The dangers of outdoors

Where Road demons lurk!

Well hello fans, it is I the amazing Blanche the Bulldog and I’m here to tell you about the dangers of the outdoor world. Sure many people assume dogs love being outside but that’s the stupid ones. The smart ones like yours truly hate being outside for there are many dangers in that vastly unexplored place. Let me tell you about them.

The first reason the outside world is dangerous is because of roads and worse yet rode demons!. Sure many people call them cars or automobiles but if you’ve witnessed there true colors like me you would call them road demons too. One time I was on a nice walk with my humans alongside a busy road. I didn’t understand the threat of the outside world back then though for I was only a wee little pup. Anyway I turned my back to the road for a split second and the mother of all road demons called “Shudder” a BUS snuck up right behind me and blew it’s horrid horn as loud as it could! Even though I am the bravest dog out there even that scared me and I jumped straight up into the air! After that I was always very weary of busy roads because that’s where the giant, loud and the most terrifying of all road demons live.

One of the other reasons to avoid the outdoors is other dogs. Sure most dogs are fine but every once and a while you run into a crazy one! For instance one time I was out on a walk with Lady Charge (my favorite human in my pack) minding my own business when a giant slobbering nightmare of a dog lunged out of a car window and made a beeline right for me. Luckily Lady Charge kicked that beast and that slowed it down a little but it still tried to attack me! Fortunately the human of that nightmarish beast grabbed it and I didn’t get too hurt but you can understand how that would make me weary of the outdoors!  

The third and final reason to avoid the outdoors is because indoor life is SO, SO much better! Sure humans are dumb most of the time but they have created some pretty great things such as the heater witch keeps you warm, the air conditioner which keeps you cool and the couch that keeps you comfy! With all the comforts of indoor life there really is no reason to venture out into the dangerous and unpredictable outdoors. The only outdoor place I still go (without being forced) is my backyard. At least there I’m protected from road demons and crazed hounds! But seriously can’t humans use their big ugly heads to add air conditioning and couches to the outdoors!? Then I’d gladly go outdoors.

  • Blanche the Bulldog

Squirrel baffled by baffle!

A few years ago my humans decided to embrace their love of the backyard birds and put feeders all around the yard. Now I was quite happy with this because I quite enjoy birds for many reasons too. They are pretty, interesting to watch, and perhaps the best thing of all about them is how fun it is to chase them. For the first couple days it was very peaceful in the backyard. I lounged around watching the birds come and go (and chased a few too). But that was before the squirrels invaded.

They came charging forward, lunging onto the feeders and draining them in mere seconds! Every time I saw one of the beady-eyed vermins stuffing their faces at the feeder I bravely chased them away but I couldn’t be there every second. After all dogs need weekends too! Soon it was clear to the humans that they needed to invest in something other than an overwhelmingly beautiful bulldog to protect their yard from the fiendish squirrels.

So the big, male, puffy haired human ordered a squirrel baffle to stop the little jerks from eating all the seeds. Now let’s pause the story for a moment because it has come to my attention that most of you people have been wondering their whole lives why dogs hate squirrels. Well the answer is they are jerks! Take a moment and think of the person you hate most. Maybe it’s because they’re greedy and selfish and always act like you’re a stinky turd compared to them. Well that’s what squirrels are like except instead of it just being one person it’s a whole species! Anyway back to the story, the male puffy haired human installed the squirrel baffle and for the first few months it seemed to work. I would sit and laugh hysterically as they tried over and over every day to get past the squirrel baffle but they never could. That was until this spring when Mr. Nubby Tailed squirrel figured out how to get past the baffle.

At first I had no idea how the squirrels were getting up on the feeder. It infuriated me! Finally I caught a squirrel I call Mr. Nubby Tail (because he has a short tail) in action. Basically the little evil genius ran as fast as he could, jumped up, and used the baffle to trampoline himself onto the feeder! And of course just when I thought I didn’t have to deal with the evil squirrels anymore they had returned!

