January 2018 – Page 2 – Smooshed Face

Mourning Dove Snatch

Loretta’s victim (too dumb to be injured)

Yesterday afternoon at 3:15 pm Loretta the Bulldog and her humans were enjoying a peaceful afternoon outside in there screened tent. Everything was well until an unexpected even occurred. A mourning Dove (the stupidest of all birds witch is really saying something) flew right into the tent!

The biggest problem with most birds is that when they fly into something like a tent or a house they can figure out how to get in but they can never seem to find their way out again. In this case this is exactly what happened. The mourning dove blindly flew into the screened side of the tent over and over desperate to find a opening to escape out of. The humans fled the tent but Loretta bravely stayed behind trying to defend her humans from this very small brained bird.

Loretta watched the bird flying repeatedly into the screen and then decided to take action. She leapt up and snatched the bird right out of the air with her mouth. She bravely carried the bird out of the tent to show her humans she had it under control but they did not react exactly as she expected.

“When I showed them I had bravely taken care of the situation instead of praising their Baby Girl they instead started hollering and running around like they were on fire.” Said Loretta when questioned. “I will never understand humans.”

Loretta’s humans removed the mourning dove from her mouth and then spent the next hour making phone calls, running around and in Loretta’s small girl human case crying her eyes out. Loretta was not given any praise or rewards for being so brave witch she found very strange. The humans spent lots of time watching the still mourning dove on the ground. When it moved slightly they cheered and when it finally flew away they hugged one another and the small girl human started to cry again.

“Humans are so strange.” Said Loretta. “You never know how they are going to react.”The tent is now safe from anymore bird surprises thanks to Loretta’s brave efforts and the humans decision to close the tent doors.

Leave Me Alone

Ball Game, The Most Wonderful Thing Ever

Lots of people love to argue over which games are better but the answer is very clear baby! The best game in the world and also the only one that matters at all is Ball Game. Ball game is the Baby Girls favorite game in the whole world. Just the words ball game get me super exited. My Dad and I play it every day for 20 to 30 minutes but I could go on playing for six to eight hours, I could.

Ball game is very simple to play and also extremely fun as well. The way this wonderful game works is that my dad wheres his baseball glove and throws a tennis ball at the basement wall and when it bounces off I run after it. It may not sound like much but this is all the Baby Girl needs to have said she had an excellent day. I love this game so much that one time I had to use the facilities real bad but I was enjoying Ball Game so much I did right then and there as I was playing.

The only beings I know that appreciate Ball Game are myself and my dad. My Mom and Racky have no idea what they are missing out on. One time I did try to teach Racky the rules of Ball Game but that pug is so thick you couldn’t cut through to him with a chainsaw, and instead he decided he would rather go outside and eat his own poop as an activity.

Yes Ball game is the most wonderful game in the world. The Baby Girl will always love her Ball Game and she will cherish the wonderful moments she has had playing it. Everyone should love Ball Game including you baby, because it is clearly the only game in the world that matters!

Bad Bunnies

Many humans wonder why dogs hate bunnies. The answer is clear and simple, dogs hate any intruders who come into their territories and bunnies are the worst invaders of all. No matter how many times you chase them away they always return cottontails held high like they own the place (as a matter of fact they don’t!). They eat all the plants in my human ladys (Lady Charge’s) garden (not that I really care but I feel sorry for lower life forms when something doesn’t go right for them witch is a lot). As if invading and eating the plants in the garden isn’t enough they also leave there disgusting droppings all over the yard! And let me tell you it is not a pleasant surprise to step in one of those little gifts! The worst thing about bunnies by far is that they always get away with every one of these little pots to ruin my humans and I’s life because they are so darn fast that they are impossible to catch! If I could ever catch a bunny then they would be taught a lesson to stay out of my yard!

Many times I have caught bunnies red pawed eating all the plants in Lady Charges garden. Lady Charge doesn’t like it when I go in her garden because I run through the flower beds and pluck her gardening gloves. I do it anyway because it is quite amusing to watch humans get angry! I am always chasing those big eared nincompoops out of the garden but they escape under the fence ever time. I hate fences almost as much as I hate bunnies because they are always getting in the way. I have never gotten the bunnies to fully leave the garden alone but I sure have scared the living daylights out of the a few times!

Another terrible thing that bunnies do that I mentioned is that the poop all over the lawn. This part of bunnies I don’t mind so much because I do enjoy eating bunny poop but for my humans this is torture. They are forced to look where they are going when they are trying to play just so they don’t get their shoes nasty with rabbit dung! Bunnies find watching humans step in there poop amusing because I heard some of them laughing about it after my small human girl got her shoes covered in it. Don’t worry about them though I chased them off and hopefully they won’t be pooping on the lawn for a while for my humans sake.

