In this very special smooshedface edition How to deal with and take advantage of your lowly roommates Blanche Bulldog and Loretta Bulldog team up to teach us about lowly roommates and how to take advantage of them.
Blanche: today Loretta and I are going to teach you about lowly roommates. First you need to establish which of your roommates are the lowly ones. For example, in my household my roommates include a fish, three hermit crabs and two budgies who are constantly making out in front of everyone. Ok guys, we get it, you love each other. Now please excuse us while we all barf from all the intensity of your romance. Those two definitely would be considered lowly in my book. Any animal that feels romance toward another is automatically lowly.
Loretta: that would definitely mean that Pug Brother is lowly. Did you see that story about his Valentine’s Day date with Stella? Blaaaaaa.
Blanche: Yes I did. I threw up 6 times. He is definitely lowly, not to mention a total loser. Anyway, back to my roommates, the hermit crabs are hard. I can’t really figure them out. Sometimes they’re fierce and brave, which would mean they are unlowly. But as soon as a human walks by they snap into their shells and being afraid of humans is definitely lowly.
Loretta: I would have to say Pug Brother is always afraid of our humans whenever he relieves himself on the carpet.
Blanche: that Pug Brother of yours seems very lowly.
Loretta: He is. In fact I tested him. He has no brain. One time my dad yelled at him from the second floor and he looked side to side instead of up.
Blanche: wow that’s very lowly.
Loretta: tell me about it.
Blanche: ok we have to focus back to my roommates. Ok where were we … oh, the fish. Surprisingly I find fish to be very wise. My good friend Lilly, who recently passed away (R.I.P Lilly by the way), has given me some great advice over the years. I don’t actually know what she looked like because she was on a high dresser so I could only ever hear her voice. Anyway the fish we have know, his name is Dwayne…
Blanche: yes Dwayne. He is only a baby fish so I would say he’s not that wise yet but he’s getting there.
Loretta: So he’s like half-lowly half-not?
Loretta: Ok my turn, baby! If you have another doggy roommate it is usually pretty straightforward in figuring out if they are lowly or not. The first question you should ask is “is my roommate a bulldog?” If they are they are automatically not lowly. When dealing with a roommate like this you have two choices. You can either make friends with them or make war. Most other dog breeds, you don’t have to worry about. You just have to show them who’s boss by sitting on their heads. But let’s talk about my doggy roommate. Racky is a pug and let me tell you pugs are the lowliest kind of dog on the earth. Heck pugs are the lowliest kind of animals in the world. And I have to live with the lowliest pug in the history of the universe. Racky, as you may know, has zero IQ at all. I mean, baby, what did you expect from a dog who eats his own poos? The only thoughts he has in his mind are “foooood!!!!! “And, “I like chicken.” If your dog roommate has any of these characteristics you are very lucky baby and will have lots of fun with them (or you will have lots of fun with them. Not so much them).
Blanche: I would really like to meet this Pug Brother of yours who eats turds. Prank time! Fun with a chicken leg on a string I’m thinking.
Loretta: Now that you have established which of your roommates are lowly and which are not, it’s time to have some fun baby. There are many wonderful ways to take advantage of lowly roommates. Lowly roommates are lowly so they are very easily manipulated. You just need to complete one more step: finding their weaknesses.
Blanche: let me guess, one of Racky’s is chicken.
Loretta: don’t spoil it ,Blanche! Now I can’t include this weakness of pug brothers as an example because they already know!!
Loretta: That’s ok baby just try not to spoil the Baby Girl’s wonderful advice in the future. Anyway I will now show you how I found some of Pug Brother’s weaknesses and then how I have used them for my own pleasure. The first thing you must do to find your lowly roommate’s weaknesses is to get your notebook and pen out and carefully watch they’re daily life.
Blanche: I thought we agreed we would have a fun part in this piece. Sitting around all day watching lowly life forms isn’t fun.
Loretta: It’s getting there baby, just let the Baby Girl get to it. Anyway take notes on everything your lowly roommate dose that could potentially be a weakness so that you can use it against him in the future. For example, Pug Brother’s schedule starts something like this. First, he gets up about an hour before anyone is actually planning to feed him and sits in front of his food dish and just repeats over and over “food, eat food, love food” like he’s hypnotised. Next, when he is fed by Mom he scarfs it all down in an instant like his mouth is a vacuum cleaner.
Blanche: Are you sure it isn’t?
Loretta: No, baby, maybe I should check that out. Anyway back to Pug Brother’s weaknesses. I think we already may have found a weakness actually. The intense love of food otherwise known as fatpugitis.
Blanche: how is this a weakness?
Loretta: Well, you see baby, there are many lovely ways to take advantage of a weakness like this and I of all bulldogs should know because the baby girl is the best but also…
Blanche: Hey I’m clearly the best!
Loretta: No, your not baby. Your just not.
Blanche: Prove it!
Loretta: Fine, name Pug Brother’s biggest weakness.
Blanche: Ok, this is too easy…. Um.. Is it, uh… is it chicken?
Loretta: Wrong! His biggest weakness is Stella.
Blanche: That girl pug in his Valentine’s story?
Loretta: Yes her, but just so you know chicken is his second biggest weakness.
Blanche: So I was close then!?
Loretta: Yes, you could say that baby.
