Dear Beautiful Loretta,
Recently there was a competition for a successor in the long line of Yale Mascots and Handsome Dan XVI was chosen. However, this correspondent believes that there is no better looking bulldog alive today than yourself, The Little Girl, the Handsome Loretta.
So, if you would like to present yourself as available for selection as the Yale Mascot, I can make this happen. I would be able to “disappear” the incumbent, and arrange for the elevation of Loretta to the position by acclamation. No politicking necessary!
White House soirees, Harvard-Yale football games, and many other opportunities will be in your future if you take me up on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Please say yes!! I beseech you not to disappoint the Old Blues!
Sincerely, Eli ’68
Dear Eli ’68,
While I am sympathetic to your cause (it’s true that I am the most fitting representative), you must certainly understand that given my lofty status as an esteemed public figure I cannot condone any sort of “disappearing” behavior.
Well, that’s not entirely true. Let me rephrase. I cannot publicly condone any sort of “disappearing” behavior. I gather that you are a savvy and intelligent person (you’re an “Ask Loretta” reader, after all) so I recommend that you use your powers of persuasion via “back channels.” You know what I mean, don’t you? Of course you do!
Incidentally, I’ve been monitoring this Handsome Dan business from afar and I must tell you that I am thoroughly disappointed with the process. Bulldogs should not be subjected to trivial popularity contests. Our popularity is IMPLIED. It’s a fact! It’s a universal truth! Yet the Yale committee has opted for a crass and crude system that sends prospective Handsome Dans through a series of “tests.” Oh yes, I read all about it. Strutting across fields … playing with children … attacking a Harvard flag! What is this? Who does this? Do kings prove themselves by playing silly games? Are dieties chosen by a phone-in vote? The answer, dear friends, is most certainly no.
And so I declare from this very moment that future Handsome Dans (and other high-ranking bulldogs) shall be chosen by one thing and one thing alone: BEAUTY. The most beautiful bulldog must always be the winner regardless of the contest. It’s really that simple. It really is.
All this talk has put me in a philosophical mood, and so I leave you with this haiku:
The sun will still rise.
Baby Girl loved by all ya’ll.
Pug brother smells bad.
Loretta the Mascot Activist
P.S. I’m sure this was an honest mistake on your part, but my Mom has asked me to note that I am neither the “little girl” nor “handsome.” What I am is the “Baby Girl” and “gorgeous.” Thank you.