The by far worst thing about bunnies it that they get away with all their evil schemes because they are much too fast to catch. I chase bunnies ever time I get the chance hoping that perhaps this time will be the time I finally catch one of those clover munching scoundrels but it never is. The only time I have ever gotten close to teaching a bunny a lesson was when I discovered a nest of baby bunnies in my backyard. Even then I wasn’t able to get back at the bunnies for making my life a constant work because my humans found out what I was doing and covered up the nest. I really don’t understand humans, if they hate the bunnies to then why don’t they let me teach those little fluff butted creeps a lesson for once.

I hope you know understand why dogs hate bunnies so much. They are constantly eating the garden, leaving their disgusting droppings on the lawn for my humans to step in, and they never get what they deserve for all the unspeakable things the do. I also hope you consider letting your dog teach bunnies a lesson if they have a chance, because your garden would probably be a whole lot greener if those big eared jerks weren’t always munching on it.

The true meaning of furniture

The true meaning of furniture is to serve dogs just like humans but for our butts. There are two different types of furniture, good and bad. The ones that are good will be listed below:

Bad Furniture	Good Furniture
Humans	Couch
Boxes	Bean Bags
Heater	Mats
Tables	Beds
Floor	Blankets
Cots	Big Chairs

FOLLOWING DATA MAY OR MAY NOT APPLY TO CERTAIN DOGS OR CERTAIN BREEDS AND FURNITURE MAY APPLY.

Racky and the meaning of Sisters

If you want to know all about sisters I am the pug to talk to. I know everything about sisters mostly because I have one named Loretta. Lots of people have asked me what the meaning of sisters is, is it to annoy you, well partly, is it to have them tease you, yes that too, is it to have them just overall make your life miserable, well yes, yes those are the meanings of sisters and I should know because I have to live with Loretta.

Loretta does her job of being a sister very well in my opinion, she is very annoying. Any time I try to get some rest she is always there reminding me who is boss by pushing me off the bed that we share. One time I tried to stand up to her I told her that I wanted to sleep and we share this bed. She wouldn’t have it though and she punished me by sitting on my head.

Loretta also teases me all the time. She teases me about my snoring not being loud enough to be qualified as a real pug. She teases me about always wanting food. Who doesn’t want food all the time?! My favorite food is chicken. I like chicken. Loretta’s all time favorite thing to tease me about is my stuffed hedgehog that I carry around all the time. I think that anyone who doesn’t carry around a stuffed animal is crazy but I think Loretta thinks the opposite of me on this matter.

Loretta makes my life miserable every time she has the chance. This is the most important rule of being a sister I believe. She makes sure everyday I get my daily time of having my head sat on, she takes all my favorite toys and bones, even my chicken flavored bone! I like chicken. And how could she forget to steal all the love from me when the Lady or the other humans are for once giving me attention.

Yes, the meaning of all sisters is to annoy, tease and make their siblings lives as miserable as possible. I still love my sister though. I also love chicken. Chicken is the best.

Ground Hog Invasion

Yesterday morning at 10:30 am Blanche the Bulldog was doing her morning routine of patrolling her backyard to make sure no intruders had invaded. She was almost complete when she heard a strange squeaking coming from under the old shed at the very back of her yard. Blanche usually avoided the back shed because it smelled like dead mice but she knew she must complete her duty so she bravely trotted over to the scene to investigate the mysteries sound.

When she arrived at the back of the shed the smell of large rodents was very strong. Blanche knew that this would be dangerous mission but she was ready to confront it in order to keep her backyard safe. She slipped under the shed to investigate what kind lowly rodents had invaded her territory.

When she was successfully under the shed the smell of the rodents was stronger than ever. It was very dark underneath but Blanche bravely carried through with her mission even without sight. Blanche carefully crawled along the soft dirt underneath the shed, following her nose to the smell of the rodents when she ran right into a family of groundhogs!

“I was definitely taken by surprise.” Said Blanche the Bulldog when questioned. “I was expecting bunnies or voles, but being the brave and amazing protector I am I scared those clover munching scoundrels away for good.”

Blanche remained under the shed even after she had scared away the groundhogs just to be certain they would not be returning anytime soon. The one problem with this almost brilliant plan was that Blanches humans though that she was stuck under the shed because when they called to her and even tempted her with food she still didn’t budge.

“Of course I didn’t move!” Said Blanche the Bulldog. “I was fulfilling my duty, and a Bulldog as smart as me would never get stuck under a shed.”

Blanches humans didn’t believe this though because they resorted to digging her out from under there with a shovel, and then boarding up the entrance to the underside of the shed. Although the entrance to under the shed was covered and this will mean that Blanche will not be able to get rid of any invaders who decide to make the shed their home, they may not be able to get under there at all with it being covered, because like Blanche said “If a bulldog couldn’t do it nobody can.

The most important thing though, is that for now the groundhogs will not be making the shed there home and the backyard will be a safe place to be in without having to worry about groundhogs being a bother.

Loving Boxes

Most dogs would rather spend their time in a dog bed or on the coach. But not me baby, for me the most perfect place to spend my time is in a box. Any box will do for the Baby girl as long as it’s not flat and Pug Brother has not already been in it.

