Smooshed Face

In this very special smooshedface edition How to deal with and take advantage of your lowly roommates Blanche Bulldog and Loretta Bulldog team up to teach us about lowly roommates and how to take advantage of them.

Blanche: today Loretta and I are going to teach you about lowly roommates. First you need to establish which of your roommates are the lowly ones. For example, in my household my roommates include a fish, three hermit crabs and two budgies who are constantly making out in front of everyone. Ok guys, we get it, you love each other. Now please excuse us while we all barf from all the intensity of your romance. Those two definitely would be considered lowly in my book. Any animal that feels romance toward another is automatically lowly.

Loretta: that would definitely mean that Pug Brother is lowly. Did you see that story about his Valentine’s Day date with Stella? Blaaaaaa.

Blanche: Yes I did. I threw up 6 times. He is definitely lowly, not to mention a total loser. Anyway, back to my roommates, the hermit crabs are hard. I can’t really figure them out. Sometimes they’re fierce and brave, which would mean they are unlowly. But as soon as a human walks by they snap into their shells and being afraid of humans is definitely lowly.

Loretta: I would have to say Pug Brother is always afraid of our humans whenever he relieves himself on the carpet.

Blanche: that Pug Brother of yours seems very lowly.

Loretta: He is. In fact I tested him. He has no brain. One time my dad yelled at him from the second floor and he looked side to side instead of up.

Blanche: wow that’s very lowly.

Loretta: tell me about it.

Blanche: ok we have to focus back to my roommates. Ok where were we … oh, the fish. Surprisingly I find fish to be very wise. My good friend Lilly, who recently passed away (R.I.P Lilly by the way), has given me some great advice over the years. I don’t actually know what she looked like because she was on a high dresser so I could only ever hear her voice. Anyway the fish we have know, his name is Dwayne…

Loretta: Dwayne?

Blanche: yes Dwayne. He is only a baby fish so I would say he’s not that wise yet but he’s getting there.

Loretta: So he’s like half-lowly half-not?

Blanche: Exactly

Loretta: Ok my turn, baby! If you have another doggy roommate it is usually pretty straightforward in figuring out if they are lowly or not. The first question you should ask is “is my roommate a bulldog?” If they are they are automatically not lowly. When dealing with a roommate like this you have two choices. You can either make friends with them or make war. Most other dog breeds, you don’t have to worry about. You just have to show them who’s boss by sitting on their heads. But let’s talk about my doggy roommate. Racky is a pug and let me tell you pugs are the lowliest kind of dog on the earth. Heck pugs are the lowliest kind of animals in the world. And I have to live with the lowliest pug in the history of the universe. Racky, as you may know, has zero IQ at all. I mean, baby, what did you expect from a dog who eats his own poos? The only thoughts he has in his mind are “foooood!!!!! “And, “I like chicken.” If your dog roommate has any of these characteristics you are very lucky baby and will have lots of fun with them (or you will have lots of fun with them. Not so much them).

Blanche: I would really like to meet this Pug Brother of yours who eats turds. Prank time! Fun with a chicken leg on a string I’m thinking.

Loretta: Now that you have established which of your roommates are lowly and which are not, it’s time to have some fun baby. There are many wonderful ways to take advantage of lowly roommates. Lowly roommates are lowly so they are very easily manipulated. You just need to complete one more step: finding their weaknesses.

Blanche: let me guess, one of Racky’s is chicken.

Loretta: don’t spoil it ,Blanche! Now I can’t include this weakness of pug brothers  as an example because they already know!!

Blanche: Sorry.

Loretta: That’s ok baby just try not to spoil the Baby Girl’s wonderful advice in the future. Anyway I will now show you how I found some of Pug Brother’s weaknesses and then how I have used them for my own pleasure. The first thing you must do to find your lowly roommate’s weaknesses is to get your notebook and pen out and carefully watch they’re daily life.

