retractable spikes on its back or for that matter any kind of defense at all. Blanche with the invader trotted downstairs to throw the unipug off her territory for good. But Blanches humans did not hear her whimpering at the door so she could banish the invader.

“As long as I had to wait I thought I might as well have some fun with the invader teach the nasty little creep a lesson.” Said Blanche the Bulldog when questioned. “So I gnawed on his legs as I waited for one of my humans to find me at the door.”

When Blanches humans did find her they were the opposite of pleased in fact they yelled at her for a good ten minutes. The worst of all they put the unipug the invader back in her fluffy white chair but out of her reach.  

“I will never understand humans.” Said Blanche the Bulldog. “Why would they punish you for trying to protect their territory from nasty little invaders like the unipug.”

The unipug continuous to sit on Blanches fluffy white chair just out of her reach. “I’ll get that little creature someday.” Said Blanche. “But for now I must be patient, that little invader has to come down one of these days.        

  

Why I Hate Walks

To many people it may come as a surprise that I don’t enjoy a nice relaxing walk with my humans. Most dogs love walks, and will jump around with excitement when they see their leash or even when someone says the word. Not me, when I see my harness I cower in the corner trying not to be seen. There are many reasons why I don’t like walks that I think you should consider yourself.

First, I do not particularly enjoy walks because my humans make me wear my Harness of Shame on them. (They put it on me when I’m being bad and then I have to go sit in the corner and be quite). When they put it on me for a walk I don’t think they are really trying to punish me but it sure comes across that way. When ever my humans are going to put on my Harness of Shame I always attempt to persuade them out of it by giving them my biggest, saddest, wateriest puppy dog eyes and putting my ears way back on my head but it never works.

Another reason that I hate walks is because cars trucks and other dogs are constantly spooking me. I have to be on high alert when I’m on a walk because I have learned that if I’m not a crazy pitbull will jump out of a car window and try to attack me. I don’t just have to look out for out of control mutts but also for cars and trucks. Once I was on a very busy road and I turned my back to it sniffing some grass or something but a bus snuck up behind me and honked right in my very sensitive ears! I jumped a foot in the air it scared me so bad! I have never turned my back to the street again in case any other cars or trucks try to sneak up on me.

The third and final reason I hate walks is because I’m never actually able to stop and sniff things because my humans are always telling me to “hurry up” and “they don’t have all day”. What humans don’t understand is that us dogs need our time when it comes to sniffing. There is so much to smell on walks and you pull us along not letting us stop and smell them at all. This is compleat torture to us dogs!

Do you know understand why I absolutely hate walks? I have to wear my Harness of Shame, have machines and animals constantly spooking me and on top of all that I never get to enjoy all the wonderful smells because my humans are always dragging me along. ( In fact, the only time I enjoyed a walk was when there were a bunch of acorns on the ground and I got to eat a them.)                         

 

Racky and the meaning of Babies

If you want to know all about babies I’m the pug to talk to. I know everything about babies because I have had to put up with not one but two of them! They pull your ears, rip your fur out, and grab your tail every time you walk by. They are intent on making my life as miserable as possible.(Just like sisters). The only things that got me through those dark times was the thought of them growing up and leaving, and chicken. I like chicken.

The babies that live in my house have many methods of making my life miserable. First they steal all the attention from me and my sister Loretta. Well that’s not true. Loretta still gets lots of attention from Man, but Lady is the one that gives me attention and she’s much too busy with the baby. Once they were both so busy that they forgot to let me outside, and I pooped in the kitchen.

Another way that the babies have made my life miserable is by messing up my sleep schedule. I need my rest or else I get oblivious to what’s going on around me, and Loretta can sneak up and sit on my head before I realize she’s there. The babies don’t seem to appreciate my personal problems though because they scream all through the night so I barely catch any z’s at all.

The worst thing yet about babies is that they don’t eat real food. They eat gross mushed up stuff that smells like dried fruit. Even I don’t want to eat that stuff when it drops on the floor and I’ll eat anything. (I eat it anyway though because if I do it insures I’ll make it to dinner without passing out from hunger).

As you can now see the meaning of babies is to steal all the attention from you, keep you up all night and drop food for you that probably isn’t even edible. Hopefully one day they’ll grow up and drop lot’s of chicken for me. I like chicken.

The Chicken Bone Run

The chicken bone that Blanche almost got to enjoy

It was a bright and sunny morning at Bethany Beach Delaware (Blanche the Bulldog’s humans favorite spot to vacation) and Blanche and her grown female human were taking a nice relaxing vacation walk.