Over the course of the next week the humans have tried many things to prevent the squirrels from accessing the feeder. They have moved the feeder, they have moved the baffle up and down, but nothing has stopped the squirrels! Finally the male puffy haired human had had enough and he went online and bought a fancy feeder that closes when something over the weight of a bird (like an evil squirrel) is on it. The fancy feeder still hasn’t arrived but for now I enjoy watching the squirrels that still haven’t figured out how to get over the baffle and dreaming of rubbing it in the evil Mr. Stubby Tail’s face when the day comes that he’s prevented from getting to the feeders.

Why Dogs Hate Summer

How could anyone not love this well you’ll see

Summer, a season that lots of people look forward to. The days are warmer and longer, there is no school for the kids, or sometimes work for the grown ups, and tons of fun in the sun at the beach or pound. You may find it a surprise that I do not at all look forward to summer. You must be thinking that’s crazy! What are you talking about, summer is the best! Well I think you will come to understand why I do not take pleasure in summer once I explain myself. Summer for a dog like me is no fun at all.

The first reason I don’t like summer is in the day it can be very, very hot for a bulldog like me. Don’t get me wrong, being a bulldog is the best. We’re beautiful, intelligent, and did I mention beautiful? But being a bulldog in the summer is no walk in the park. Our faces are smushed so it is a lot harder for us to breathe in the first place, but add a 90-degree day to the picture and it’s nearly impossible! Also imagine putting on your heavy winter jacket and lying in the summer sun. Get the picture? Hot summer days are not exactly my idea of a fun day unless the kiddie pool is out in the backyard and I can splash around in it.

The second reason I despise summer is a simple word, “vacation”! Why don’t I like vacation, you ask. While it’s not that kind of vacation where you go to the beach or stay in a hotel and do something fun. The kind of vacation I’m talking about is SUMMER VACATION! Which means the two annoying kids in my family, Boy human — whom I call Food Face Screamer Boy; I call him this because, well he has a knack for getting food all over his face and he likes to scream — and Girl human — whom I call Hissy cat girl; I call her that because Food Face Screamer Boy often gets on her nerves and then she hisses at him; she will also do this to anyone in her family who did something to make her mad and then stomp up to her room; I call her “cat” because she doesn’t like to be with other humans that much, just like how cats are; being a social pack animal I don’t understand this much but whatever floats her boat I guess — are home all summer long to harass me! Thats around two whole months I have to deal with them hugging, kissing, and screaming random things in my ears. I shudder at just the thought!

Anyway, I always look forward to when Food Face Screamer Boy and Hissy Cat Girl going back to school in the fall. I have peace and quiet for a full six hours of the day. Ahhhhh. I can’t wait.  

The third reason I don’t like summer is that dogs, or any pets, are never allowed at all the fun places humans go to! Instead we are put in the kennel for a week while the humans get to go live it up in Disney World! Who says a dog wouldn’t enjoy a day in Epcot or a ride on Space Mountain! Seriously! No one ever even thought about making a special place where dogs could go to have summer fun like humans! For dogs, summer is just a hot time to stay at the kennel while their humans go on vacation!

Now do you see where I’m coming from!? Do you see why summer absolutely sucks for dogs!? The heat, the kids being home all day, the not ever getting to go somewhere fun or on vacation like the humans do! Summer for you might mean rollercoasters and ice cream and good times but if you ask me I’d gladly take a cold winter day with no kids around where I can peacefully lie on the window sill over the radiator and watch the snow fall.

Loretta and Blanche in dealing with and taking advantage of lowly roommates

In this very special smooshedface edition How to deal with and take advantage of your lowly roommates Blanche Bulldog and Loretta Bulldog team up to teach us about lowly roommates and how to take advantage of them.