The Baby Girl has always loved boxes more than anything else and I have made sure to make myself very clear on this matter. Whenever my dad or mom gets a box in the mail they know just who to give it to. I have even taught the children, the small girl mostly to love boxes as much as I do. Both her and me love to climb into boxes and relax. I have taught that girl well I have, she will grow up to be a smart young lady if she already has so much sense.

The children know I love boxes so much that one time they even made a special one just for the Baby Girl. They colored all over it with there creative little hands and it was the most beautiful box I had ever seen, because I could tell they had worked so hard on it just for the Baby Girl. I climbed right into that box, I did and it was even more wonderful on the inside then on the out ( as most boxes are). The Baby Girl will always remember that box.

The Baby Girl not only loves the look of boxes but also the smell. Cardboard is one of the most soothing scents in the world when you are trying to get to dreamland. The best of all boxes is when the owners are nice enough to put down blankets in the box so that the Baby Girl has something comfortable to rest on as she enjoys her box.

I hope that you will try relaxing in a box for a change because they really are one of the most magical places in the world. The Baby Girl will always love her boxes and you should try loving them too.

Cats and what they’re good for (nothing)

Humans often argue witch is better dogs or cats. The answer is very clear, dogs of course are superior to cats. Dogs are smart and loyal and just overall wonderful creatures, cats on the other hand are yowling, pesky flea magnets that are good for absolutely nothing! Nothing!

Even though dogs are obviously much better than cats some very dumb humans took pity on these lower life forms and adopted them into their homes. Don’t ask me what these humans were thinking (maybe they banged there head on the ceiling one to many times) but cats became very popular pets because they are supposedly “ easier to handle” than dogs.

Cats may be easier to take care of in some ways like you can leave them alone for a few days and they don’t bark and annoy your neighbors but there are many more reasons that they are not good pets. True that you can leave your flea magnet alone in the house for a few days but could you really get them in the car in the first place? Cats hate cars and you can’t bring these hairball hackers anywhere without them yowling there head off the whole time. Dogs on the other hand love cars. When ever my humans start to pack the car I know we are about to go on a new and exciting adventure! Dogs will not yowl in the car or nearly claw your arm off when you try to wrestle them into a crate, dogs will be ecstatic to go in the car!

As for cats not barking and annoying the neighbors these evil felines have even worse ways of getting on the neighbors nerves. Cats like to sneak into the neighbor’s yard leave there droppings on the grass, walk through the flower beds and bite the poor birds at the feeders heads off and leave them lying on your front walk as though they are some kind of “gift”, if you could call it that.

Yet another terrible thing about cats is that these bags of fur use the bathroom in litter boxes! What a terrible thing to make your humans clean out every day! Dogs on the other hand use the bathroom outside so that it does not stink up the house. You might be thinking that you have to pick up your dog’s poop too but not if you leave it on your neighbors yard you don’t!

As you can now very clearly see cats are good for absolutely nothing! They are simply a pain in the butt that you should rid from your life forever by bring a more superior animal like a dog into your life. I hope that you now understand what a terrible pet a cat would be and how it would make your life absolutely miserable. I also hope that you appreciate how great dogs are and are thankful that at least some animals turned out wonderful.

Air wall Encountered in Basement

Yesterday, Racky the pug was strolling through the basement. Everything in front of him looked like non-solid air but he was gravely mistaken. He walked right into what we have confirmed is a air wall.

Air walls are things that humans make to keep warmth, cold and dry in and to keep wet, bugs and birds out. The biggest problem when it comes to air walls is that they can not be seen. This means that if you do not know where they are you can walk right into them. They are very good for keeping a comfortable home but they are not good for running into.

The biggest problem with this particular air wall is that it is located right in the middle of the basement laundry room. Usually, air walls are only on the border of the inside and the outside so dogs have been able to know were they are and not walk right into them. Residents of the household have been told to avoid the downstairs laundry room so they do not fall captive to the air wall as well. Air walls can be very dangerous and although they have not killed any dogs they have managed to take many birds lives when they fly into them.

Lucky for Racky the pug he did not sustain any major injuries as far as we can tell (although his brain never worked that well in the first place so we can not confirm brain damage).

Racky was not happy to have run into the air wall as he has done this many times in the past and in is very discomforting. “I hate air walls.” Said Racky when questioned. “I am always running into them, my sister says it is because I am stupid but really it is because I can not see them.” Racky was very mad at the air wall for disrupting his peaceful walk through the basement so he parked himself in front of it and barked at it for two hours perhaps trying to show it who was boss.

The downstairs laundry room will continue to be out of bounds until the air wall is moved or moves on it’s own. (We do not believe they are alive but they are very shifty nevertheless and should not be trusted to remain in one spot) This air wall out in the open is a very mysterious event and we will continue to keep an eye on it in case it tries to claim anymore victims.