Blanche: I thought we agreed we would have a fun part in this piece. Sitting around all day watching lowly life forms isn’t fun.

Loretta: It’s getting there baby, just let the Baby Girl get to it. Anyway take notes on everything your lowly roommate dose that could potentially be a weakness so that you can use it against him in the future. For example, Pug Brother’s schedule starts something like this. First, he gets up about an hour before anyone is actually planning to feed him and sits in front of his food dish and just repeats over and over “food, eat food, love food” like he’s hypnotised. Next, when he is fed by Mom he scarfs it all down in an instant like his mouth is a vacuum cleaner.

Blanche: Are you sure it isn’t?

Loretta: No, baby, maybe I should check that out. Anyway back to Pug Brother’s weaknesses. I think we already may have found a weakness actually. The intense love of food otherwise known as fatpugitis.

Blanche: how is this a weakness?

Loretta: Well, you see baby, there are many lovely ways to take advantage of a weakness like this and I of all bulldogs should know because the baby girl is the best but also…

Blanche: Hey I’m clearly the best!

Loretta: No, your not baby. Your just not.

Blanche: Prove it!

Loretta: Fine, name Pug Brother’s biggest weakness.

Blanche: Ok, this is too easy…. Um.. Is it, uh… is it chicken?

Loretta: Wrong! His biggest weakness is Stella.

Blanche: That girl pug in his Valentine’s story?

Loretta: Yes her, but just so you know chicken is his second biggest weakness.

Blanche: So I was close then!?

Loretta: Yes, you could say that baby.

Blanche: Yes!

Loretta: Anyway back to how I know how to take advantage of this weakness because I am the best ( and all of you know it now, thanks to Blanche).

Blanche: Hmmphh.

Loretta: Yes I am the best but also I live with a lowly roommate who is obsessed with food even when he’s asleep (once he accidently ate the carpet when he was having his bottomless bowl of chicken dream).

Blanche: That’s just sad. I’m sorry you have to live with such a lowly roommate.

Loretta: Me too baby, me too. Anyway there are many ways to take advantage of a roommate who has this weakness. Let me tell you baby by offering Racky food he will do whatever you say, so one thing you can do to take advantage of your lowly roommate is to trick them into doing something for you for food. Here are a few of the things I have bribed Pug Brother into doing for me for a bite of chicken. He has been my personal bodyguard by protecting me from baby attacks, taking the blame for the wet spot on the rug or anything broken, and peeing on the lawn mower so that the Baby Girl will not have to give up her bed of cool grass just yet.

Blanche: Boy, now I’m starting to wish I had a lowly dog servent.

Loretta: Well there are good parts there are also parts that really suck. Have you ever come to your bed after a long day looking forward to going to sleep and when you lie down your bed is damp? Then you look over and see Pug Brother lurking in the corner peeing on the clothes rack and you realize what you’ve just laid down in.

Banche: Ok, on second thought I don’t want to share my bed with a dog with a weak bladder.

Loretta: Yes baby you definitely don’t. Anyway After Pug Brother has eaten his meal (and waited around for another hour just incase by some miracle that this is the day that Lady starts giving second helpings on breakfast.) he sits in the middle of the living room floor pondering his future with Stella. His thoughts usually start off good and happy like where they would get married or if Stella would like to frolic in the waves with him at the beach. But then he starts to get all paranoid. He runs in circles around the room blabbing about how she probably doesn’t even like him and she would never be with him on account of his weak bladder…

Blanche: I certainly wouldn’t.

Loretta:  And what if she doesn’t want to frolic in the waves with him ever at all. I actually find this to be a very interesting and exciting way to start my morning. It’s like a romance drama movie happens every morning in my own home. Anyway, eventually Pug Brother wears himself out and falls asleep in the middle of the carpet ( or he passes out from dizziness from running around in circles. It’s hard to tell.)

Blanche: Oooo! Oooo! I know. His weakness here it’s Stella right!