Blanche: today Loretta and I are going to teach you about lowly roommates. First you need to establish which of your roommates are the lowly ones. For example, in my household my roommates include a fish, three hermit crabs and two budgies who are constantly making out in front of everyone. Ok guys, we get it, you love each other. Now please excuse us while we all barf from all the intensity of your romance. Those two definitely would be considered lowly in my book. Any animal that feels romance toward another is automatically lowly.

Loretta: that would definitely mean that Pug Brother is lowly. Did you see that story about his Valentine’s Day date with Stella? Blaaaaaa.

Blanche: Yes I did. I threw up 6 times. He is definitely lowly, not to mention a total loser. Anyway, back to my roommates, the hermit crabs are hard. I can’t really figure them out. Sometimes they’re fierce and brave, which would mean they are unlowly. But as soon as a human walks by they snap into their shells and being afraid of humans is definitely lowly.

Loretta: I would have to say Pug Brother is always afraid of our humans whenever he relieves himself on the carpet.

Blanche: that Pug Brother of yours seems very lowly.

Loretta: He is. In fact I tested him. He has no brain. One time my dad yelled at him from the second floor and he looked side to side instead of up.

Blanche: wow that’s very lowly.

Loretta: tell me about it.

Blanche: ok we have to focus back to my roommates. Ok where were we … oh, the fish. Surprisingly I find fish to be very wise. My good friend Lilly, who recently passed away (R.I.P Lilly by the way), has given me some great advice over the years. I don’t actually know what she looked like because she was on a high dresser so I could only ever hear her voice. Anyway the fish we have know, his name is Dwayne…

Loretta: Dwayne?

Blanche: yes Dwayne. He is only a baby fish so I would say he’s not that wise yet but he’s getting there.

Loretta: So he’s like half-lowly half-not?

Blanche: Exactly

Loretta: Ok my turn, baby! If you have another doggy roommate it is usually pretty straightforward in figuring out if they are lowly or not. The first question you should ask is “is my roommate a bulldog?” If they are they are automatically not lowly. When dealing with a roommate like this you have two choices. You can either make friends with them or make war. Most other dog breeds, you don’t have to worry about. You just have to show them who’s boss by sitting on their heads. But let’s talk about my doggy roommate. Racky is a pug and let me tell you pugs are the lowliest kind of dog on the earth. Heck pugs are the lowliest kind of animals in the world. And I have to live with the lowliest pug in the history of the universe. Racky, as you may know, has zero IQ at all. I mean, baby, what did you expect from a dog who eats his own poos? The only thoughts he has in his mind are “foooood!!!!! “And, “I like chicken.” If your dog roommate has any of these characteristics you are very lucky baby and will have lots of fun with them (or you will have lots of fun with them. Not so much them).

Blanche: I would really like to meet this Pug Brother of yours who eats turds. Prank time! Fun with a chicken leg on a string I’m thinking.

Loretta: Now that you have established which of your roommates are lowly and which are not, it’s time to have some fun baby. There are many wonderful ways to take advantage of lowly roommates. Lowly roommates are lowly so they are very easily manipulated. You just need to complete one more step: finding their weaknesses.

Blanche: let me guess, one of Racky’s is chicken.

Loretta: don’t spoil it ,Blanche! Now I can’t include this weakness of pug brothers  as an example because they already know!!

Blanche: Sorry.

Loretta: That’s ok baby just try not to spoil the Baby Girl’s wonderful advice in the future. Anyway I will now show you how I found some of Pug Brother’s weaknesses and then how I have used them for my own pleasure. The first thing you must do to find your lowly roommate’s weaknesses is to get your notebook and pen out and carefully watch they’re daily life.

Blanche: I thought we agreed we would have a fun part in this piece. Sitting around all day watching lowly life forms isn’t fun.

Loretta: It’s getting there baby, just let the Baby Girl get to it. Anyway take notes on everything your lowly roommate dose that could potentially be a weakness so that you can use it against him in the future. For example, Pug Brother’s schedule starts something like this. First, he gets up about an hour before anyone is actually planning to feed him and sits in front of his food dish and just repeats over and over “food, eat food, love food” like he’s hypnotised. Next, when he is fed by Mom he scarfs it all down in an instant like his mouth is a vacuum cleaner.