They had just arrived home when Blanche smelled something in the air that made her nose tingle. Could it be? Yes it was the smell of chicken, and it was very close. Blanches grown female human (also known as Lady Charge) made the mistake of removing Blanches harness before they entered the house. (It was a mistake for the humans anyway not for Blanche). And Blanche smelling the wonderful aroma of chicken took off in search of it.

Blanche knew she must reach the source of the wonderful chicken sent before another dog or animal got to it so she ignored her humans cries of “Come back!” or “No” and continued her run in search of the chicken sent. The sent was very close now, Blanche put her nose to the ground and sniffed. She followed her nose until she found the source of the delicious aroma. A chicken bone with some meat still on it!

To Blanche this was a miracle, it wasn’t every day that she got so lucky. (Blanche’s humans didn’t feed her very much chicken because they think it will make her quite plump). Blanche snatched up the chicken bone but she couldn’t enjoy it yet, she had to make it past her humans who had surrounded her.

“I wasn’t going to let my humans ruin my day by taking my chicken bone.” Said Blanche when questioned. So I ran as fast as I could and dogged their grabbing hands every time they lunged.”

Blanches humans chased her around and around trying to grab her. (lucky for Blanche and her humans this event occurred on a dead end street so nobody got run over). They finally did manage to grab her by the collar and remove the bone from her mouth (but after many unsuccessful tries).  

“I hate collars. Said Blanche the bulldog. “If I didn’t have this stupid thing around my neck I would have gotten to enjoy my chicken bone.”

Blanches humans took her back inside and they remembered to only remove her harness once they were inside so that this sort of incident didn’t happen more than once. (Unfortunately for Blanche).    

 

       

                 

Showing Brother Who’s Boss

Pug brother doing his duty (being a pillow)

Do you have a very unintelligent, stinky, cross eyed sibling? Or at least one who needs showing who’s boss? Well if you do I feel your pain Baby. Lucky for you the Baby Girl is an expert on showing siblings who’s boss. In fact I have to do this to pug brother every day.

Pug brother is very easy to boss around because he doesn’t have very many thoughts of his own. (Or any very good ones anyway). The Baby Girl has a pretty good idea of what’s going on inside that pugs head. “I want to eat some of my own poop, I hope dinner is soon, I like chicken.” Anyway siblings are usually not that bright so you should start showing them who’s boss right away. There are many ways of doing this, pushing your sibling off the bed, taking his favorite bone, or my personal favorite sitting on his head for extended periods of time.

You should also keep in mind while bossing your sibling that they may try to stand up to you. Pug brother has only attempted this once or twice because when he did I made sure he understood that he doesn’t get a say by sitting on his head. I recommend that if your sibling tries to stand up for themselves as well you should try the Baby Girls technique. (It worked very well on pug brother, he hasn’t ever tried to defend himself again).

As you can now see showing your sibling who in charge isn’t as hard as it may seem if you follow the Baby Girls pointers, and very soon your sibling will know who’s the boss.            

 

The Keys to Territory

When it comes to territory there are many important keys to understanding it. It is very important to have territory when you are a dog so that other dogs and leser animals like squirrels and bunnies know that you are in charge in this area and they should stay out of your way. You should claim as much territory as you can because the more you have the more powerful you will be. You must not only claim territory but also protect what is already yours. You don’t want any intruders to invade so if you see any run them off immediately. When you have territory you must also know how to use it. There are many things you can do on your territory that you will see are quite great.

When claiming territory the most common way dogs do this is by spreading their urine on whatever they want to be theirs. They will often put messages in like “stay back” or “this is mine.” Although most people think that only male dogs mark that is not true at all. I have many times after another dog urinates on my territory gone right over and peed exactly on top of their spot to show that this is mine and not theirs. Most dogs leave small messages but I want to have others understand not to mess with me so I leave something more like this “stay back or I’ll send the vacuum cleaner after you.”

Protecting territory that is already yours is a very important because you do not want to lose it to invaders. If you are a brave and courageous bulldog like me you will most likely have no trouble at all protecting what is yours. But for those of you who don’t have as much experience here are a few pointers. First whenever you hear a sound that you are unsure of you should bark at it. This may drive your humans insane but what they don’t understand is that we’re protecting them from what could possibly be an invader by scaring it of with our terrifying barking. Humans are so strange. Second if you do spot an invader like a squirrel, bunny, or in the worst case the mail carrier, chase after them until they have left your territory (or in the mail carriers case bark and lunge at the door). Third and finally you should also patrol your territory daily to make sure there is no suspicious activity that you should know about. If you happen to stumble across some see above what to do.