Loretta: That is correct baby. Now if your lowly roommate is in love you are in luck baby there are many ways to take advantage of a lovesick roommate. One thing you can do is tell them whoever they are in love with would like them better if they change how they look or talk or even walk.

It can be whatever you like. For example, one time I told Pug Brother that girls go crazy for guys who sparkle. He let my put sequins and glitter all over him and cover his collar with fake rhinestone gems that the kids use for crafts sometimes. We covered Dads fancy hat in glitter as well and put it on him. He even let me put some moisturizer in his fur witch didn’t go exactly as planned so in the end he looked like a pug dipped in white goo wearing a fedora caught in a glitter explosion. That sure surprised Stella when mister sparkle monster greeted her at the door.

Blanche: Pug Brother has a very serious case of lovesickness if he would do whatever you say if it could impress Stella.

Loretta: Yes he has a very serious case baby, very, very serious indeed. Anyway, another way to take advantage of lovesickness is to do what I call the fake date trick. This is where you tell your lowly roommate that whoever they like is coming over for a date. Let’s use an example of me playing this prank on Pug Brother as an example, First I told him that Stella was coming over in an hour for a very special date they had planned a month ago (this part is vital to the prank so first your lowly roommate will think they are losing their mind that is if they even had one in the first place). Then I told him that Stella could’t wait for the seven course meal, and strolling violinist, and after dinner front row seats to a broadway play. This will be sure send your lowly roommate into a crazed panic attack that will be a very good show for you baby. While they run around trying to find a way to get a seven course meal, a strolling violinist and two front row seat tickets to a broadway show you can sit back and enjoy this reality of how dumb your roommate is (that I would personally take any day over a broadway play). Than five minutes before there date is supposed to arrive tell your lowly roommate that their true love had something come up and they had to cancel. When Pug Brother hears this he usually just collapses from exhaustion and falls asleep on the floor but sometimes he drags his way over to what he could scrape together of a seven course meal and eats it. Either way baby this a very entertaining prank to play on a lowly lovesick roommate and you should definitely give it a go.

Blanche: As you can see lowly roommates are a wonderful way to add some real life comedy to your life.

Loretta: You can play pranks on them, embarrass them in front of their true love and much much more. We hope you enjoyed this special edition of How to deal with and take advantage of your lowly roommates, we also hope you learned a lot to baby and will consider taking advantage of your lowly roommates too.

If you want to know all about the beach then I am the pug to talk to. I know everything about the beach because I have gone there so many times over the years  with Lady and Man. Many people have asked me what the meaning of the beach is and it is very clear it is a place for dogs and humans to have a good time both in the big blue and on the sand.

On of my many favorite things to do on the beach is run really fast up and down the sand. I run and run and run and then I turn around and run and run and run back to Lady and Man. If I run to far I will not be able to find them and then I will never get to have chicken again. I like chicken. One time I did run to far but them Lady and Man chased after me before I could be lost and never have chicken again. I like chicken.

On of my other favorite things to do at the beach is splash around in the surf. I always stay very close to the shore though because of no chicken that’s why. I am also not very good at the doggy paddle and that did not end well for me once because I frolicked to far out and all of the sudden me paws were not touching the sand anymore they were touching nothing. I thrashed and thrashed trying to get Lady and Mans attention but with no luck. My head went under but luckily I saw a orange thing through the murk of the water where I could put my paws and not drown. I pumped my legs with all my might and my front quarters flew on to the orange thing. Unfortunately there was a kid on that thing and he screamed and ran off to the shore leaving me stranded. The good news was by then Lady and Man had spotted me and Lady had to dive in the water with her close on to rescue me. Since then I have only frolicked in the very edge of the waves so that I never get stranded again.