Blanche: Are you sure it isn’t?

Loretta: No, baby, maybe I should check that out. Anyway back to Pug Brother’s weaknesses. I think we already may have found a weakness actually. The intense love of food otherwise known as fatpugitis.

Blanche: how is this a weakness?

Loretta: Well, you see baby, there are many lovely ways to take advantage of a weakness like this and I of all bulldogs should know because the baby girl is the best but also…

Blanche: Hey I’m clearly the best!

Loretta: No, your not baby. Your just not.

Blanche: Prove it!

Loretta: Fine, name Pug Brother’s biggest weakness.

Blanche: Ok, this is too easy…. Um.. Is it, uh… is it chicken?

Loretta: Wrong! His biggest weakness is Stella.

Blanche: That girl pug in his Valentine’s story?

Loretta: Yes her, but just so you know chicken is his second biggest weakness.

Blanche: So I was close then!?

Loretta: Yes, you could say that baby.

Blanche: Yes!

Loretta: Anyway back to how I know how to take advantage of this weakness because I am the best ( and all of you know it now, thanks to Blanche).

Blanche: Hmmphh.

Loretta: Yes I am the best but also I live with a lowly roommate who is obsessed with food even when he’s asleep (once he accidently ate the carpet when he was having his bottomless bowl of chicken dream).

Blanche: That’s just sad. I’m sorry you have to live with such a lowly roommate.

Loretta: Me too baby, me too. Anyway there are many ways to take advantage of a roommate who has this weakness. Let me tell you baby by offering Racky food he will do whatever you say, so one thing you can do to take advantage of your lowly roommate is to trick them into doing something for you for food. Here are a few of the things I have bribed Pug Brother into doing for me for a bite of chicken. He has been my personal bodyguard by protecting me from baby attacks, taking the blame for the wet spot on the rug or anything broken, and peeing on the lawn mower so that the Baby Girl will not have to give up her bed of cool grass just yet.

Blanche: Boy, now I’m starting to wish I had a lowly dog servent.

Loretta: Well there are good parts there are also parts that really suck. Have you ever come to your bed after a long day looking forward to going to sleep and when you lie down your bed is damp? Then you look over and see Pug Brother lurking in the corner peeing on the clothes rack and you realize what you’ve just laid down in.

Banche: Ok, on second thought I don’t want to share my bed with a dog with a weak bladder.

Loretta: Yes baby you definitely don’t. Anyway After Pug Brother has eaten his meal (and waited around for another hour just incase by some miracle that this is the day that Lady starts giving second helpings on breakfast.) he sits in the middle of the living room floor pondering his future with Stella. His thoughts usually start off good and happy like where they would get married or if Stella would like to frolic in the waves with him at the beach. But then he starts to get all paranoid. He runs in circles around the room blabbing about how she probably doesn’t even like him and she would never be with him on account of his weak bladder…

Blanche: I certainly wouldn’t.

Loretta:  And what if she doesn’t want to frolic in the waves with him ever at all. I actually find this to be a very interesting and exciting way to start my morning. It’s like a romance drama movie happens every morning in my own home. Anyway, eventually Pug Brother wears himself out and falls asleep in the middle of the carpet ( or he passes out from dizziness from running around in circles. It’s hard to tell.)

Blanche: Oooo! Oooo! I know. His weakness here it’s Stella right!

Loretta: That is correct baby. Now if your lowly roommate is in love you are in luck baby there are many ways to take advantage of a lovesick roommate. One thing you can do is tell them whoever they are in love with would like them better if they change how they look or talk or even walk.

It can be whatever you like. For example, one time I told Pug Brother that girls go crazy for guys who sparkle. He let my put sequins and glitter all over him and cover his collar with fake rhinestone gems that the kids use for crafts sometimes. We covered Dads fancy hat in glitter as well and put it on him. He even let me put some moisturizer in his fur witch didn’t go exactly as planned so in the end he looked like a pug dipped in white goo wearing a fedora caught in a glitter explosion. That sure surprised Stella when mister sparkle monster greeted her at the door.

