Ask Loretta: The Trouble with Kitties

Dear Loretta,

What do you think of cats? And why can’t we (cats and dogs, that is) all
just get along? After all, our faces are sort of smooshed, too.

Yari and Kiki, Cats

Dear Yari and Kiki,

The Baby GirlI have often asked myself this very same question: Why can’t we all get along? But when you get right down to it, you have to admit that it’s really not a very interesting question, now is it? On a cosmic level, we can’t get along because we can’t get along. Sad, I know, but it’s a universal truth and the Baby Girl always pays heed to those universal truths.

But don’t cry! I have more to say about kitties!

I actually get along quite nicely with kitties. Alas, it is kitties who do not get along with me. Let me illustrate.

There are two kitties in my family: Bailey and Piper (I call her “Pippper” as a sign of affection, but she remains unmoved by my generosity). Bailey is slightly older and very wise, so whenever I go to visit my Grandparents (with whom both Bailey and Piper live), Bailey retreats to the basement so she can find comfort in her cat food and that weird poop box she uses.

Piper, on the other hand … oh she’s a feisty one! I first met Piper when she was very young — she was a Baby Girl Kitty! — and being such a wonderful person, I immediately took a liking to young Piper. But Piper was a hard nut to crack. She spent one Christmas trying to wack me on the nose! Who would do that? Why would you do such a thing? I was only trying to be sociable!

Unfortunately, Piper’s demeanor has worsened as she’s aged. When last we met, she had expanded her agressive repertoire. She alternated between hissing (HISSING! AT ME?!) and attempts at separating my gorgeous nose from my gorgeous face.

And so I retreated to my Dad’s lap so as not to let any evil befall my beautiful body parts.

But as I sat atop my perch, I wondered: Why is Piper so angry? Why must she be so confrontational? Is it nature? Is it nurture? Is it nature and nurture? What is the cause, Baby Girl?

Suddenly, I realized the problem. Piper was sad. She was sad because of her limited exposure to the Baby Girl’s sunny disposition and wise words! To her, the world was a place full of ugly creatures with stupid thoughts!

Realizing this, I spoke to Piper from my perch:

Dear Piper, now, now, do not despair. I understand your plight. To you, the world is a gray and boring place; a soul-crushing place where hope cannot be found. But Piper, I assure you, the world need not be so dark. Take my manicured and gorgeous paw and I will guide you through this forest of darkness so that we may frolic in the fields of joy!

And Piper responded: “MEOW.”

And that’s when I realized we had a much bigger problem. You see, the reason Piper and I could not get along — and the reason all dogs and all cats cannot get along — is because we’re simply not speaking the same language. As you’ve seen, my words and thoughts spill easily into the world, lighting the way for others. But Piper, and her kitty brethren, are limited to only two words: “Meow” and “Hiss.” There’s not much inspiration to be wrought from those two little words. There really isn’t.

So please understand, we dogs hold no ill will toward kitties. We simply can’t understand what they’re saying!

Loretta the Great Communicator

Author: Loretta

Loretta the Bulldog is one of the most wonderful Bulldogs in the world. Her owners love her dearly and they will treasure the memories she made for them always. Loretta started publishing on when she felt that more people needed to hear the voice of a bulldog with great advice. She has been publishing ever since trying to give readers her great advice. Loretta enjoys sitting on her brother Racky's head, boxes and dog treats. She sincerely hopes that you will enjoy!