Ask Loretta: Being Sure about Relationships

Dear Loretta,

I have recently met a man I am interested in. It seems that my
interest is reciprocated. However, it also seems that he is more
comfortable than I am with the interval between our meetings. What’s a
girl to do?

Unsure in MD

P.S. Please bear in mind that I was raised at a time when the mores of society dictated that it was a “No No” to even call a young man and now it seems that there are few if any “No Nos.” No wonder I am confused. Continue reading “Ask Loretta: Being Sure about Relationships”

Ask Loretta: What a Baby Girl Needs

Dear Loretta,

I am writing to ask for your advice. You see, much like you, I am
myself a baby girl of the smooshed-face variety, and as you are trying
to convince the masses, this is a wonderful thing.

But the problem I have is this. I’m just over 3 months old, and my
dad wants me to pee and poo outside. Do you hear me?!? He wants me
to go OUTSIDE in the cold, when there’s a perfectly good carpet to pee
on. And it’s warm.

I’m trying to convince my dad that he’s just unreasonable. Can you help??

Help me Loretta, you’re my only hope.

Lola Continue reading “Ask Loretta: What a Baby Girl Needs”

Ask Loretta: A Hidden Love for Pop Music

Dear Loretta,

My friends listen to bands no one knows. I pretend to like the music they like, but secretly I love pop songs. I’ll take Kelly Clarkson over the latest moppy-haired angst band anytime, but I’m afraid to reveal my true nature for fear my friends will leave me. Please help me Loretta.

Pop Lover Continue reading “Ask Loretta: A Hidden Love for Pop Music”

Ask Loretta: Baby Attacks

Dear Loretta,

I am a very fat cat. I pride myself on my girth and my disdain for humans. Since October 2003, unfortunately, my human roommates (I mean really … who can afford to live alone in Boston these days?) have allowed a child into my
living space. She’s a peanut of a girl, but wily and very very noisy. For nearly two years now, I have had to put up with the humiliation of having my ears pulled and the annoyance of her poking and prodding me and yelling, “Mow, mow, mow” in my face.

I have had enough.

Surely there must be a way to rid myself of this pest. Perhaps a quick dash under her feet near a stairwell … a swift, well-aimed nip at her jugular … or maybe something as simple as sucking her breath while she sleeps (which it seems she never does!)

Surely a bulldog as streetwise as you has connections? Help me, Loretta. I can make it worth your while to help me.


P.S. I am attaching a photo to give you an idea of the conditions under which I am living.

An unprovoked baby attack.
Continue reading “Ask Loretta: Baby Attacks”

Ask Loretta: Yale’s New Mascot

Dear Beautiful Loretta,

Recently there was a competition for a successor in the long line of Yale Mascots and Handsome Dan XVI was chosen. However, this correspondent believes that there is no better looking bulldog alive today than yourself, The Little Girl, the Handsome Loretta.

So, if you would like to present yourself as available for selection as the Yale Mascot, I can make this happen. I would be able to “disappear” the incumbent, and arrange for the elevation of Loretta to the position by acclamation. No politicking necessary!

White House soirees, Harvard-Yale football games, and many other opportunities will be in your future if you take me up on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Please say yes!! I beseech you not to disappoint the Old Blues!

Sincerely, Eli ’68 Continue reading “Ask Loretta: Yale’s New Mascot”