Blanche: Pug Brother has a very serious case of lovesickness if he would do whatever you say if it could impress Stella.

Loretta: Yes he has a very serious case baby, very, very serious indeed. Anyway, another way to take advantage of lovesickness is to do what I call the fake date trick. This is where you tell your lowly roommate that whoever they like is coming over for a date. Let’s use an example of me playing this prank on Pug Brother as an example, First I told him that Stella was coming over in an hour for a very special date they had planned a month ago (this part is vital to the prank so first your lowly roommate will think they are losing their mind that is if they even had one in the first place). Then I told him that Stella could’t wait for the seven course meal, and strolling violinist, and after dinner front row seats to a broadway play. This will be sure send your lowly roommate into a crazed panic attack that will be a very good show for you baby. While they run around trying to find a way to get a seven course meal, a strolling violinist and two front row seat tickets to a broadway show you can sit back and enjoy this reality of how dumb your roommate is (that I would personally take any day over a broadway play). Than five minutes before there date is supposed to arrive tell your lowly roommate that their true love had something come up and they had to cancel. When Pug Brother hears this he usually just collapses from exhaustion and falls asleep on the floor but sometimes he drags his way over to what he could scrape together of a seven course meal and eats it. Either way baby this a very entertaining prank to play on a lowly lovesick roommate and you should definitely give it a go.

Blanche: As you can see lowly roommates are a wonderful way to add some real life comedy to your life.

Loretta: You can play pranks on them, embarrass them in front of their true love and much much more. We hope you enjoyed this special edition of How to deal with and take advantage of your lowly roommates, we also hope you learned a lot to baby and will consider taking advantage of your lowly roommates too.

Racky and the Meaning of the Beach


If you want to know all about the beach then I am the pug to talk to. I know everything about the beach because I have gone there so many times over the years  with Lady and Man. Many people have asked me what the meaning of the beach is and it is very clear it is a place for dogs and humans to have a good time both in the big blue and on the sand.

On of my many favorite things to do on the beach is run really fast up and down the sand. I run and run and run and then I turn around and run and run and run back to Lady and Man. If I run to far I will not be able to find them and then I will never get to have chicken again. I like chicken. One time I did run to far but them Lady and Man chased after me before I could be lost and never have chicken again. I like chicken.

On of my other favorite things to do at the beach is splash around in the surf. I always stay very close to the shore though because of no chicken that’s why. I am also not very good at the doggy paddle and that did not end well for me once because I frolicked to far out and all of the sudden me paws were not touching the sand anymore they were touching nothing. I thrashed and thrashed trying to get Lady and Mans attention but with no luck. My head went under but luckily I saw a orange thing through the murk of the water where I could put my paws and not drown. I pumped my legs with all my might and my front quarters flew on to the orange thing. Unfortunately there was a kid on that thing and he screamed and ran off to the shore leaving me stranded. The good news was by then Lady and Man had spotted me and Lady had to dive in the water with her close on to rescue me. Since then I have only frolicked in the very edge of the waves so that I never get stranded again.

Sometimes my sister Loretta even comes to the beach with me to enjoy some romping in the sand and frolicking in the waves. Loretta and I have so much fun together on the beach and spend quality brother sister time with one another. One time we even raided a picnic. I snuck up and plucked a slice of ham and some corn on the cob. I even took a bite of chicken. I like chicken. Then I brought the stolen treats back to Loretta and she thanked me by sitting on my head while she eat her ham slice and corn on the cob. I love Loretta. But I love chicken even more.

As you can see the beach is on of the best ways to spend your day at. You can romp in the sand, frolic in the waves and spend one on one time with your family. Sometimes you can even steal chicken from a picnic. I like chicken.   