Loretta: Anyway back to how I know how to take advantage of this weakness because I am the best ( and all of you know it now, thanks to Blanche).
Loretta: Yes I am the best but also I live with a lowly roommate who is obsessed with food even when he’s asleep (once he accidently ate the carpet when he was having his bottomless bowl of chicken dream).
Blanche: That’s just sad. I’m sorry you have to live with such a lowly roommate.
Loretta: Me too baby, me too. Anyway there are many ways to take advantage of a roommate who has this weakness. Let me tell you baby by offering Racky food he will do whatever you say, so one thing you can do to take advantage of your lowly roommate is to trick them into doing something for you for food. Here are a few of the things I have bribed Pug Brother into doing for me for a bite of chicken. He has been my personal bodyguard by protecting me from baby attacks, taking the blame for the wet spot on the rug or anything broken, and peeing on the lawn mower so that the Baby Girl will not have to give up her bed of cool grass just yet.
Blanche: Boy, now I’m starting to wish I had a lowly dog servent.
Loretta: Well there are good parts there are also parts that really suck. Have you ever come to your bed after a long day looking forward to going to sleep and when you lie down your bed is damp? Then you look over and see Pug Brother lurking in the corner peeing on the clothes rack and you realize what you’ve just laid down in.
Banche: Ok, on second thought I don’t want to share my bed with a dog with a weak bladder.
Loretta: Yes baby you definitely don’t. Anyway After Pug Brother has eaten his meal (and waited around for another hour just incase by some miracle that this is the day that Lady starts giving second helpings on breakfast.) he sits in the middle of the living room floor pondering his future with Stella. His thoughts usually start off good and happy like where they would get married or if Stella would like to frolic in the waves with him at the beach. But then he starts to get all paranoid. He runs in circles around the room blabbing about how she probably doesn’t even like him and she would never be with him on account of his weak bladder…
Blanche: I certainly wouldn’t.
Loretta: And what if she doesn’t want to frolic in the waves with him ever at all. I actually find this to be a very interesting and exciting way to start my morning. It’s like a romance drama movie happens every morning in my own home. Anyway, eventually Pug Brother wears himself out and falls asleep in the middle of the carpet ( or he passes out from dizziness from running around in circles. It’s hard to tell.)
Blanche: Oooo! Oooo! I know. His weakness here it’s Stella right!
Loretta: That is correct baby. Now if your lowly roommate is in love you are in luck baby there are many ways to take advantage of a lovesick roommate. One thing you can do is tell them whoever they are in love with would like them better if they change how they look or talk or even walk.
It can be whatever you like. For example, one time I told Pug Brother that girls go crazy for guys who sparkle. He let my put sequins and glitter all over him and cover his collar with fake rhinestone gems that the kids use for crafts sometimes. We covered Dads fancy hat in glitter as well and put it on him. He even let me put some moisturizer in his fur witch didn’t go exactly as planned so in the end he looked like a pug dipped in white goo wearing a fedora caught in a glitter explosion. That sure surprised Stella when mister sparkle monster greeted her at the door.
Blanche: Pug Brother has a very serious case of lovesickness if he would do whatever you say if it could impress Stella.
Loretta: Yes he has a very serious case baby, very, very serious indeed. Anyway, another way to take advantage of lovesickness is to do what I call the fake date trick. This is where you tell your lowly roommate that whoever they like is coming over for a date. Let’s use an example of me playing this prank on Pug Brother as an example, First I told him that Stella was coming over in an hour for a very special date they had planned a month ago (this part is vital to the prank so first your lowly roommate will think they are losing their mind that is if they even had one in the first place). Then I told him that Stella could’t wait for the seven course meal, and strolling violinist, and after dinner front row seats to a broadway play. This will be sure send your lowly roommate into a crazed panic attack that will be a very good show for you baby. While they run around trying to find a way to get a seven course meal, a strolling violinist and two front row seat tickets to a broadway show you can sit back and enjoy this reality of how dumb your roommate is (that I would personally take any day over a broadway play). Than five minutes before there date is supposed to arrive tell your lowly roommate that their true love had something come up and they had to cancel. When Pug Brother hears this he usually just collapses from exhaustion and falls asleep on the floor but sometimes he drags his way over to what he could scrape together of a seven course meal and eats it. Either way baby this a very entertaining prank to play on a lowly lovesick roommate and you should definitely give it a go.
Blanche: As you can see lowly roommates are a wonderful way to add some real life comedy to your life.
Loretta: You can play pranks on them, embarrass them in front of their true love and much much more. We hope you enjoyed this special edition of How to deal with and take advantage of your lowly roommates, we also hope you learned a lot to baby and will consider taking advantage of your lowly roommates too.
3 thoughts on “Loretta and Blanche in dealing with and taking advantage of lowly roommates”
I wonder if there is any art work inspired by the sparkly pug story? I for one would love to see it. Poor Racky. He is so lowly.
Love that Loretta, she has all of the answers!!
This is awesome! So creative! Loving the humor and think it’s a fantastic example of author’s voice; you’ve got that down as a writer! Did I mention how much I love how there are even phrases like “as you can see” ? Someone has been paying attention in writing workshop! 🙂 Keep up the great work! I look forward to reading more posts from the dogs.
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