There are many wonderful things that you can do on your territory that you can’t do anywhere else. For example since you are in charge here when your dog friends come to play they have to listen to what you say and if they don’t you can nip their ears until they do. You can also explore freely without worrying about other animals attacking you for invading. The only animals that don’t follow this rule are chipmunks. I hate those little guys! The most wonderful thing of all though is that you can use the bathroom wherever you like without getting threats from other dogs about using the bathroom on their lawn. (That’s why I never use the bathroom on walks).

As you can now see territory is a very important thing that all dogs should have. I hope you have learned about the keys to claiming and maintaining your territory. I also hope that if you see any chipmunks you will chase them off for me.      

Racky and the meaning of Laps

If you want to know all about laps I am the pug to talk to. I know everything about laps because they are one of my most favorite things in the whole world. They are not better than chicken though. I like chicken.

Laps are very comfy to lay on when you are tired after a long day of eating and waiting for food and more eating. My favorite persons lap to lay on is the Lady’s. Her lap is the best because Man is always getting up so I can never get comfy on his.

The best laps to lay on are the big ones because there is more room. I have tried laying on little laps like the small boy and girls but they are much too small for a pug like me. I have sat in many humans laps over the years and think of myself as an expert on determining which are more comfy and in my opinion bigger tends to be better when it comes to confort.

My sister Loretta knows that I love laps so that is how come she made it her mission to never let me have any lap time. Whenever I am snuggling with the Lady she jumps up on the couch pushes me aside and makes the Lady give her all of the atition. She also told me that if I snuggle with the Lady she will sit on my head for an hour as punishment. Sometimes when Loretta is not looking though the Lady lets me sit on her lap anyway.

As you can now see the meaning of laps are to be a warm, comfortable place for a pug like me to rest his head after a long day. Laps are one of the most wonderful things in the world if you ask me. But not as wonderful as chicken. I like chicken.    

 

Mourning Dove Snatch

Loretta’s victim (too dumb to be injured)

Yesterday afternoon at 3:15 pm Loretta the Bulldog and her humans were enjoying a peaceful afternoon outside in there screened tent. Everything was well until an unexpected even occurred. A mourning Dove (the stupidest of all birds witch is really saying something) flew right into the tent!

The biggest problem with most birds is that when they fly into something like a tent or a house they can figure out how to get in but they can never seem to find their way out again. In this case this is exactly what happened. The mourning dove blindly flew into the screened side of the tent over and over desperate to find a opening to escape out of. The humans fled the tent but Loretta bravely stayed behind trying to defend her humans from this very small brained bird.

Loretta watched the bird flying repeatedly into the screen and then decided to take action. She leapt up and snatched the bird right out of the air with her mouth. She bravely carried the bird out of the tent to show her humans she had it under control but they did not react exactly as she expected.

“When I showed them I had bravely taken care of the situation instead of praising their Baby Girl they instead started hollering and running around like they were on fire.” Said Loretta when questioned. “I will never understand humans.”

Loretta’s humans removed the mourning dove from her mouth and then spent the next hour making phone calls, running around and in Loretta’s small girl human case crying her eyes out. Loretta was not given any praise or rewards for being so brave witch she found very strange. The humans spent lots of time watching the still mourning dove on the ground. When it moved slightly they cheered and when it finally flew away they hugged one another and the small girl human started to cry again.

“Humans are so strange.” Said Loretta. “You never know how they are going to react.”The tent is now safe from anymore bird surprises thanks to Loretta’s brave efforts and the humans decision to close the tent doors.

       

                 

Ball Game, The Most Wonderful Thing Ever

Lots of people love to argue over which games are better but the answer is very clear baby! The best game in the world and also the only one that matters at all is Ball Game. Ball game is the Baby Girls favorite game in the whole world. Just the words ball game get me super exited. My Dad and I play it every day for 20 to 30 minutes but I could go on playing for six to eight hours, I could.

Ball game is very simple to play and also extremely fun as well. The way this wonderful game works is that my dad wheres his baseball glove and throws a tennis ball at the basement wall and when it bounces off I run after it. It may not sound like much but this is all the Baby Girl needs to have said she had an excellent day. I love this game so much that one time I had to use the facilities real bad but I was enjoying Ball Game so much I did right then and there as I was playing.

The only beings I know that appreciate Ball Game are myself and my dad. My Mom and Racky have no idea what they are missing out on. One time I did try to teach Racky the rules of Ball Game but that pug is so thick you couldn’t cut through to him with a chainsaw, and instead he decided he would rather go outside and eat his own poop as an activity.

Yes Ball game is the most wonderful game in the world. The Baby Girl will always love her Ball Game and she will cherish the wonderful moments she has had playing it. Everyone should love Ball Game including you baby, because it is clearly the only game in the world that matters!