Dealing with obnoxious little kids

Are you forced everyday of your life to share your home, humans and sometimes even your bed with annoying and obnoxious little kids? If you do I’m sure you know that it makes your life absolutely miserable but I have some good news for you baby. If you follow my helpful tips those little pests will always respect you and your property.

The first tip is to not let the enemy invade your territory. In order to do this there are a few simple tricks you can use. There’s the simple yet effective growl and show your teeth when baby gets to close, there’s the toy bin mysteriously falls and traps little Timmy underneath, or my personal favorite the room clearing gas bomb. Baby will not stick around long after she smells that.

When trying to escape from little kids there are a few tricks you can use. There’s the retreat to place baby or toddler can’t get you like the scary basement stairs, the thick backyard bush, or the too high bed. You can also accidently trap baby behind the door, under the randomly falling laundry basket or up on the chair they can get up on but not down. My favorite by far is throw the stupidest of your roommates, for example pug brother under the bus and while baby is distracted by pulling his ears flee for safety.

Now that you’ve learned how to keep baby away and how to escape it’s time to have some fun. To deal with a little kid you should also give them a taste of their own medicine. For example, you can tease baby by holding, again your stupidest room mate’s tail just out of pulling range of baby. This is sure to cause a lot of frustration for baby and laughs for you. But it is important to never use your own tail incase babys had a growth spurt and you haven’t noticed, or he learned to fly. You can also annoy baby by whenever your grown humans aren’t looking, jumping up and stealing her meatballs of the highchair tray. But you have to be cautious because of what happened to pug brother once. Mama turned around and pea brain pug was still licking meatball juice of babys tray. That didn’t end well for pug brother.

As you can see baby there are many ways to deal with annoying and obnoxious kids. Keep in mind the Baby Girls tips when dealing with your little nuisance. That is unless you want to become like pug brother, the living Doggy playground.       




Commands and How to Follow Them

An perfect example of a brainless dog

Has your human or humans every taken you to dog training classes? Have they screamed at you and waved their hand in your face for an hour and a half while you sit there not having a clue what to do? Well don’t feel bad, it’s really the humans who who are being dumb. They expect certain responses from us that make absolutely zero sense. I learned that when my girl puppy human and Lady Charge took me to dog training classes trying to get me to run some dumb obstacle course.

Most dogs do the commands their humans give them because they want to please their human or they are mindless sheep that need a shepherd to tell them what to do, (most likely number two). Humans have come up with lots of humiliating tricks, (and I mean what are me ponies!?) for us to preform. They all make no sense and are extremely stupid and embarrassing. I was first taken to training classes because my girl puppy human saw a sorry excuse for a bulldog doing agility course on T.V. Of course that gave her the brainless idea that she should try that with me, and the next week I found myself in the town rec departments gym with two other extremely stupid dogs who actually thought that following dumb commands and making a fool of yourself was somehow fun.

Anyway, the first command my girl puppy human tried to get me to do was sit. Now of course I know what sit means but I prefer to do it whenever I want not whenever I’m told. Plus my girl puppy human was holding a treat up over my head so the logical thing to do was jump up and get it so that’s what I did. We tried this a few more times but my girl puppy human started holding the treat out of my reach so I had no choice but to sit down so that she’d hand over the treat.

My humans also tried to teach me how to come. I had no problem with this one according to my humans, but I wasn’t doing it for them I was only coming because my girl puppy human was holding food out in front of me so the obvious thing to do was run and to her so she’d give it to me. That command made the most sense of all of them but the command before come really had me stumped. Stay makes no sense at all. Why should I sit and wait for my treat when I can just go to my girl puppy human who has them. All the other dogs just sat there mindlessly staring off into space until their human called them. What’s the logic in that.  

In the end my humans apparently decided I was hopeless or something but the truth is I‘m the smart one and it was the other dogs who are hopeless. The only thing I did learn at dog training class is that I’m the only intelligent one in a world full of idiots.                        




