Dear Loretta,
My brother sucks. Why does he exist?
Signed,
Sibling Hater
Dear Sibling Hater,
When I was very little I used to think just like you. I loathed every day I had to deal with my brother. When I first came home as a very little baby girl I thought my brother would be fun and playful and cool. I soon came to realize that he is many things (dumb, stinky, cross-eyed) but he is certainly not cool. For months I was despondent. I expressed my depression by pooing on the rug.
But then I had an epiphany. This isn’t unusual for me because I’m one of those special people who can have an epiphany anytime I want. I really can. But anyway, I had an epiphany — that I created for myself — that my brother shouldn’t be hated. He should be pitied. What you need to do is look down upon your siblings because, honestly, they’re lesser than you! See? Do you see how easy this is? Of course you do.
So start pitying and stop hating and everything will work out.
Oh, one last thing. If you’re bigger than your brother I suggest sitting on his head whenever possible. This does wonders for your attitude. It really does.
Signed,
Loretta the Baby Girl
