Dear Loretta,
My great-great-aunt, Loretta, was mayor of Bloomingburg, NY.
Would you ever consider a run for elected office?
Love,
The Grande Dame
Dear Grande Dame,
Before I begin, let me congratulate your family on having an esteemed member named Loretta. You’ve truly been blessed.
As for political aspirations … believe it or not, I get asked this question all the time. It’s because I’m a natural leader and people are drawn to me. It’s also because I’m gorgeous and everyone knows the world desperately needs attractive politicians.
I do have political aspirations and I do believe I could change the world into a Baby Girl’s Heaven on Earth. But there’s a problem.
You’ll have to give me a moment because anytime I think of this problem it makes the Baby Girl very sad.
Okay, I pushed my sadness deep down into my soul (you see what I do for people? I really am wonderful. I really am).
My “problem” is this: there are serious questions about my family history. I’ve attempted to trace my lineage, but my efforts have proved fruitless and frustrating. All I know is that I was supposedly born in Russia and then brought into the United States via Canada. Now, the Baby Girl has a photographic memory, but even I cannot remember things from my earliest days. And so here I am, wondering from whence I came.
But Loretta, you might ask, why oh why would it matter where you’re from?
Grande Dame, that is an excellent question. And I’ll answer it thusly: There are many unscrupulous and horrible people out there who would take my history and turn it against me. Perhaps they’d make claims that I’m a Communist or a member of the Russian Mafia or perhaps even a Russian Mafia Communist. Or, even worse, maybe they’d say that since I came through Canada I might be a Montreal Expos fan. That’s right. A Montreal Expos fan! Not only was the team horrible, but now the team doesn’t even exist!
These thoughts haunt me.
On a personal level, I have come to terms with my history. Fortunately, I am a dynamic figure and I have set about crafting my own history; a history that will fill in my family gaps and inspire the unwashed masses. Already it’s proving to be a history on par with the world’s most impressive figures: People like Alexander the Great, Winston Churchill and Kelly Clarkson.
But I fear the rest of the world will not be so forgiving. The last thing the Baby Girl needs are a bunch of opportunistic muckrakers fumbling around in my genealogical closet. I simply don’t have time for such nonsense.
Ultimately, the whole affair makes me very sad. Not because I am limited by my past. Rather, because the world will not be touched by my political genius. It’s a horrible thing. It really, really is.
Signed,
Loretta the Baby Girl Political Exile