Budgie Break In

Earlier this morning, at 9:15 a.m, Blanche the Bulldog was going to her girl- puppy- human’s room to enjoy her early morning sunbathing ritual on her puppy-human’s bed. When she entered her sunbathing room, she was in for a nasty surprise. Two birds had broken into her room and were taking over the place!

Blanche bravely assessed the situation of the bird break in. From the start, Blanche had many questions, but her biggest was, “How the heck did they get in here? I have only ever seen birds outside my home.” Said Blanche the Bulldog, “And I have never seen birds quite like this before, so I knew I must be careful, in case they had some kind of evil plan.”

For weeks Blanche had been noticing odd objects appearing in her girl-puppy-human’s room. First, they were small, like a wooden ladder, but then, bigger things started popping up and when a cage appeared on the dresser, Blanche knew that she should prepare for herself, but she never suspected two birds!

Blanche bravely leapt onto her sunbathing bed and watched the two bird intruders. “They were showing of their colorful feathers and making little chirps at me. What show offs!” said Blanche the Bulldog.

“I was about to take matters into my own paws and banish the two squawking show offs  when my girl-puppy-human came into my sunbathing room and shooed me right out the door!” said Blanche the Bulldog. Blanche waited patiently by the door so that she could get rid of the two break in birds but her girl-puppy-human never let her get a chance, she even closed her door so that no one could get in and banish the birds.

“Humans are so strange,” said Blanche. “Whenever you try to do something for them, they never let you get the chance.”

The two birds are still hidden behind the door but Blanche will continue to try to find a way to banish the squawking menaces so that her sunbathing room will be peaceful once again.               


Racky and the Meaning of Valentine’s Day

Racky and Stella Valentine's Day

If you want to know all about Valentine’s Day I’m the pug to talk to. I know everything there is to know about Valentine’s Day. Many people have asked me what the meaning of Valentine’s Day is. Is it when you get stung by the bee that you didn’t know was in the flower you picked for your date? Yes, kind of. Is it when you accidentally poo in your true love’s water dish thinking it was a toilet? Yes, partly. Is it when you attack the TV in front of your date when you think there’s a lion in there and you try to protect her but instead you give yourself a minor concussion?  Unfortunately, yes. Valentine’s Day is a day to be with your true love but it is also a day to make a complete fool of yourself in front of your date. But I had to learn that the hard way.

For Valentine’s Day I knew exactly who I wanted to ask out. She’s the most beautiful, wonderful pug I have ever met. She has the softest black hair and the cutest curly tail. Her name is Stella and I have always wanted to ask her out for Valentine’s Day but only this year I finally had the courage to confront her. And by some miracle she said yes! Stella is the most perfect pug in the world (her only flaw is that she’s best friends with Loretta) so I wanted this to be a perfect night for us. I picked her a bouquet of hosta flowers, dandelions, and weeds I stole a chicken wing out of the refrigerator for us to share. I like chicken. And I even made her a necklace of dog treat hearts (but I ate half of it by the time she arrived.)

When Stella came prancing in the front door she was even more beautiful then I remembered. She had a rose tucked behind her ear and her collar had little hearts embroidered on it. Best of all she smelled like chicken. I like chicken. We said hello by sniffing rears and then I presented to her the dog treat heart necklace and the bouquet of flowers I had picked. As I pawed her the flowers a bee flew out and headed straight for my face. It turned its pointy backside at my delicate nose and began stinging it! I whimpered and hopped around from the pain. Stella finally killed the bee with her rawhide bone and then removed it painfully from my nose. What a girl!