Sometimes my sister Loretta even comes to the beach with me to enjoy some romping in the sand and frolicking in the waves. Loretta and I have so much fun together on the beach and spend quality brother sister time with one another. One time we even raided a picnic. I snuck up and plucked a slice of ham and some corn on the cob. I even took a bite of chicken. I like chicken. Then I brought the stolen treats back to Loretta and she thanked me by sitting on my head while she eat her ham slice and corn on the cob. I love Loretta. But I love chicken even more.

As you can see the beach is on of the best ways to spend your day at. You can romp in the sand, frolic in the waves and spend one on one time with your family. Sometimes you can even steal chicken from a picnic. I like chicken.   

                     

 

Are you forced everyday of your life to share your home, humans and sometimes even your bed with annoying and obnoxious little kids? If you do I’m sure you know that it makes your life absolutely miserable but I have some good news for you baby. If you follow my helpful tips those little pests will always respect you and your property.

The first tip is to not let the enemy invade your territory. In order to do this there are a few simple tricks you can use. There’s the simple yet effective growl and show your teeth when baby gets to close, there’s the toy bin mysteriously falls and traps little Timmy underneath, or my personal favorite the room clearing gas bomb. Baby will not stick around long after she smells that.

When trying to escape from little kids there are a few tricks you can use. There’s the retreat to place baby or toddler can’t get you like the scary basement stairs, the thick backyard bush, or the too high bed. You can also accidently trap baby behind the door, under the randomly falling laundry basket or up on the chair they can get up on but not down. My favorite by far is throw the stupidest of your roommates, for example pug brother under the bus and while baby is distracted by pulling his ears flee for safety.

Now that you’ve learned how to keep baby away and how to escape it’s time to have some fun. To deal with a little kid you should also give them a taste of their own medicine. For example, you can tease baby by holding, again your stupidest room mate’s tail just out of pulling range of baby. This is sure to cause a lot of frustration for baby and laughs for you. But it is important to never use your own tail incase babys had a growth spurt and you haven’t noticed, or he learned to fly. You can also annoy baby by whenever your grown humans aren’t looking, jumping up and stealing her meatballs of the highchair tray. But you have to be cautious because of what happened to pug brother once. Mama turned around and pea brain pug was still licking meatball juice of babys tray. That didn’t end well for pug brother.

As you can see baby there are many ways to deal with annoying and obnoxious kids. Keep in mind the Baby Girls tips when dealing with your little nuisance. That is unless you want to become like pug brother, the living Doggy playground.       

            

 

        

Earlier this morning, at 9:15 a.m, Blanche the Bulldog was going to her girl- puppy- human’s room to enjoy her early morning sunbathing ritual on her puppy-human’s bed. When she entered her sunbathing room, she was in for a nasty surprise. Two birds had broken into her room and were taking over the place!

Blanche bravely assessed the situation of the bird break in. From the start, Blanche had many questions, but her biggest was, “How the heck did they get in here? I have only ever seen birds outside my home.” Said Blanche the Bulldog, “And I have never seen birds quite like this before, so I knew I must be careful, in case they had some kind of evil plan.”

For weeks Blanche had been noticing odd objects appearing in her girl-puppy-human’s room. First, they were small, like a wooden ladder, but then, bigger things started popping up and when a cage appeared on the dresser, Blanche knew that she should prepare for herself, but she never suspected two birds!

Blanche bravely leapt onto her sunbathing bed and watched the two bird intruders. “They were showing of their colorful feathers and making little chirps at me. What show offs!” said Blanche the Bulldog.

“I was about to take matters into my own paws and banish the two squawking show offs  when my girl-puppy-human came into my sunbathing room and shooed me right out the door!” said Blanche the Bulldog. Blanche waited patiently by the door so that she could get rid of the two break in birds but her girl-puppy-human never let her get a chance, she even closed her door so that no one could get in and banish the birds.

“Humans are so strange,” said Blanche. “Whenever you try to do something for them, they never let you get the chance.”

The two birds are still hidden behind the door but Blanche will continue to try to find a way to banish the squawking menaces so that her sunbathing room will be peaceful once again.               

 

If you want to know all about Valentine’s Day I’m the pug to talk to. I know everything there is to know about Valentine’s Day. Many people have asked me what the meaning of Valentine’s Day is. Is it when you get stung by the bee that you didn’t know was in the flower you picked for your date? Yes, kind of. Is it when you accidentally poo in your true love’s water dish thinking it was a toilet? Yes, partly. Is it when you attack the TV in front of your date when you think there’s a lion in there and you try to protect her but instead you give yourself a minor concussion?  Unfortunately, yes. Valentine’s Day is a day to be with your true love but it is also a day to make a complete fool of yourself in front of your date. But I had to learn that the hard way.

For Valentine’s Day I knew exactly who I wanted to ask out. She’s the most beautiful, wonderful pug I have ever met. She has the softest black hair and the cutest curly tail. Her name is Stella and I have always wanted to ask her out for Valentine’s Day but only this year I finally had the courage to confront her. And by some miracle she said yes! Stella is the most perfect pug in the world (her only flaw is that she’s best friends with Loretta) so I wanted this to be a perfect night for us. I picked her a bouquet of hosta flowers, dandelions, and weeds I stole a chicken wing out of the refrigerator for us to share. I like chicken. And I even made her a necklace of dog treat hearts (but I ate half of it by the time she arrived.)

When Stella came prancing in the front door she was even more beautiful then I remembered. She had a rose tucked behind her ear and her collar had little hearts embroidered on it. Best of all she smelled like chicken. I like chicken. We said hello by sniffing rears and then I presented to her the dog treat heart necklace and the bouquet of flowers I had picked. As I pawed her the flowers a bee flew out and headed straight for my face. It turned its pointy backside at my delicate nose and began stinging it! I whimpered and hopped around from the pain. Stella finally killed the bee with her rawhide bone and then removed it painfully from my nose. What a girl!

After I had presented Stella with the necklace and flowers we went to the kitchen to enjoy the chicken wing I had snatched from the refrigerator. We split it in half and I swallowed it on one gulp. Stella on the other paw took teeny bites of her chicken. I waited and waited for her to finish and I started to feel the need to use the bathroom. I didn’t want to be rude and leave without her finishing so I tried to hold it but very soon it was clear it needed to come out. I jumped up and ran to the back door whimpering for my humans to let me out but they must have had Valentines plans of their own because they weren’t coming. I rushed around the house desperately looking for a place to relieve myself. Finally I found a toilet. I don’t usually use them (they are for the humans) but I don’t think my humans would have been pleased if I just went on the floor. After I had finished I turned around trying to find my way back to the kitchen. Stella would probably be wondering where I had gone. I was in for a terrible surprise though when I turned around. Stella was standing right there! She had watched me poop! But why was she in the bathroom? That’s when I made an even worse discovery. I looked down and realized that I had just pooped in Stella’s water bowl! I would have turned fire-hydrant red if dogs could blush.

After the water bowl toilet incident Stella and I went to watch a romantic nature show on TV. Everything was going fine I hadn’t done anything embarrassing for 10 minutes and Stella’s cute little paw was resting on top of mine. That’s when I saw the lion on TV. It roared loudly and came running toward us. I warned Stella to stand back and that I would take care of this. Then I charged bravely at the TV. Well I thought I looked brave. What I actually ended up looking like was a dumb pug running into a TV. After I had collided with the TV my head was spinning so much I had to lie on the floor for five minutes before I could stand upright. After that Stella changed the channel so I wouldn’t suffer any more concussions that evening.  

When It was time for Stella to go home I walked her to the front door and said goodbye, disappointed the Valentine’s date hasn’t been all that perfect. But what Stella did next made up for all the disasters that had happened that night. She licked me! Right on the nose where the bee stung me, then with that cute smile she does she headed out the door. After that I fainted from love and when my owners got home they thought I was dead, but that was still one of the best nights of my life.