After I had presented Stella with the necklace and flowers we went to the kitchen to enjoy the chicken wing I had snatched from the refrigerator. We split it in half and I swallowed it on one gulp. Stella on the other paw took teeny bites of her chicken. I waited and waited for her to finish and I started to feel the need to use the bathroom. I didn’t want to be rude and leave without her finishing so I tried to hold it but very soon it was clear it needed to come out. I jumped up and ran to the back door whimpering for my humans to let me out but they must have had Valentines plans of their own because they weren’t coming. I rushed around the house desperately looking for a place to relieve myself. Finally I found a toilet. I don’t usually use them (they are for the humans) but I don’t think my humans would have been pleased if I just went on the floor. After I had finished I turned around trying to find my way back to the kitchen. Stella would probably be wondering where I had gone. I was in for a terrible surprise though when I turned around. Stella was standing right there! She had watched me poop! But why was she in the bathroom? That’s when I made an even worse discovery. I looked down and realized that I had just pooped in Stella’s water bowl! I would have turned fire-hydrant red if dogs could blush.

After the water bowl toilet incident Stella and I went to watch a romantic nature show on TV. Everything was going fine I hadn’t done anything embarrassing for 10 minutes and Stella’s cute little paw was resting on top of mine. That’s when I saw the lion on TV. It roared loudly and came running toward us. I warned Stella to stand back and that I would take care of this. Then I charged bravely at the TV. Well I thought I looked brave. What I actually ended up looking like was a dumb pug running into a TV. After I had collided with the TV my head was spinning so much I had to lie on the floor for five minutes before I could stand upright. After that Stella changed the channel so I wouldn’t suffer any more concussions that evening.  

When It was time for Stella to go home I walked her to the front door and said goodbye, disappointed the Valentine’s date hasn’t been all that perfect. But what Stella did next made up for all the disasters that had happened that night. She licked me! Right on the nose where the bee stung me, then with that cute smile she does she headed out the door. After that I fainted from love and when my owners got home they thought I was dead, but that was still one of the best nights of my life.


The Keys to Making your Humans Freak Out

As you may already know we dogs find it entertaining to watch our humans mess up, get crushed by the Christmas tree, and of course my personal favorite freak out. Well the key to getting your human to entertain you by freaking out is annoying them constantly, and lucky for you you’ve come to the right place for that information.(Not to brag but I’m rather good at getting my humans into that state).

On great way to get your human to freak out is repeatedly do something they consider “Bad” like peeing on the carpet, getting on the coach without the dog cover or chewing on their brand new shoes. (You don’t only have to chew on shoes though gloves or socks will do just fine). These acts will be sure to get your human to go bananas in no time at all!

Another way to drive your humans up the wall is to hide things they really need and make it seem as if they have magically disappeared. First you must find something that is very important to your humans like a paper for work or there favorite pair of fancy shoes ( I recommend not taking anything that is extremely valuable because your humans may resort to calling the police and saying there’s been a robbery and I’m assuming you don’t want those big strangers with tasers turning your house upside down looking for a diamond ring and a guy in a bandit mask). Anyway after you have successfully gotten whatever important thing of your owners you must hide it in a place they will never look for it. For example every week I try to hide my puppy humans school library books like on the shelf were they are supposed to be ( my humans aren’t very organized). When they realize that they aren’t ready for library they totally freak out! They pull out every drawer and look under every coach and when they still can’t find it they freak out even more. You can also do this with your adult human but they may be less easy to fool. You will probably have to hide it in a place like one of the puppy humans assignment notebooks or at the bottom of their soccer trophy box in the basement. Either way the reaction from both puppy humans and adult humans is very entertaining to watch with this method.

Another great way to make your humans completely lose it is to not listen to anything they say. This method is my personal favorite but it is best applied in front of an audience so your human will feel even more embarrassed when you ignore them. I have done this many times to my girl puppy human at dog training classes. When ever she tells me to do something I just completely ignore her. What does she think I am her sheep to be herded? The only time you should listen to your humans commands is when there is a reward like treats or tummy rubs. Or when you want to show off to your dog friends like that you can jump over a two foot hurdle when your only a foot tall and definitely not built for it.  

As you can see there are many wonderful methods that you can apply to your humans to make them go completely bananas. I hope you enjoy using my ways to make your humans freak out they should work on every kind of human especially the dumb ones.